WHAT COMES NEXT? (SPOILER: I DON'T KNOW)

Most people reading this blog know me in some form or fashion in real life.

So most of you already know that I recently gave notice and ended my employment.

It can't be much of a surprise given that my word for the year is #quitting.

A lot of you are doing that thing that we do

in this culture where you ask me

with bright-eyed expectation what I plan to do next.

Some of you have asked how my vacation is going

and when I think I'll be ready to get back in the ring

or get back up on the horse.

I know that you mean well.

I really really do.

I'm doing my best not to twitch visibly

or lash out in anger when you ask.

It's not your fault really.

It's the soup we all swim in.

If I'm not out there hustling, then am I even living?

How am I even valuable if I'm not slugging it out?

What is bigger or better or next?

The next rung on the ladder is there for the taking;

the money won't make itself;

you have every bit of faith that any challenge I take on

is a sure bet.

Go get'em tiger!

Our culture doesn't tolerate the messy middle very well.

I had a realization that I needed a change-

and I needed it in a giant, soul-saving kind of way.

I took an action to end something but..

I'm in no shape to rise again quite yet.

When someone leaves a marriage,

you don't ask them the day after when they

plan to get married again.

Whether the marriage was good or terrible,

they need time to sift through the events.

I started working at the company that I just left when I was 24.

I helped build it and the experiences I had there 

helped shape me.

I have a whole host of personal and professional talents

but they have been entwined with the success and health

of a single entity for so long that it's difficult to know

where what the company wants ends and where what I want begins.

I have certifications and skills and perspectives

that I know are valuable on the market.

I also have incredible self-drive and belief in my own 

ability to relish challenges. 

I like the making of the money.

I am talented in that arena.

I'm saying all of this because I just want you to know that I know.

I KNOW.

But I also know some other things that aren't that 

apparent to someone not in my head.

While many years at the company were great-

the last four have been increasingly hard,

culminating in 12 months of absolute toxicity.

I am incredibly fortunate that I don't have to find immediate employment.

I realize that is a privilege that almost no one has or if they do-

most people ignore that it's a possibility.

I've got a lot of support that has encouraged me to take this

step-do something practically unheard of in our society.

I'm taking a break from professional engagements.

I don't know how long it will be.

It may be a month.

It may be a year.

There's a lot I need to unpack.

I was so young when I started at that company-

I never really 'chose' much of what I ended up doing.

I reacted instead of responding, I enabled instead of empowered,

I performed instead of being authentic.

I allowed an awful lot of my personal boundaries

and my values to be crossed in the name of an idea

that I didn't actually buy into as a worthy goal.

Not always or every time-but enough.

Enough that I need to weed through the tendrils

and piles of things that are somehow

wound around each other but have no place

living into perpetuity in their current juxtaposition.

What a mouthful.

Let me try to say it more simply:

I need to edit those chapters so that I can tell what to carry forward.

How did I get here from there?

What things have I done before that I want to do again?

What things have I done before that I want to put into the donation pile?

I'm sure I'll be processing some of that in writing

in this blog.

But some of it will never see the light of day.

Unlike my normally driven self, I have very few goals

that I've committed to over the coming days.

I'm going to sit with myself and get to know who I am when 

no one is depending on my decisions.

I'm going to not be in charge for a bit

of anything other than my own self.

I'm going to be walking around in the woods

or trails near my house.

I'm going to remember how to sleep

and belly laugh and make incredible food.

I might even start growing some things again.

I know our culture loves a big reveal, a turn around story

or to jump to the conclusion at the end.

I don't know what that is yet

so you'll have to forgive me for not having 

a perfectly put together response.

I don't know.

That's your answer.