WATCH YOUR MOUTH

I was raised in the south so there is a certain 

tone that comes along with this phrase.

WATCH YOUR MOUTH.

'You better' usually precedes these words

and if the full name on your birth certificate is used 

in sentences adjacent to this phrase...

you are quite possibly about to meet your Maker.
I'm used to this phrase being a threat-
but lately I've been turning this phrase on it's head
as part of my self-growth and love practice.
What if I watched my own mouth?

What if I paid as much attention to the words
I use when speaking to or about myself as I do
 when choosing what to say to others?
What if I was careful of my own heart as I am of my daughter's? 
What if I listened for secret insights into my own 
mind like I do with my son?
Would I find care and consideration?
The answer is often NO.
Not always...but often.

I have been taught since birth to

choose my words towards other people with care.

If you can't say anything nice-

don't say anything at all.

You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Speak peace, say the right thing, don't be ugly, 

yes ma'am, no sir, thank you, excuse me.

I was only taught to use this skill EXTERNALLY.

Sweet talk was reserved for the things best said to others.

When talking to myself, my education was either silent 

to the finer points of self-speaking

or I was advised to be ruthlessly hard on myself to avoid 

'getting too big for my britches'.
Listening to the words I say to myself
is not part of my historical practice because it wasn't important.

To be fair....it can be hard to hear the words that I speak to myself.

My brain usually has about ten distinct conversations swirling around.

There are two dedicated channels going at all times:  schedules and food.

Then there's an array of other channels that get surfed in a constant round:

The last conversation with key people

Work projects

Personal projects

My outfit, my hair, my skin

My kids, my spouse, my dogs

Books and podcasts that interest me

And then there are events happening in the present moment!

It is a hot mess inside this brain-

a tornado that is very effective at distracting me

from what is going on with my soul.

Nayyirah Waheed

So how do I get to hear that internal voice?

Well...sometimes I have to hear the words OUT LOUD.

Some of the best clues to how my subconscious feels about me

are  found in conversations I am having with other people.

The words that I'm using will tell me if I watch my mouth,
if I pay attention like an outside observer might.

Here are some vocabulary indicators that I listen for, 
pebbles that lead the way-sometimes to little shame altars.

Diminishing Phrases

A friend asks 'How's your week?'

I might say 'Oh it's going good...just busy.'

Meanwhile....I haven't had a bathroom break in 5 hours,

I know I will leave my last meeting in a sprint to the car

so that we can eat dinner together before

going to a personal appointment at 7 pm.

Just busy, huh?

More like...over-scheduled and exhausted.

Using the word 'just' is pretty much a key symptom

 that I might not be loving myself.

I call this diminishing language.

When I minimize something that is stressful, 

anxiety producing or even possibly joy-giving-

my mouth is telling me to be small.

I might say 'I'm doing ok' instead of 'I'm struggling'.

I might use the dreaded words...'it's fine'

 instead of 'I am enraged'.

I might say 'It's no big deal' when what I really mean

is 'I'm so proud and excited my chest could burst'.

When the words that I choose are wholly insufficient 

to describe what is happening,

when my normally overly-articulate brain can only 

pull up simple descriptions,

I better watch my mouth.

I recommend this book for rebel girls of all ages...

Wimpy Verbs

Another indicator that I need to listen to my words

 is when I am using verbs that lack commitment or imply

that I am somehow not driving this car myself.

I'm trying, 

I might, 

I'm hoping, 

I wanted to

When I'm centered and strong and cared for-

I just don't use these kinds of passive words.

These words show me that I'm avoiding or afraid of something.

It's time to get curious about the sub-story

if I'm inadvertently giving my power away.

This life is my responsibility, my gift, my journey.

I have no intention of abdicating responsibility

and so I watch my mouth.

Choice Limits

If I am using the word 'should' relating to my own actions or choices,

then I'm holding myself hostage.

Should means there is only one possible outcome or choice

-or at least that it's important for some vague reason 

to believe the choices are limited.

There are almost no scenarios in life that are black and white.

With prayer and time, I can often think of hundreds of choices.

So a false assumption of limited choices tells me something.

Should also means that I am making a choice that my 

heart doesn't think is positive.

Should means I need to be coerced or convinced.

Taking an action that I don't believe in whole-heartedly 

means there will be a cost to pay down the line.

Sometimes I need to sit still and do nothing until the way

that I speak to myself about that choice has changed.

It is the right choice but I'm not ready to make it.

I should can sometimes change to I will.

It's important to give some grace until my mouth 

lines up with my heart.

Perfectionism

I am not in competition and I don't need a scorecard to keep track of anything.

Not with anyone, not for any reason, not at any time.

My centered soul knows that it is beloved and enough and already worthy.

It does not worry about whether someone else does it better

or whether there will only be room at the table for the top scorers.

So if I'm suddenly saying that I might not be good enough,

if I'm focusing on the fall instead of the ride,

or feeling the attention of mysterious judges on the sidelines....

well, I better watch my mouth.

The ways that I speak from my heart always spread love.

Always.

In all ways.

If I watch my mouth
and I notice that I'm not spreading love,
fueling support and giving grace
ESPECIALLY TO MYSELF
then I need to make changes.
No excuses.
No passive verbs.
No minimizing.
Now-when I can do it imperfectly.
Not later when I have it all figured out.
It is essential that I love myself.
The pervasive self-denial and self-hatred
that runs through most people that I know
has no positive purpose and can never be a force for good.
Love yourself.
As you love your neighbor
(or your child, spouse or best friend).
Love yourself
by using your mouth 
to speak kindness
to yourself.
Do it now.
Do it daily.
Create a reminder or a ritual.
This is some of the most important work 
that only you can do for yourself.
Maybe the most.
Watch your mouth.
You better.

Got this beauty at Indio in Durham.  Fantastic place.