"I don't think it's fair," she said.
I had just finished taking an older woman's order
and my mind scrambled for a second, reviewing her choices
to see what might not be 'fair'.
Two large coffees, one black, one beige.
Two blueberry scones, warmed up.
These choices seemed equitable
so I decided to risk the unpredictable
chaos people share with me when I'm serving in this capacity.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
The woman's face flushed as she issued her greivance.
"Why does she get to sit outside in the sun, eyes glued to her computer?"
She gestured to the four tables outside the glass windows,
each with a single customer,
three of whom were women.
Wait....wut?
 |
| I spend a LOT of hours in coffee shops..... |
It was a gorgeous fall day, the summer humidity had just broken
and the sun was gentle instead of relentless.
We had the shop door open because
EVERYONE (including us)
wanted to share in the glory of the day.
I paused for a moment,
trying to form a response that would line up with
my mission and values....which left space
for her to reiterate her complaint while managing to
STILL leave out quite a few important details.
"She's not even eating.
She's just staring at her screen taking up a whole table outside."
At which point it became clear to me that 'fair' was
a stand-in for something else.
She wanted me to bully some customers
around, run them out of their seats
so that she wouldn't have to interact with anyone
that she didn't know.
Luckily, I had come up with a response, even
if it was not the one she wanted me to have.
"It seems like you should make some friends. Maybe ask to share a table?"
This was not the response this woman wanted
but medicine rarely tastes good.
 |
| pumpkin spice season makes y'all a little unhinged |
As a coach, I work hard to avoid scripting anything specific
about the work a client will do during our time together.
Every person I work with is already whole,
creative and uniquely capable to build their own future.
If I come to our relationship with preconceived notions or structured agendas,
then I can unintentionally give them the very real
impression that I don't trust them (so they shouldn't trust me).
That said, one of the most common things that a client
struggles with is ultimately rooted in not understanding their own purpose.
What are they here to do?
What are the words that motivate them to rise above
their insecurities and keep going
or (and)
what are the words that keep them within the bounds
of their body, mind, or energy?
The remedy for this insecurity is often
and it's one of the most
rewarding (and frustrating) activities most clients
(eventually) decide to take on.
cultivating connection to bend our story towards the light
is my personal mission statement.
It has supported my decision making process
for the past ten years in a variety of ways.
I weigh decisions based on alignment with this mission.
Small ones.
Big ones.
Silly ones.
Serious ones.
You get the picture right?
This is a key guideline for rightness in
what I want this one wild and precious life to be.
Using this statement as a kind of sandbox
for testing my decisions has some unintended consequences.
By clarifying my lens, I end up seeing differently.
Seeing differently leads to action.
Action bears fruit.
And sometimes what I think I planted
is not what I end up harvesting.
It's often baffling.
 |
| My friend Jill made this for me years ago-isn't it amazing? |
For instance, one of the side effects is that I
intentionally seek to create connection and lift those around me
no matter how small the interaction.
In every environment and all kinds of weather.
Now, there are aspects to this focus that are very easy for me.
My brain has always stored information relationally.
I am very good at remembering names and faces,
birthdays, work history and nearest relations.
I've rarely met a stranger I couldn't connect with
on some level, having all my shyness washed out in favor
of survival as a young person.
I like people, like to understand them
and don't have judgement of them as my first move
even when they are behaving less than their best.
In fact, I probably like seeing them at less than their best
as a way of understanding who they are behind
the masks we wear around in public.
But there are often unpredictable interactions
like the one I started this post with that
can test my composure and quick thinking
when am not fully prepared to engage in the work cultivation takes.
About half the customers I see on any given day
are regulars-friends and neighbors I know well.
The other half are random people
who found themselves downtown and hungry who
wind up there almost accidentally.
A few months ago, there was woman
who just came from her friend's hospital bed,
looking for some warmth after spending the night in the ER.
Her friend was admitted with a mild stroke and was going to be fine.
But she was shaken and a little lost.
Lost enough to tell me about her friend while she drank her coffee.
And then restored enough to buy a latte for her friend's daughter to go.
Or the guy who was in town for business and had lunch with us two days in a row.
When I greeted him by name the second day,
he looked so shocked I thought I'd mis-remembered.
But it turns out, his job involves a lot of pretty negative interactions
(dissolving companies that have been acquired)
so if strangers know his name, it's usually because he had to tell them about the
companies severance package.
He's not often greeted like a friend on one of these trips.
Or the large extended family visiting from Maine
who took up half the cafe one morning
the day after a mentally ill man shot dozens.
Shell-shocked and grieving on their vacation,
I listened while they praised the superlatives of
their home state, tried to make sense of the reality,
and let them know that I have been there.
Both to Maine and to the place
where your home state isn't fully
represented by the news coverage.
.jpeg) |
| freedom demands freedom |
And while these examples seem unusual,
they are actually pretty normal.
It's not that I'm doing anything special
(even though I AM trying to do my best).
It's that people are really really lonely.
Starved for anything remotely warm and real.
They are dying to be seen and to be known.
For someone to remember their name
or take care of them in a small, intentional way.
Our old sicknesses of racism, sexism, and shame
have been made worse by their friends facism,
materialism, and fear.
Oppression is bad for all of us even though it tries to convince
those weilding the 'shoulds' differently.
And the third places we used to use for connection
-church, our front yards, or our extended families-
are broken open and apart right now in ways
that leave almost everyone floundering.
When I created this mission statement,
I didn't understand that I would become a kind of
EMT for lonely people.
I was imagining something easier,
less messy when I crafted these words.
Something that could be contained to working
hours or slots on my calendar.
I hope GOD gets a lot of giggles about how sure I am
that I know what I'm going to get when I set out to do something.
I know I do.
 |
| Found this on the wall of a coffee shop in Southern Pines recently. Profound. |
because cultivation is an ongoing,
active effort that invites but doesn't demand.
From me or from the people I interact with.
There are some people that I haven't been
able to build a bridge with, people so lost
or sick that I can't safely find a way to connect with them.
Like the woman who used to come into the coffee shop at least once a week
to yell at the baristas for getting her order wrong until they cried
(most of them are teenagers)
and then when she was asked to manage her emotions like an adult
wrote a 500 word negative review on yelp instead.
Or the half dozen middle aged men who walk a thin line
between interest and harrassment with their intrusive questions
and poorly veiled innuendos.
They are beyond my mission right now.
But I don't think they'll be outside of it forever.
We belong to each other.
All of us.
Even those of us who struggle to
feel redeemable.
Even those of us who are so sick and lonely
and lost that they punch help in the face
when it shows up.
I won't be behind the counter at the coffee shop much longer.
I've just accepted a position with a non-profit
and I can't wait to see the ways my
own personal mission statement evolves in that arena.
My BOSS is going to find new ways to put
people on my calendar and I'm confident I'll feel surprised and
absurdly irritated and delighted all at once.
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