My brain is a weird twist of bad science metaphors
delivered to my conciousness in a fever dream.
I spend a lot of mental capacity trying to chase down these threads
and turn them into something useful but many of them just
evaporate once I understand them.
and one of the 'fruits' of that connection is that
these ideas 'stick' better.
Our recent session started with discussing orchids.
She has a beautiful one in her new office that was really showing off
and she was understandably proud of it.
I shared that I have recently killed all my orchids and
I am also proud of it.
Yep, you read that right.
I killed my orchids.
And I'm proud of it.
What?
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| Not my orchids.... |
I'm going to explain but before I go further,
I want to be clear.
If you are an orchid owner, if you delight in them
and choose to include them in your space,
I support that one thousand percent.
There are hundreds of varieties of orchids,
they grow all around the world in a lot of conditions.
They highlight the infinite creativity of the Creator
and how much GOD wants us to thrive,
even in conditions that are tough.
Nothing I say next should minimize that-ok?
A benefit of #quitting is I spend my time differently than I used to spend it.
Almost accidentally over the past year, I have managed
to cultivate a robust indoor garden.
I have cuttings in the windowsill,
clusters of old fashioned houseplants littered around every
room that I spend time in, and a running
list of botanical projects that means I spend several
minutes almost every day interacting with this indoor garden.
Now, if you know me at all, you know I have loved plants
my whole life and I've never had a season where I wasn't
growing something, tending to some green tinged space.
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| I *think* this is at Fairview Garden Center in Raleigh but I can't remember for sure |
But if you're not a hort nerd, you might not
realize that I was barely cultivating this joy of mine
-choosing to focus my energy on outdoor efforts because
our modern spaces are NOT designed to support natural life.
Indoor heating dries out plants, air conditioning does the same
but often keeps them burning energy to buffer the chill.
And the light-good LORD the light is insufficient
for all but the most efficient photosynthesizers.
Our homes and offices are dark caves when we aren't present
and we put film on our windows to block out spectrums of light
that plants need.
It's pretty hard on us too if we're honest.
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| root cutting from a christmas cactus |
Orchids though-
many of them can hack it inside our spaces.
These plants have evolved to thrive in conditions that are pretty
harsh and require them to pull moisture and nutrients from the air
with little direct sunlight while grasped onto the side of trees or rocks.
After living on a diet of air,
they produce a dramatically articulate bloom that
lasts for weeks, sometimes months- a bright flag
waving on a stalk to attract a pollinator.
When the bloom is done, the plant will go back
to a haphazard mass of woody roots and waxy leaves-
unattractive by human standards but a smart use of resources
for a plant in such inhospitable environments.
Sometimes people throw them away after the bloom is spent,
trade them in for a new model that is already blooming
and avoiding the 'ugly stage' of 6-9 months before they
have enough energy to send up another thin stalk topped with colorful flags.
We've had a few orchids in our garden over the years,
getting them to rebloom pretty often by ignoring them just right.
But last week, I noticed that both of the ones remaining
are on their last leg.
And I decided not to rehab them.
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| Can you spot the slmost dead orchid here? |
In my current iteration, I'm actively working to create a life
that celebrates being nurtured and cared for.
A life that shines light on the black mold of shame.
That actively celebrates abundance, generosity, fulfillment.
I have made great strides in shedding many elements of diet culture
but I am nowhere near at peace with it.
The disordered relationship I have towards my health, my body, eating
and exercise may always be a challenge-an attitude
I have to cultivate actively because the passive protocol is so destructive.
And (for me) every time I look at an orchid, I am reminded
of how our culture has tried to convince me (and every other woman)
that we need to be the most glorious and beguiling
on the thinnest of margins.
How everyone else's joy and delight
is expressed most fully in our ability to bloom in spite of
denying ourselves sustenance.
How we need to preserve this bloom for as long as possible
or we will be disposable since that's the only
benefit we bring to a space.
Brains are such bizarre things-it is obviously not the entire
Orchidaceae family's fault that I attach human meaning to their biology.
Orchids are truly glorious.
But for now, I don't want them to take up space in my physical
or mental garden.
I only want to see wild orchids, free
in the environments where they can actually be pollinated
and have a chance to make something else
from all their courageous striving.
I let mine die-so that something new can take up that space.
Finally, I may cultivate orchids again-I may not.
There are no wrong choices really-
just decisions about what takes up space in your
(physical and mental) garden.
Since I get to make those choices,
I'm going to surround myself with reminders of the life
I intend to live, ruthlessly editing out anything that inhibits my own
ability to thrive and play.
What are you editing out or pulling into your life?
I'm leaning a little more towards joy every day.
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| My friend Melanie gave me this cute little ensemble |
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