A TIP TO REFRAME FAIRYTALES (ACCEPT WHAT IS)

A side effect of a childhood filled with near constant chaos is that I know how

to live through a lot of weird and disorienting crap.

I developed several coping mechanisms in my late adolescence

to help me waddle through situations that the fairytales didn't cover.  

Today's tip has been particularly

helpful when my expectations

for how someone should act or behave

isn't lining up with how they're actually acting.

While I've used this little tip on and off for years,

in the past weeks I've heard it come out of my 

mumbling, prayerful mouth at least 10 times a day.

Shock and grief have barrelled through my extended family

and friends and I find myself sending it to them

more often than I ever have before,

sometimes with swear words on the ends to give it 

an extra push through the heavy mists of grief.

This little ditty has kept me from extra suffering

and from doing several meme-worthy acts for many years.

Accept what is.

It's is a short way to remind myself

to stop over-romanticizing about what should be

or could be and just accept the data around me as accurate.

I can feel your chuckle from here.

Who doesn't accept what is?

Fuzzy headed nincompoops or naive little babies

are the only people who don't accept what is.

You have to accept what is!

Living in a fantasy land is totally ridiculous!

I never do that!

Bless your heart.

Telling yourself that you never do this

is in itself a fantasy.

Unless of course you're not a human reading my words

in which case feel free to impart some of your own cultural 

obeservations in the comments or my DMs.

On the wall at Cafe Diem, a great little coffee shop in PBO

Humans constantly tell ourselves all kinds of underlying stories,

a kind of collective experience to be able to tolerate

the bullshit that happens whenever two or more of us are gathered.

Here's a non-familial example for you to examine for a sec

that might illustrate the most benign version of what I'm talking about.

In the US, we all drive on the right

side of the road and stop at the big red octagons at intersections.

If someone drove on the other

side of the street or failed to stop at the stop sign, we would agree they are 

out of bounds, wrong, deserve to be fined and are acting dangerously.

This is a collective expectation of behavior that we've codified with law

and we reinforce with signs, infrastructure and consistent training.

If anyone argues that the car in the scenario above 

wasn't on the wrong side of the road

we would cite witness testimony, video evidence and damage to other

people or things to convince the confused party.

If anyone still insisted, they would be considered crazy or dangerous.

We would be frustrated that they won't accept what is

in favor of a story that rejects the facts or the data.

However, when it comes to human relationships 

we've got a different kind of dynamic going on in our western culture.

The closer or more intimate a relationship is supposed to be

the deeper the fantasy story is embedded in our psyche.

We have a collective understanding

of what makes up a family and the roles of each of the key members.

We also have a pretty robust outline of what kinds of feelings

each of those members have for each other based on their roles.

There are parents and grandparents,

children, aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings.

These are the main roles right? 

We call anyone who has these roles 'family'

and then we make all kind of prouncements about 

what someone with this role feels, does, owes the other labeled people.

It's universal!  This connection is thicker than water.

Right?

Highly recommend this book-click here.

I have a very large, very chaotic family and 

when I was younger, I had a lot of suffering

because almost everyone in these roles inside my family

acted differently than I was taught to expect.

Sometimes the feelings and behavior and values of the people with these labels

lined up with what I was told the job description was.

But often, it didn't.

Wives who didn't respect or value their husbands.

Husbands who belittled or beat their wives.

Parents who neglected and abused their children.

Siblings who cheated, slandered, or actively worked against each other.

Grandparents who were neither wise nor measured.

Children who honored neither parent or themselves.

After several years of trying to reconcile the actual

humans in my life with how they were supposed to be

I gave up and decided to accept what is.

I quit trying to make the data match the story

and I accepted that the story might be wrong

or at the very least grossly over-simplified.

Parents don't always nurture and protect.

Women are not universally helpless, gentle or maternal.

Men are not universally aggressive, strong, or protective.

Deep emotions like trust, respect, and adoration are earned

with persistent action over time, not awarded blankly because of a title.

Everyone can make mistakes, some of them catastrophic, illegal 

or seemingly unforgiveable.

Unfortunately, we're all human and that means we're all messy

in some fashion.

There are collective expectations that we don't fit into.

Accept what is.

This also means that we often get some things very, very twisted.

There are a lot of people who equate violence with love

in a gazillion ways.

For example, if you love your children

and your parents beat you

then beating your child means you love them.

This is a false equivalency.

You actually don't EVER need to spank, slap, beat,

belittle, shame, or hurt a child for them to learn discipline.

Discipline is self control and you can learn it from other people 

who have self control in non-violent ways.

Growth is always uncomfortable but it doesn't have to be traumatic.

The fairytales make it more traumatic, not less.

The sun setting off the edge of the world at Ocracoke Island, NC (not a fantasy)

Many people have a hard time separating these fairytales from reality

because to call the physical or emotional violence

they experienced by it's real name would threaten

their underlying role of the parent they love deeply.

This is really hard to communicate in a straight way.

To say it more clearly:

There are a lot of people that still think beating a child

is a loving act because their parent beat them and to question it

would threaten the fantasy they hold of their parent.

It would also threaten the fantasy role they hold of themselves as a child.

It may threaten the fantasy role of the parent that failed to protect them.

It may threaten the fantasy role they hold of themselves as a parent.

It's a mess to try and accept what is!

I recommend a therapist to help if you are struggling here.

It's one of their primary gifts to you-the holding of the feelings

while you navigate the complexity of your family.

You can choose to accept what is instead of pretending.

That doesn't mean that you're judging or rejecting

or blaming the human person in that role.

I mean, you may do that for a while but in my experience

it passes pretty quickly once you stop trying 

to make the person fit into the fantasy.

It's much easier to forgive a real person for being human 

and making mistakes

than to forgive a super-human fantasy 

person who was supposed to be perfect.

I'm not saying this is easy.

It can be very painful-mostly because the story that everyone else

seems to share will never apply to the thing you're having to accept.

It is better though.

I notice that once I let go of my expectations

of how it is supposed to be, I can

 create something different to take its place.

Acceptance relieves me of my anger at what should have been

and allows me to appreciate what is.

I've applied this to so many relationships over the years.

Professional, familial, friendships and religious affiliations.

When things get complicated, I find it really helpful

to break it down into facts and data

instead of archetypes, shoulds and expectations.

It is always uncomfortable but it has improved my quality of life

immensely.

Accept what is.

About your family member who is also an addict, mentally ill, or just a jerk.

About your child who is angry at you for your abuse of them.

About your own failures and imperfections.

About your boss who really sucks at some things.

About your friend who keeps trying to hand you that crap.

About your religious leader who is struggling with affirming GOD's creation.

About your political leader who is putting power over your interests.

There will still be suffering, but it will be clearer 

and more accurately named.

A sweet note from my friend Elise with a few of her memories of Andy

LABELS YOU CAN'T GIVE YOURSELF (THE PARADOX OF ALLY-SHIP)

Ya'll should know by now that there is a percentage

of my brain that is always paying attention to labels and language.

What we call ourselves and each other

has a significant impact on how we behave,

how we relate to other people,

and how we understand events.

Sometimes those labels are helpful in getting us 

further along the stated path we say we're following.

Sometimes those labels are going to get in the way.

Sometimes it's a both/and sitch.

When I hear someone describe themselves with the label 'Ally',

I immediately get a little tense.

It's like a giant red flag and I want to 

tell you a little bit about my reasoning.

I make pictures while I listen to my friends preach

I feel very strongly that my job is

to love my neighbor as myself

but given how badly people behave,

I find this to be an endless, impossible task.

We're awful and that's just a fact.

On most days, I barely tolerate my neighbors

(both literal and figurative).

I guess that's loving them as myself since

on those same days, I'm usually

struggling to accept my own imperfections.

I will 'other' someone so fast, have at 

least 4 arguments why it's totally the cool thing to do,

and put the decision in my rearview mirror before you can

say 'unconcious bias'.

It's gross.

I hate it.

I will never fully root it out of myself

but I am changed by the attempt so I keep at it.

Doing the work to uncover my own bias and 

potentially toxic programming is a never ending buffet of humility.

The work to really see and include

all of GOD's people in this incarnation

means undoing lots of things that the world

tells us are 'right' or 'just the way things are'

or 'easier for most of us' or in some cases

'made up'.

There is no arrival gate to the destination I am seeking.

I will keep trying, getting it a little bit right and mostly wrong

for as many years as I am alive I guess.

Every time I really get a lesson,

land an understanding and get comfortable using it in real life,

I realize that there's another layer or another

out group that I've ignored or not seen.

Awareness does not equal mastery

But (I will protest), I've done some work, read a book,

made a friend, had an experience so if 

there's one thing I know, it's that I've changed.

I deserve a new name, a new label or at least a new sweater 

so that people outside of me can see the change.

I need everyone out there to be aware

that something has happened.

I will describe myself as an ally

to prove the transformation has at least started.

And that right there is the trap

that so many of us fall into.  

The idea that transformation is a one and done

combined with the need for external proof or validation

that will somehow make it stick in place.

Here's a rationalization:

I've done a lot of work, I want to get credit for it!

I want to somehow represent on the outside

the change I feel on the inside.

So I decided to call myself an ally,

a benign lover of all people as a way to 

highlight my internal changes.

But who exactly am I an ally for?

Everyone?

The particular in group I'm focused on?

My new friend?

The groups that I'm actually a part of in some way?

Is it a new kind of superlative?

Ms. Ally Mary Smith, PhD reporting for duty!

The word ally is a little too broad here

because no matter how hard I try

I can't always be on the side of the angels.

I'm not omnipotent, all-knowing or all seeing.

I often wonder if we could have a belt system like in martial arts.

I could say, for instance, that I'm a pink belt ally 

on days where I really align myself with a particular women's issue

or a rainbow day when I have really shown up for my LBTQI+ siblings.

No matter what, ally is too general to really describe

any success I've had showing up to support anyone else.

I wear a lot of rainbows.  I also wear camo-does that make me a soldier?  

Here's another rationalization:
 I decide that I will never label myself that

but this person or group told me I was an ally

that one time so now I can use it into perpetuity.

Come on ya'll.

On that day, for those people, you managed to show up

and do your best work.

They gave you a compliment.

That doesn't mean that you are that every day of the week

for every potential group that is treated unjustly.

It doesn't even mean this group would consider

you an ally on the very next day.

You didn't #wokeuplikethis.

You had a good day and got recognized.

If you're human like me,

tomorrow you will do something extra shitty to offset it.

Do what your grandma taught you and accept the compliment

but don't let it go to your head.

In particular, I want you to think about how 

lazy it is to call yourself this label

and what bias it might allow in your life.

I was having a conversation a few years ago

with a man who very clearly described himself as an ally.

During a conversation, I used the word 'mansplaining' and he spent the 

next 45 minutes telling me how insulting and diminutive

and unfeministic the word mansplaining is.

He in fact, mansplained it to me.

This man had organizational power over me

and spent 45 minutes talking down to me.

He insisted this was appropriate because he was an ally.

I suggested he maybe needed to do some more work

to understand what that label meant. 

What I wish I'd said is "No you're not and you'll never be

as long as you're more concerned with the label 

than the work of earning it."

more sermon doodles

That experience was helpful to me personally

because I used to think of myself as an ally too.

I have a tendency to go into most conversations assuming

I'm on the side of justice and I will defend those who have less than me.

My intention was to be a safe person,

a person who could hear hard things

and hold space for those that are broken or hurting.

I wanted to be someone on their side.

So I just assumed that I was.

No one was telling that I wasn't an Ally

so I felt pretty good sitting in that space.

The experience with the man above taught me that

my confidence in this label

was completely arrogant and self-serving.

If you're not actually being an ally,

people will likely avoid telling you-

especially if they can tell how important it is to 

your identity to keep that label.

By identifying so strongly with it, you're keeping yourself from actually being it.

I'm not telling you to stop working on this.

I'm not telling you to give up any hope of self-esteem in this area

when you've made progress.

I'm just telling you that if this label is truly important to you

then you will never use it to describe yourself.

It can only be bestowed by people who are not you

and that it is a specific, timebound label that evaporates.

If someone gives it on you, feel the warm satisfaction

from a job well done.

And then get up tomorrow and begin the work to earn it 

all over again.

It's worthy to work towards earning this superlative.

You will never have it for more than a few hours or days.

It is not a label you can give yourself.

Now I'm going back to book writing.

Keep trying friends.

Anyone else read 'Atlas of the Heart' by Brene Brown?

KNOCKING OUT NICKNAMES (RECLAIMING MY BRAND)

Did you grow up with a nickname?

Southerners are notorious for nicknames-

often bestowing multiple, unique nicknames on each family member

as a sign of affection, exasperation, a subtle warning or profound aggravation.

This blog theme is based on a nickname that my dad 

(and only my dad) calls me still-

particularly when he would like me to do something for him.

I have a host of other nicknames that make me chuckle

or when yelled across a parking lot or sent via text

tell me exactly who is asking for my attention.

They're not always flattering but they usually

mirror some descriptor that I allow to lay against my soul.

Nicknames can seep into the real world in ways

 that might seem innocuous at first; 

what starts as a love tap can eventually land as a punch.

You may outgrow them or their references can hold you back.

For instance, you wouldn't want to introduce your brother to your 

future in-laws as Tweety or Chunk; 

you'd probably use the name on his driver's license

or a more socially accepted shortened version of that name.

Nicknames serve a purpose that can be fun

or connecting but what do you do when you've moved past them?

What about when they hurt you?  Or say things about you that aren't true?

In my season of unpacking what I want to take forward

into new professional and personal challenges,

I'm evaluating some of the nicknames or labels that I've 

managed to acquire over the past couple of decades.

Not surprisingly, I'm going to be #quitting some of them.

Here are some things that people have said about me

to my face over the past 20 years:

You're so tough-you never back down.

You're not afraid of anything or anyone.

Your composure never cracked when that guy

was screaming at you.

It's like you're made of steel or rubber Superwoman!

We need you to go in there and bash some egos so we can

get this mess sorted out.

You're a fighter.

A bulldog.

A warrior.

I'm sure people think the above words are compliments.

Or maybe a prayer over my spirit-

A wish for what I could be or could do.

It didn't really occur to me to question these nicknames

 when my subconcious sucked them into my marrow.

I have used the metaphor of myself as a warrior often-

you can hear me use it recently in this podcast

where my spouse and I discuss the breakdown of our marriage.

On some level, I not only understood these labels

but approved the message.

I do have a large presence.

I am not uncomfortable with my own swagger.

I will speak truth to power sometimes

and if there is a goal that I believe in, 

I can be quite driven and focused.

So I understand how these labels of an aggressor

with a purpose got lined up beside my name.

I also understand why I didn't feel particularly compelled to 

correct that narrative in the moment.

It didn't feel TRUE to me but it also didn't feel like it mattered too much.

I could maybe borrow some of the capes or gauntlets

 that went along with these images and use them as a cover.

These were terms of affection and endearment right?

In this holy season of reflection,

I am noticing how these particular labels allowed some pretty

toxic behavior to thrive in my life - particularly in the professional sphere.

If I'm a fighter, then I don't mind being hit.

I might even like it-who can say?

If I'm a warrior, then it's clear to everyone

that this is a battle and in the very least there will be pain.

If I step into the ring, then I deserve what happens in there.

I signed up for it.

But wait....did I?

It is accurate to say that I am skilled at dealing with difficult people

and that I can navigate conflict in tense situations.

Through hard work, therapy, training and a bit of luck,

I've been able to unwind some tricky negotiations.

I have always wanted to move my team, my family and myself

towards something more healthy or integrated

if we find ouselves out in left field.

that means I might have to say something direct or clear,

might have to correct inaccurate facts or 

highlight some strategic system weaknesses 

so that we can move in a better direction.

Not so I can be in a fight or a conflict with someone else-

but so that I can move past the conflict into something effective.

People are entitled to their experience of interactions with me.

They are reporting on what they see or how they

percieve my motivations through the lens of their own life.

When I spoke out or held my composure

was that a concious choice to be brave in spite of my fear

 or was I completely unafraid?

Was it a fight or a conversation?

Were we solving a problem together or was one 

of us trying

to score points in a different game?

Was I standing up to Goliath or clarifying a point?

Does every miscommunication or confused interaction mean

there's a fight or a conflict?

Can you see how these particular labels could get taken too far?

How I might be dehumanized in situations or

how people interacting with my nickname might feel at risk?

No one intended for it to be that way I'm sure.

That was absolutely the impact.

Art by Abacus Corvus

I do not consider myself a fighter.

Or a warrior.

Or a bulldog.

If I ever used it in a metaphor,

it wasn't intended as a motivation or a descriptor

of my actual self.

If I'm honest, I find those labels offensive and hurtful.

They ignore most of my towering strengths, 

lie about my motivations,

diminish my humanity, 

and have been used to justify other

people's immature, toxic, and abusive actions.

If it ever looked like I was impervious to pain

 or disrespect from the outside,

I want you to understand that story is wildly inaccurate fiction.

Any bit of me that was willing to let these old nicknames hang around

is being regifted or having her phone privileges revoked.

If I ever was an accidental soldier, I am honorably discharged.

I will not be suiting up for another war

or hunting down people who have strayed outside the lines

or wading in to bash anyone's 'metaphorical' noggins.

Here are some labels that I will proudly claim:

healer

mediator

coach

connector

truth seeker

creator

leader

I will be using my life and energy to do the things I've 

been focused on for years now.

Cultivating connection.

Bending our collective narrative towards the light.

Picking out the lies that get tumbled in with the holy

so that we can thrive, together.

There are no wars in my future-I'm a builder of peace.

There is no competition that justifies someone hitting me

or me taking shots at someone else.

If I ever bring that energy your way,

I wil beat my own sword into a shovel

and beg your forgiveness.

Any flyers that suggest there's a rumble 

with me as a contestant are FAKE NEWS.

Statement socks can be found here

Final note here:  If you insist on that perception or that narrative then

I need to make it clear to you that we're not friends or even teammates.

My days of tolerating this nickname are over.

I've let people hit me too many times in the name of a fight

that I didn't ask to be invited to.

I hope we can work on some new language to connect us

but I'm ok with the consequences of my boundaries.

Want some more some EXTRA thoughts on labels and back handed compliments?

How about taking up your whole space?

Click on the colored words for some earlier posts.

Got some funny nicknames you want to share?  

Want to tell me about a time you were mis-named and how it impacted you?

You know where to find me.

I DON'T WANT TO START OVER (NEWSFLASH: I'M NOT)

If you're just now checking in, I feel that I should remind 

you that my word for 2022 is #quitting.

I get that word doesn't resonate with everyone

but I tend to place a high value on the subversive.

I am endlessly amused by things that challenge norms.

Especially if I've found something within me that is ingrained

in a way that isn't productive.

If I used a nicer word like 'evolve' or 'sustainable'

my brain would think this needed to be a gentle

tweak of the status quo.

What I need in 2022 is to rattle my bones a bit

and since I (like many of you)

have defined myself as 'not a quitter' for so long

this feels like the best way to confront myself.

I recently quit a job for a company that I'd

been employed by for 22 years.

I was employee number 10 or 11

at a small startup that was going to transform 

the way the agriculture industry

moved goods and services around the US.

We were going to use this new fangled thing called the internet

and we were going to be very disruptive.

Working for a startup was one of those experiences 

I didn't know I was looking for

until I was in the middle of it.  

I was hired to do one thing but since that thing wasn't very defined, 

it morphed into something

different within days.  

And then again.  

And again.

If something needed doing, I did it.

If I needed to learn something new, even better.

Finance, negotiating, sql queries, software testing, 

process management, mentoring, coaching-

over the years, 

the list of things that I never intended to learn

grew exponentially.

Cleaning out my office

I've had a host of people reach out to me in support.

I really appreciate knowing that you care about me

and it's not just because I follow the rules

and get good marks in the public assignment.

Some of your messages are so tender and affirming

I will carry with them forever

and probably still leak Holy Spirit from my eyeballs

thinking of them when I'm 80.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

There's been a interesting theme that's come up a time or two

that I think is worth unpacking here

because there seems to be some confusion.

I am not starting over.

This is not a telenovella so I did not develop a rare

kind of amnesia and forget who I am.

I still have access to all of my experiences

and learnings from my past.

I am no longer a bright young thing

whose skills only consist of a college degree

some charisma and a lot of energy.

I still have those things-they didn't disappear.

They are now augmented by a lot of other things

that I learned on the job or in the river of life.

I also have certifications in many of those disciplines

and a proven track record.

I've had some messes and mistakes-

that I learned from and then 

applied that learning.

Most importantly, I know myself and have data to support

the ideas that I think about my abilities.

I am highly adapatable and curious.

I am a leader but I am also a good teammate.

I have watched myself do hard things in the face of pressure

and still have integrity with my own values.

I also know what I am NOT good at-

the kinds of assignments or organizations

that will not bring out the best of my abilities.

I'm mature enough to understand what isn't

mine to do and feel excited when someone

who is talented in that arena shows off their abilities.

Goldfish art by my daughter.  Have you watched Ted Lasso yet?

I do not know what I will do professionally as I move forward

but all the skills I acquired over the years are still with me.

I didn't wake up like this-

I worked for every bit of this experience, 

I moved towards the professional I am now, and

the beginning of this journey was a loooong time ago now.

No one can take it from me without my consent.

I am not starting over.

I'm becoming more of who I already am

and I will build on the foundation

that already exists.

So for those of you who are telling yourself

some version of this:

I wish I could do what she did but 

I really don't want to start over.

I want to challenge that thinking a bit.

It's a lie.

Whether it's a job or a relationship

or a community-you're not a brand new baby

who isn't bringing something to bear for your next challenge.

It will certainly feel hard and you'll feel vulnerable.

That isn't the same as being brand new to the rodeo.

You aren't starting over-

you have everything to be successful

within you.

Already.

And what you don't have right now

you'll learn or experience in that next opportunity.

If something is calling to you

there are a lot of methods to evaluate the opportunity.

Thinking that you're starting over is a chain around your ankle,

a limiting belief, and it will almost never serve your best self.

Feel free to throw that idea in the trash.

Finally, I'd love to talk about this with you.

Whenever.

Forever.

In real life or the internet.

Transformation is holy work

and it benefits from a specific kind of community.

Reach out if you're struggling with this lie.

I can help.