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Tuesday, February 13, 2018

I AIN'T SORRY

Title of this post references an excellent song by Beyonce off of Lemonade (my personal 2014-16 soundtrack).


Walking through Target last week,
an older woman wrapped in a puffy coat and fuzzy hat 
brushes past me and says
Sorry.

A teenager and I make eye contact at Starbucks, 
both slightly swaying to the music and happily anticipating 
the impending caffeine buzz.
We smile, she ducks her head and tucks her hair behind an ear.
Two baristas simultaneously call drinks and put them on the bar.
She reaches, picks up mine, 
quickly puts it back down then says
Sorry 
with a smile.

In the produce section, a round little face babbles 
nonsense at me while he chews on a marshmallow treat.
By the time I've picked the red grapes over green, 
stated my opinions on Spiderman and dogs
the little guy and I are friends for life.
All I know about his mom is that she is sorry,
very very sorry.

As I turn the corner of the peanut butter aisle,
a harried mom with 3 kids spilling over a giant red cart
is directly in front of me.
Sorry she says as she attempts to make her 
precious cargo take up less space.

The cashier takes my coupons and I insert my card to pay.
I hit the wrong button and we have to start a step over.
I'm sorry she says.

Going out to the parking lot, a family of 4 halts
to double check their receipt,
put their wallet away and put on their coats.
The littles spin while trying to catch the open arm of their coat.
Cart traffic flows around them with nearly no hitch.
Still they pepper everyone who goes by with sorry.

Avett Brothers singing in a trailer are still awesome. (Click for you tube.)

Everywhere I move there are 10,000 apologies being murmured.
Sorry sorry sorry.
Always by women.
Or at least almost always.
Why are we apologizing so often?
What have we done to be so ashamed, so unworthy?
In all the words at our disposal,
why is the first one dripping off our tongues one of diminishing?
We are sorry.

My grandmother used to call something sorry 
that was broken or useless;
diminished and not living up to potential.
That sorry dog.
Those sorry people up in Washington.


When I first noticed the number of sorry's 
coming out of my own mouth,
I was shocked.
I decided to count them.
In one hour, I said 35 sorry's.
Twice I said sorry to myself
for doing normal, everyday activities.
What in the world?
How did this creep into my conversation
and set up such a large shop?
It is heartbreaking once you see 
the pervasiveness of this habit.

It is also infuriating.
Like watching someone hit themselves repeatedly
and feeling powerless to stop it.


It appears sorry has become verbal punctuation,
a stand-in for all the words that don't fit.
A way to keep us apart-and still meet 
the basic requirements of civility.
The first thing that comes to mouth
in almost every situation
is an overly simplistic apology.
An apology is not meant to be 
rote, thoughtless, or inconsequential.
What are you apologizing for?
Apologies only work their healing magic
when they are intentional.
Not haphazardly thrown out like
mosquito repellant.


Here's what I want to say every time I hear these words:
Stop saying sorry.
Wipe it from your vocabulary.
You're allowed to take up space.
Look at each person-including the one in the mirror.
Find other words to convey what you mean.
You might surprise yourself
by realizing that you don't owe anyone an apology
except yourself.



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