I was pulling a shift at the coffee shop a few months ago
and one of my best friends came in before she headed to
her current gig in the corporate world.
I introduced my friend to the manager of the shop
and the manager laughingly said
"Oh yeah. I'm her boss!"
We all broke into a chuckle, lauging together
at the ridiculousness of it all
because according to this world, the capitalistic ideals
and one of my varied paychecks, she's correct.
In the coffee shop, she has final say of processes and procedures,
has to deal with scheduling and is the escalation point for
any customer needs.
According to the sarcastic, laughing tone
she was using when she was talking,
she knows that she's not my actual authority in anything
past the coffee shop and she's not trying to be.
(I have a whole other thought about the gender differences
between leaders that I need to ruminate on before trying to articulate it).
She's a lovely person, grace-filled, kind and capable.
I appreciate working with her, alongside her in this season.
But she is not really my boss.
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| the business end of an espresso machine |
Have you ever known something
so true and obvious that you don't think to say it out loud?
And it's not until someone says something that is clearly
counter to everything you understand
that you think...oh, I should say this part out loud
so that we can avoid this kind of misunderstanding later.
Most often, I have these kind of ephiphanies
while I'm coaching someone and it's about them
and their misalignment.
But every now and then-
like that moment a few months ago-
I can hear the things that need clarifying
within my own relationships or posture towards things in public.
The thing about these kinds of moments...
they can be profoundly formative but not always in ways
that lead to popularity or comfort.
Sometimes, clarifying your position might get you kicked
out of a place or a group that you lurked secretly within,
seemingly welcome and allowed.
Which is why so many times, we just let the thing pass,
let people think about us what they like, smug in the knowledge
that we know the truth.
That works.
Until it doesn't.
Sometimes, it's important for us to say the thing
that we know to be true or authentic
so that it doesn't become a weird little shame nugget.
I've tried to talk myself out of posting this online
for anyone to read and analyze but
I need to come clean about something
that might get a little hectic with potential clients or employers
because while it's true for me,
and has been true for decades
it doesn't jive with how the world tells us to live.
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| an attempt at latte art (by me) |
The thing is...GOD is my BOSS.
Don't ask me how I got the job-
I don't even remember the hiring process
so I'm not sure I could get out of it even if I wanted to quit.
It's not a cool kid gig and the pay...
well it's frankly shit.
We talk about it a lot, me and the boss.
There is a lot of swearing on my side
and an abundance of patience and laughter
from GOD's.
Nothing is more infuriating than having
someone laugh at you when you are resistent, angry
and just plain stubborn but my boss apparently feels
that this is the proper way to motivate me.
The fact that it's working is another point of contention
within our relationship.
Quite often, the energy and focus I expend resisting
what GOD wants me to do ends up convincing me that
I need to do exactly what GOD told me to do in the first place.
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| attempt number two |
Having GOD as a boss is frankly, kind of a bitch.
Not only is GOD infinitely creative but
THEY leave most of the details around how to execute
my part in THEIR ideas completely and utterly up to me.
When I ask for guidance, I'm often just told
to wade in, one small step at a time with
my broken open heart on full display as if that isn't
the most terrifying action anyone can take.
All the training I've received is on the job
and no matter how much experience I have,
it always feels like I'm completely insufficient for the moment.
Also, we have some real differences in
what it means to plan for an effective work day.
God puts people on my schedule willy-nilly,
ignoring what I had planned and disrupting
my comfort in favor of an agenda I barely grasp.
Most of the time, God doesn't even let me know about the appointment.
Someone shows up in front of me at the coffee shop,
finds me on the internet,
or randomly says words to me during planned connection
that land in irritatingly prophetic ways.
I mean-couldn't I get the memo that the conversation
was going to be an important one?
Wouldn't it be better if I could prepare?
My only explanation is that God seems to be
relentless in the use of whatever I have on me in the moment.
Even when I do it wrong or poorly-God seems to be able to use my worst
to help someone else find their best.
I guess it's a good thing that I can't seem to get fired because
while I'm good at a lot of things the world loves,
I'm barely competent at this job.
I'm can be lazy, argumentative and avoident.
I prefer to do things that pay me in money
even though they are never as rewarding or urgent as what my boss wants.
It's only in the past decade that I've actively decided
to focus on accomplishing some of the deeper work my boss wants
me to take up instead of just grabbing the low hanging fruit.
I thought maybe giving my boss a little more focus
would improve our relationship.
That maybe THEY would back off a bit
and appreciate that I'm finally owning my place in the company,
maturing a little bit as a junior associate.
It hasn't worked out like that though.
We still argue A LOT.
There are things that I know my boss cares about
that I would prefer to ignore.
My timeline on when I'll get to
a few of those late night memos is never.
I know GOD uses 'read receipts' on these memos,
I know GOD knows that I hear the message
and I spew 'can'ts' and 'won'ts' in GOD's direction regularly.
Still...some of the memos I thought I'd never actually
act on have proven to be the greatest,
most beautiful assignments I've ever had.
Staying -married, at the table, in the conversation, or with the complicated
Quitting -alcohol, jobs, diet-culture, people-pleasing, driving other people's lives
Refusing -to go along with the easy narrative, the trite labels, or the lies that chip away at authenticity one slice at a time
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| cup art by a sweet coworker |
Which is why I keep at it.
There's a still small voice inside of my soul
that speaks to me with relentless insistence
about a whole host of tasks and opportunities and beautiful
possibility of what WE could be if I just do my damn job.
And of course, all the other employees did theirs too.
I AM all in for us though-
wherever two or more are gathered
I'm open to the fact that my boss sent me and might have sent you.
There is enough work to do in the name of LOVE
and I'll use all the tools available to build a place here on earth
that includes all of the love, acceptance and grace that
exists in the heavens.
Arguing and grumbling and wrestling with my boss the whole way.
If you want to give me feedback,
wrestle around about it in real life
I'm down.
In fact, I'm positive my boss will put you on my calendar
if this is a conversation we need to have.
If you'd rather schedule it yourself, drop me a line.
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| 📷 by my daughter... |
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