BACK-HANDED COMPLIMENTS

Do you have nicknames?

Labels you give yourself or that other people have given you?

I respond daily to 20 different words besides my given name.  

They are terms of endearment, little love notes or labels

to show that I am special or unique.

They can be beautiful touchstones that help me feel 

loved, known or valued. 

Reminders that I matter to the nicknamer 

and that our relationship is special.

Sometimes though...nicknames can be less than wonderful. 
Do you know about back-handed compliments?
A back-handed compliment is an insult wrapped in 
a layer of sweetness-kind of a dark art form.
Older southern ladies are excellent at them.
That new hair cut sure makes your face look thinner!
Does that mean you like my haircut or that you think my face looks fat?
You have to be really clever to work words into a mixture
that makes the full meaning of them difficult to discern.

What about the nicknames you give yourself?
These are some of the sneakiest kind of nicknames.

Most of my life, I called myself a 'guy's girl'.

I swore like a sailor, drank like a fish, 
rolled with all the punches, laughed at all the jokes.

I developed a direct, aggressive communication style.

I became a bossy, outspoken, protector of underdogs.

I was not a 'shrinking violet' or a 'sweetheart'.
I was a girl who intended to navigate this world like the boys.

Describing myself as a 'guy's girl' was a way of 

framing some of my actual preferences that didn't seem to fit in
with female stereotypes that float around our culture.  

I love digging in dirt, science experiments, and watching action movies.  
Sci-fi, comic books, and power tools-all great!

I don't like having my nails done, shopping, or romance novels.
Also...I've got two brothers and have always had lots of male friends.
I like being liked by guys.
Saying that I was a 'guy's girl' felt powerful-

like reclaiming some of my identity in a world
that seemed to continually remind me to play small, be sweet.

I wanted to have every opportunity open, 
not be limited in the roles available to me.
I wanted to be the hero of my own story-
and in a lot of ways, I interpreted my strengths
and my goals as masculine.
A 'guy's girl'.
Term of endearment right?

Well...maybe.

This little label had some other, less positive nuances.

I have a challenging, broken relationship with my mother.

This primary relationship, the first love story of my life,
was with a young woman who was not ready or capable
of shepherding me through to adulthood.
My foundation for connection with women was fractured from the start.
My experiences with my mother, and my inability to trust her love-
made being a 'girl's girl' all but impossible.


As I grew into adulthood,
I often felt uncomfortable in my own skin around women.
I was not sure how to act, when to trust, 
when to be gentle or firm, when to listen.
I did not get a sense of belonging from meeting new women.
I got a deep sense of foreboding.

Being vulnerable in front of new women felt like setting myself on fire.
Protecting myself was the utmost importance-survival skills learned early
limited my bravery when it came to being myself.
So instead of listening for connection,
I often listened for reasons to justify keeping my distance.

I used to say-most women don't like me.
This was a limiting belief that I clung to so that I could justify my distance.
If they don't like me, I don't have to try.
If we have nothing in common, then I can stay in my cave.
Risk and vulnerability and the messiness of real connection-
I've had enough of that thanks.
I'll just stick to what I know.

To be clear, I DO have female friends!  

Incredible sister-friends who have walked with me for years.  

Women who saw me go through STUFF.

The women that I let myself be vulnerable and open before-

who saw me shatter, struggle, and laugh.

Who saw me screw up, work towards redemption and celebrate joy.
Not one of these women likes me because I'm a 'guy's girl'.
They love me because I am also a 'girl's girl'.

In some ways, these friends helped me justify the label of 'guy's girl'.

If I'd had zero female friends, maybe I would have seen it sooner.
Since I had several, and since they are so amazing in themselves, 
I inadvertently reinforced this limiting belief.
These women like me..so I'm not completely worthless.

Look at these jewels -I've hit the jackpot of friends.

I just don't NEED more women friends.

As if having more girlfriends would somehow be too much.

Or as if there was a catch limit on the number of close 
friendships women could have with other women.  

If I found a new friend who was a woman, 
I might have to give up an existing friendship.
There might not be enough of me to go around.

Another way to keep playing small.

Calling myself a 'guy's girl' was not a term of endearment.
It was a back-handed compliment.

Being a 'guy's girl' was another way of saying I was NOT a 'girl's girl'.

I picked one side (and sub-consciously rejected the other side).

Healing this wound was not on my radar.
I didn't see my 'guy's girl' label as a problem.
Until-like so many miracles, something very small happened.
I was invited into a mother-daughter group.
With five other moms and daughters that I barely knew.
And then another miracle....
I said yes (when what I wanted to do was run away).
I started to heal a little bit...breathe into this girl thing.
Only then did I start to notice how big the wound is.
Whew.


Watch your mouth.
It will tell you the truth.
Nicknames are interesting.
And endearing.
And also....they can be limiting.
They can be flat-out insulting.
You have to be in on the joke to see it.
You have to know that you are not in fact
the nickname itself.

That you are something more that is not containable.
Test them.
Flip them inside out.
Turn them over to see the underside.
Pull out the limiting beliefs, put them in the daylight.

You might be surprised at what you find.