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Tuesday, February 27, 2018

IT'S SO EASY



I'm especially hyper-focused on word choices lately.
I have learned a lot about what I need to heal
by listening to the words that are most closely at hand.
These little gems that my subconscious mind grabs quickly
often give me the best insights into what is driving me.

Here's a little nugget for consideration:
She makes it look easy.

As I watch an Olympian earn a gold medal-
her jubilation and joy on hand for everyone to witness.
A person who has spent countless hours
focused on this dream.
A person who has bled and cried and sacrificed with a singular focus,
ignoring other life choices in favor of this one goal.
A warrior who has battled with elite athletes
to achieve the highest possible accolade in the world.

She makes it look easy.

As I read a memoir written by someone who suffered unspeakable trauma.
A beloved child who made it out of pain and then 
found the courage to walk through it again.
A magician with the wisdom to string phrases together that will
describe her experience exactly.
Who will connect through the page with an audience 
that did not realize (or want to know) that such things
 were possible in the world.

She makes it look easy.

As I sit in a park watching a young woman with 5 kids in tow.
One set of twins that can barely toddle,
two stair step girls and a big brother.
The kids are doing exactly what kids do-
picking up sticks, running in circles, trying to emulate the big kids.
The act of counting the kids and calculating the number
 of years she's been without sleep
makes my stomach ache with desperation.
But this precious caretaker has goldfish and juice and a smile...
and clean hair and matching clothes.

She makes it look easy.

Months ago, as I sit in the hospital with my dad, watching 
him express frustration about
the IV needle in his arm that is burning.
His nurse gently shifts the IV, then decides it needs to be re-done.
This is the fourth time in two days the IV has needed to be reset.
Her patient's eyes well up-from frustration and fear.
She puts her hand on his shoulder, looks in his eyes and says
'We're going to get this fixed.  I promise.'
Thirty minutes later, the patient is re-settled and relieved.

She makes it look easy.

None of these people are doing work that is easy.
They are persistent, resilient, and dedicated.
That's what it takes to perform as if hard work is effortless.
So why is the ease on display what receives the accolades?
Why don't we say 'Your hard work is showing' or 
'Your dedication is really impressive'?
I guess we do say that sometimes.
Still..this phrase sticks around.

listening to whispers on NCSU campus

Someone recently said this phrase to me.
The external performance I'd put on in relation 
to an ongoing struggle has apparently been Oscar-worthy.
I made it look easy.
When it felt like dragging myself over salt flats
after running naked through razor blades.

The challenge with feeling all the feelings
is that when a friend tries to give you a compliment
that is back-handed....you actually realize it in the moment.
I felt slapped.
I felt diminished.
I felt invisible.
Like all the work I'd been doing for months and years
was not important or valuable.
That the value is in making it seem as though it is effortless.
After a little introspection, I have some realizations.
I didn't want to be praised for making it look easy.
I wanted to be comforted for the pain or 
acknowledged for being brave enough to try.
That's why it felt back-handed.
I want people close to me to realize how hard this struggle is.

Nothing about this struggle has been easy.
Still is not easy.
On most days, it feels IMPOSSIBLE.
And yet. 
It's what I am choosing to do.
In spite of lots of other choices that would be easier.

Why didn't my friend know my heart?
Why did my friend think the best thing to do would be to reward my stoicism?
Most likely, it's because of my own actions.
We teach people how to treat us.
I made it look easy.

I don't show the hard part of this experience to most of the world
because it is private, intimate and complicated.
Also...it has been MY work.
Not work that I could share or explain.
At least, this has been the story I've been holding to for so long.
Even my friend, who knew some of the struggle
was in the dark about the depth.


So many of us have learned to mask the struggle 
and to put on a performance.
I've most likely been giving off the subliminal message
that the best thing you can say to me is that I make it look easy.
I'm discussing the topic-but only when I have somewhat mastered a lesson, 
I'm teaching the people around me that I don't want to talk about the effort.
That the work is in the resolution-not in the striving.
I'm implying that it was easy and not highlighting 
the number of teachers who coach me,  
or the number of times where I'm sure that I will never be able to master it.


Good food for thought (for me).
I am making a new effort to show those close to me exactly 
how hard some of these struggles are-
so that they will have a clearer, more realistic version of who I am.

I'm also going to work on a better way to acknowledge someone else's success.
Nothing is actually easy-
basic life is very very hard for all of us.
What if we start saying things like:
Wow-that has sucked for a long time hasn't it?
You've managed to find beauty in the pain.
You've worked on that so hard-I'm so glad to see you reaching the goal.
It cannot have been easy to do that so well.
That is not easy.










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