ALL IN FOR WHAT? (THE TENSION IN BELONGING)

"I wish I could be like you" she said to me.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You're all in.  You're committed. On board with the whole thing."

I laughed out loud which is my general response to anything

confusing or dangerous.

We were discussing a lot of things that morning but 

in this particular moment we were talking about church

and her impression that I'm 100% all in and committed

 to the place we sometimes worship together.

I mean...I currently love and respect the humans who 

do their work out of that beautiful, light-filled space.

But I'm a church organizer's nightmare (sorry-not-sorry).

I don't want to be in the cool group, rarely want the t-shirt, 

barely wear the gang-signs of groups that I've

been involved with for my whole life,

and have at least six different ways to take a conversation

from the weather to a more lively topic that will 

NOT fit with the monthly sermon series in under 10 seconds.

I distrust most systems created by humans

(since we are absolute jackasses whenever anyone gives us 

one little bit of power)

but I am particularly prickly about church.

At the risk of being misunderstood,

I'm going to share what I said that morning to my friend

in a more cohesive, thought out way that 

I'm sure still manages to be inflammatory.

You braced yet?

A gang-sign I can still wear proudly

I'm not a 'fan' of the church.

Take that in every way you can take it.

I don't 'belong' to the church.

At least not the way people are using that word nowadays.

I wish I could be as simple and committed as my friend 

imagines me to be but I doubt that will happen this side of heaven.

I'm always ALWAYS reconsidering and relooking...

recovering and resetting.

Even if it looks like I'm the same as I was last time

you looked at me, I've done a circuit of 

checking and double checking a score of things

before I'm able to sit still for a hot minute

inside the walls of an institution.

When I describe it, it sounds like I'm a frantic

and anxious border collie checking the locks.

That's not the right image except for the notion

of relentless persistence it pulls up.

That part feels accurate because that is part of who

I am and who I will be.

Human institutions that have even the tiniest bit of power

seem to morph overnight into toxic havens where greed and pride

conspire in a shame-powered vitamin shake.

I just can't put much trust in human institutions

but especially not when they're prone to do everything in GOD's name

without anyone auditing their mistakes.

I recently had a session with my spiritual director

where I started out with this idea of belonging and we riffed

on that for a smattering of minutes.

I cannot 'be' in a place for a 'long' time.

I'm always holding in tension these two ideas-

to be (alive, alone, breathing awake)

with longing (dreaming, hoping, wishing).

I am present and then I am imagining who we could be

and then I am present again.

The tension between those two states feels holy to me

because when I hold that tension I can find intention.

I can't quite express it with words,

I might be able to sing my part of it in harmony

with something else.....but pinning it down is difficult.

I can feel

the pendulum moving between the two states... a spark of the DIVINE,

a kind of beacon that points me towards

where I can really be LONG.

Doodle I did to try and explain this metaphor to myself

Where is that?

Where do I belong?

I have a short, simple answer

that is clear and obscured at the same time.

I belong to GOD.

I find church (community)

wherever two or more are gathered

and I trust that we are walking

each other home to our Maker.

I do it intentionally-this seeking out other people

as if they are mine because I think on some level

we all belong to each other as much as we all belong to GOD.

Some of us don't know it or have forgotten it.

Some of us resist it and reject it.

Some of us know it and then try to hide our 

hearts and minds inside a church thinking the work

of tension is over now, that we can let go and let...

something else take the wheel of our intentions.

We decide to only BE and forget to LONG.

We replace the tension with 

walls and rules and hoops to jump through.

That always,

somehow,

end up keeping out the people

who could break our hearts enough

for us to squint through our tears

and see the reflection of GOD.

From Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart

GOD is much much bigger than the church,

or really any box on earth

and refuses to stay inside any limits humans assign.

I sometimes worship GOD in church

but I don't now (and have never) felt particularly bound

 by the lines of any church.

I love and care about people who I know through 

meeting them in church

but not more than or less than the people I've met worshipping

GOD in a field while weeding or singing loudly

or sharing a meal or a coffee or a heartbreak.

I work with the church when it aligns with what my Boss 

tells me to do.

When my Boss directs me elsewhere, then elsewhere I go.

Finally, I attend and serve at a church who is led by people

I trust and respect who are not asleep at the wheel.

It is working hard to become what it says it is-

a place that connects the disconnected,

that provides safety for those who are badgered and weary,

and a place that is open and transparent when there is concern.

That's really all I can ask for it to be-

a little part of a bigger body, working to reconcile

wrongs and heal injustice one intentional step at a time.

It's not a place where everyone can be for a long time

but it is a place that accepts those who have never quite

found community among the righteous.

That little body aligns with my instruction from GOD

pretty often but not perfectly.

Not every time.

Not with perfect pitch or soft comfortable repetition.

I can be there longer than I can be in other places

but I won't be there forever.

A long time is not the gift of humans.

It's part of the joy of this ride that nothing is forever.

I'm not all in in the sense that I've given over 

the tension and discernment that is mine to steward.

But I'm all in for GOD.

Here's a prayer that the holy tension

between being and longing finds you

and lights you up.

Whether it's a spark or a blaze,

I long for you to be

exactly who you are made to be.