LIE TO ME (I HAVE TO PLAY SMALL)

I am in the middle of a class taught by the incredible Laura McKowen.
The class is called 'A Bigger Yes' and 'is a program designed to claim, honor and devote yourself to your soul's deepest callings'. 
You can check it out here: (Yes)

Let me start by saying....I recommend this class highly.
It is worth every cent I paid to experience it.
Also...this class has caused me to feel a mixture 
of exhaustion and exasperation.
I am exhaustipated.

Each week has a specific focus and the class structure
 and assignments

lead me down a path sideways until....

 whammo!

The thing I've been avoiding or obscuring is right in front of me.
It's exactly what I wanted and needed-
and what I have unable to quite achieve on my own.

Last week, the class walked me right into this tried and true

 lie that I whisper to myself still:

I need to play small.

One of my homework exercises for the class focused on 'truth'.
There were a series of questions designed to focus me on who I am
so that I can discern what is 'true' about me.

Here's an example question:

What are you most known for?

My short hand answers:

speaking truth in uncomfortable situations 

for holding on in the face of impossible

driving through-crisis management

good food and crazy flowers

my ability to make something beautiful out of something terrible

There were several pages of these kinds of questions.
I am supposed to write responses out long hand-
no computer typing to get to these roots.
It is cathartic and interesting what that pen writes-
as if it is separate and distinct from me.
The exercise culminated in writing an obituary of sorts.  

If I stopped my life today, if I put a pin here and looked backwards, 
what would I claim as done?

I was told to describe what I've achieved using facts.

I was supposed to use the material from the previous 
questions to create this last step.

I didn't.

Not really.
Instead, I just plowed ahead on auto-pilot
and wrote up a brief summary of data about myself.
I included only things that a stranger could prove in quantifiable ways.

My name, birth date and place, 
parent's and children's names, 
 current place of residency,
schools I graduated from and
the work I've done as a professional that puts letters behind my name.

I mentioned my church and a few of my garden endeavors
 but they sounded like hobbies-

not the foundational calling of my life.
In this summary, not a reference could be found for 
writer, artist, or designer.

Not a peep about crisis management, mediation skills or mentoring.

Teaching and motivational work was erased.
I didn't even include my ability to do push-ups or 
how I finally ran 3 miles without stopping!

I left out lots and lots of of things that are a part of me 

and areas where I am undeniably talented.

When I answered the homework questions, 
I claimed a rainbow of strengths.

But when I was tasked with summing it up,

pulling it all together into a narrative....

I left it out or minimized those strengths,
whittling them down to a thin, uninteresting blip.

What the heck?

After a time of reflection (i.e.-a long, protracted argument in my head),
 I realized that this was my old friend,
the lie that says I'm supposed to play small and minimize my gifts.

Or else.

What is the 'or else' exactly?

It's a wiggly bugger....hard to pin down because 
 there are many issues in this mix for me:
socialization of women,
finding a sense of belonging by normalizing,
perfectionism and a fear of failure.
For today though, I'm going to focus on how I learned
not to get too big for my britches.
Not to shine too bright-

so I could leave some things for other people to be good at.

I don't think I am a narcissistic personality disorder sufferer
(although if I were, I doubt I'd recognize it).
Let me state for the record that I KNOW that I am terrible at many things.
Some things that I desperately wish I were good at
I am not.  And probably never will be.

Here's a short list of failings (feel free to leave more in comments):  
housekeeping, self-care, hand-eye coordination, small talk, 
controlling my face, patience, physics or electrical theory, 
most mechanical things, sitting up straight, focusing on just one thing, 
picking one part in three part harmony and sticking to it.

There are more. Many many more things.

However, I am above average at a lot of things.

Academics.

Art.

Leadership.

Bravery (and/or bossiness).

Drive and energy.

Plus I am pretty darn cute.

I got the message early on that being 
smart AND pretty AND creative was just a little too much.

I wouldn't fit into a box neatly.  

Pick one.

The world cannot handle all of you.

Slice some bits off so that people can be more comfortable around you.
So that you won't upstage people.
We need to find a single superlative that fits.
Do you want to be the smart one or the pretty one?
The artist or the scientist?
The lover or the fighter?
You cannot be all those things that you are...it makes the world cringe.
It limits the space for other people.
You'll be taking someone else's spot.
Pick one.

So I picked academics.

It seemed the one with the most longevity and diversity.

I am a well-rounded sponge when it comes to learning.

Math, science, literature, writing, languages -I soak them all up.
And with academics, I could work in some art for college aspirations.

I could hang my hat on this label for a good long while.

Whenever the other talents showed up,

I hid them under a bushel-utilizing them in secret 
to help further the public agenda of uber-nerd.

All through my teens and early twenties, 

Smart was my reason and my definition.

Accolades or rewards earned for being smart, I allowed to remain.

All others, I let fade out as inconsequential or part of the background.

This was an semi-successful strategy while in school but...

once my undergrad degree was up, it became apparent that
I needed a new box to fit into.

I originally thought I might become a college professor.
After some research, I realized that to make that happen....

I'd actually need to do some research.

Masters and Doctorate kind of research.

Egh....this is where my commitment to the box of academics
 started to crack a little.

Neither my generalized intelligence nor my disdain for hierarchy
lend themselves well to the halls of professional academia.
Did I mention I'm not patient either?

I joined the business world and haven't looked back.

Well...except that I keep trying to fit myself into a singular box.
One where I make sense to everyone else
and don't show off too much,
or claim too many diverse talents,
or over-shadow anyone who might need recognition more.
The thing is....it doesn't work.

I worked really hard to keep my gifts hidden.

And yet...they kept popping up like a scary clown.

It became harder and harder to ignore them-
and I finally decided to let myself go.
To give up-for the most part-
trying to slice off the bits that keep 
peaking around every corner.
They're just going to grow back anyway
like horns on a billy-goat.

When I let myself be ALL of myself-
no matter how much a jumbled mess it seems on paper-
something unique shows up.
Something that actually works all together
in a way that is necessary and right.
I do a ridiculous and varied cacophony of 
things that somehow makes sense to me.
I grow things, I eat things, I heal things.

I cultivate connection.
Writing, designing, learning and stretching,
joining discussion groups, searching for the DIVINE,
breaking my heart open every time it starts to feel too tight,
leaning into LOVE, protecting whenever I feel the call.

More homework from The Bigger Yes...A vision board of my path.

Jump back to that obituary though....

I thought I'd quit playing this game.

I thought I'd reclaimed these gifts.
I thought that I had reconciled with the fact that I
don't fit inside just one box.

Apparently, taking a class is enough to trip me 
right back into the trap of this lie.

Here's the most deeply exhaustipating part:

I may always be working to reclaim these gifts and 
to reframe my narrative.

To hack out the little bits of a lie that kept me playing small
 or dancing for the cheap seats

for years and years.
I may never 'fix' this lie in myself.
But I'll be damned if I don't keep trying.

The work of this life is learning in my bones
that I do not have to play small.

I do not have to be anyone other than who I am.
I do not have to make sense to anyone
and whatever gifts I have are all mine, all the time.

What are the ways you limit yourself?

Do you tell yourself you can't (when you know you could)?

Do you stay safe (because it's too risky to try something new)?

You just may need to get comfortable with disappointing some people.
And get ready to do stuff they told you wasn't possible.

Street art from a recent trip to Savannah.