SCHEDULE SITUATION (FREEDOM FEARS)

Almost a year ago, I was discussing my intention 

to leave my employer with my therapist during a session.

She asked me what I was planning to do in the weeks 

immediately following my end date.  

I told her I thought I'd get a job at a local garden center and just spend some time watering plants and soaking in the sun.

She gently reminded me of some things that I'd already told her 

regarding this upcoming change.

I didn't really need the money, I had saved enough to take a 

break for a good long time without much risk financially.

I already work in several gardens around town including my own yard 

so I had access to plants, sun, and water without the garden center.

I was burnt out and exhausted, physically and mentally drained in a way

that made it hard to recognize myself anymore.

What was my reason for rushing to put myself on a timeline again?

What was behind my desire to be once again tied to someone else's schedule?

Therapists are very annoying which is why they are so valuable.

Like usual, my therapist had managed to hone in on exactly the thing that I wasn't willing or able to see inside my own little head.

Quitting my job was fine.

Not having a plan for the future was fine.

Spending time focused on myself was fine.

Exercise and eating right and trying to figure out how to sleep again was fine.

A wide open calendar free of expectation was NOT FINE.

Not even a little tiny bit.

Space that does not need filling

Like, I started to sweat when I thought about how open ended

and available my time would be for the forseeable future.

It wasn't just anxiety or a mild form of unease.

It teetered on the edge of panic; sweaty palms, racing heart

preparing for the worst possible kind of threat.

What the hell right?

Who feels terrible because they have free time?

<clears throat>

Apparently me.

It took me a couple of days to get still and focused 

enough to understand what was happening.

This was obviously a trigger. I've had a lot of experience

exploring those and figuring out what to do with them

so I know how to dig in when they start popping off.

Ultimately I determined that I was scared that 

no one was expecting me to show up somewhere.

If I didn't have an appointment outside of my house

then no one would be aware that something was off with me.

I've said this before but since it's one of the central themes

of my character development, you'll get to hear it at least a few more times.

My over-acheivement and performance habits were developed

as a response to the abusive system of my family of origin.

I was smart, driven and capable because I was rewarded to be that.

It was how I found love and acceptance

AND

it was how I got away from my abusers.

There were two ways to get out of the house when I was young.

Work and school.

Both highly schedule driven.

Both tightly commitment bound.

I spent as many hours at school as I was allowed

and then when I was almost 14, I started working in restaurants.

That was very young to start working

but I would have fought you tooth and nail if you tried to make me stop.

Work was freedom, safety and access.  

Hillary McBride will walk you home.

If I was scheduled to be at school or work, then someone was expecting me.

If I showed up at either of those places visibly unwell,

then there would be consequences and questions.

I was never safe in the confines of my house.

I was never free or able to trust the motivations of those around me.

Life was unpredictable there and I did everything I could do to get out.

My life got much better once I started working and

by the time I was sixteen I was working full time while going to school.

The money I made meant I had access to things like food,

clothing and opportunities that I wouldn't have had without my own income.

I was very successful at this kind of multi-tasking.

My life depended on it (and so did a few other people's)

so even my abusers encouraged that outlet.

So I learned to stack my schedule with as many 'outside of the house'

things as I could possibly fit into a day.

A full schedule meant freedom and safety to teenage me.

There are a lot of things about the human maturation 

process that feel real dumb once you have a little experience with them.

I'm starting to think the definition of a mid-life crisis is refusing to deal

with your childhood wiring in an effective way.

 Those that learn to parent themselves, come out ok in their fifties.

Those that can't learn to parent themselves, 

look like a citrus fruit wearing a bad tupee.

#sorrynotsorry #roevemberiscoming

I've had to do quite a bit of rewiring this wrongly plumbed idea.

A packed schedule did actually mean freedom and safety for me

for about a decade of my life.

However, it doesn't mean that anymore and hasn't meant it 

for about two decades now.

I've created a life of safety and security.

I don't need to run away from home anymore.

I made myself safe finally.

Finally.

But my body didn't know that and 

was having a hard time accepting it.

When we need our body to accept things, we often

have to actually DO them so the body can experience the opposite

reaction and get used to it as a positive experience.

Remember, your body also has to learn to tolerate things that are 

good for you just like you've made it tolerate things that are bad for you.

You can get used to anything.

Even the good things.

Rupi Kaur's book Home Body is gorgeous.

I now have more than six months of experience with a fairly 

open-ended schedule and thankfully, 

it's starting to feel more natural and less scary.

Along with this new perspective on freedom, I've come to 

understand something fundamental that I didn't before.

I need time to take care of myself.

(did you just say duh?  I promise I'm smart in some ways.)

It takes about three hours a day for me to make sure that I am healthy.

Three hours!!!  

Does that seem like a lot to you?

It feels like a LOT to me.

Like who can take a whole three hours away from

all the other needs of the world to take care of themselves?

Except....it does take at least that long.

Sometimes it takes even 

more if I am tryin to thrive 

instead of live my life

like I'm in a combat zone.

I'm working on owning that care as my rightful inheritance

as a beloved child of the Creator because the world 

FOR SURE will not reinforce that for me.

I'm getting there, one long walk and one good night of rest at a time.

View from last week's mid-week grocery walk-10 miles and 25 pounds of groceries are a really good way to spend some workout time.

So what is on my professional schedule for the last few

 months of my year of #quitting?

Thanks for asking.

I've got some things going on that are different

than I would have ever expected six months ago

but I'm really excited about them.

I'll be finishing up my book draft by the end of October and

then I'll move into editing, book proposal drafting, etc.

I am taking on several coaching clients and have space for a couple more.

You can check me out here if you're interested or know someone who might be.

 I think I'm going to try and get a job at a coffee shop 

because I fricking love spending time in them.

I have three other ideas for books including another memoir

and an urban fantasy set in my home state.

I'd like to try and get some short stories published

and get a sense of that industry.

I've got a lot of hiking goals too.  I'm not going to miss

the upclose view to the seasons changing ever again.

Icy cold, sweltering heat, pouring rain, gentle breezes all

remind me I'm alive in a way I'm unwilling to give up.

Just a few things right?

My schedule has space to stretch now

and I can only recognize it as freedom.

Finally.

NO I'M NOT OKAY (AND IT'S OKAY TO SAY THAT)

I have long stretches where I am sitting in gratitude-

for this time with my kids;

for the financial stability and safety I am blessed with;

for my health and the health of my family, my community;

for technology that keeps my connected with my people 
with whom I can't share physical space;
for the strong healthy bonds with my little crew;
for this house and my dogs;
for time together, snuggled up.

It's so incredible and overwhelming.

I am whole.

I am safe.

I am well.

I am beloved.

There's a new order to my day.

Wake up, meditate, coffee, community prayer via Facebook.

Work for 4 hours.

Lunch with crew.

Work for 4 hours.

Workout. 

Eat dinner with crew.

Homework, connection, or bad TV.

There's no commute,

lots of my 'normal' stress is down.
There's no where to go-
except maybe on a walk.
There's no way to do more than I'm doing
and my general tendency to hustle has had 
to take a back seat to thinking creatively.
This new order is a gift.

And yet.

There's a sneaky thing that I'm noticing in this new order.

At least once a day

(sometimes more)

I feel hunted.

My chest tightens,

my pulse races,

and I can't shake the feeling of impending doom.

I'd like to say this feeling is predictable.

That I can control or anticipate when it shows up.

There is a stronger correlation with this feeling

after I've spent a lot of time online
or had a lot of sugar or caffeine.
But it comes when it comes.
 I spent 4 hours weeding and planting on Saturday
in a beautiful space.
Afterwards I sat in the sun, listening to birds
and felt like a creature in need of a cave.
I flinch if someone comes closer to me than 6 feet.
I have felt the OCD tendencies slowly creeping back into my life.

I'm not ok.

No one is right now.
But I'm also struggling with my own privilege.
I'm comparing my anxiety
to the anxiety of others;
my security to the insecurity of others.
So I can minimize it.

Comparison in this case tries to keep
me from seeing my very real mental health struggles.
If I tell myself that I don't deserve to feel anxious,
that my worries are so much less than someone else's-
then I'll end up numbing myself to reality.
If I numb myself to my own compassion,
then my ability to have compassion for others will also diminish.
If I won't hold space for my own anxiety,
then I will not be able to hold space for all 
the people who lack my privilege, safety and support.
This is one of the sneaky ways our society starts to break
into us and them.


Lucky for me...my heart and my body are not buying 
what my brain is trying to sell.
I have to accept that this is the reality.
No matter how whiny it sounds
or how much I want to minimize it.
I am worried.
I am anxious.
I am not okay.

I'm not okay.
But I'm not alone.

One of main sources of strength in this season is connection.

To my crew.

To my family.

To my Creator.

I'm still fumbling around to work those
things consistently into my new order.
It's challenging to be so intentional
about something that used to be innate.
Virtual meetings where there isn't an agenda.
Online morning prayer sessions.
Conversations with neighbors from a more than sufficient distance.
Using social media to be social.

It's ok to admit you're worried.
Or terrified.
Or angry.
Do it out loud.
Even if it mortifies you to admit it.

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR AND YOURSELF (TIPS FOR A PANDEMIC)

Things are more than tense...

they're pandemic tense.

Everything is cancelled.

Life is one big instance of holding your breath;

waiting on something to happen

but not being sure quite what might happen.

I'd like to offer something

anything

that would provide relief from reality.

Numbing reality is a choice a lot of people

make in a normal day-during this time

of unprecedented anxiety, it's not surprising that

many are choosing to check out or use unhealthy

coping mechanisms.

Sometimes though, reality is the cure.

I suspect we will find unexpected ways

that this season changed us for the better.

It won't be universally good and I'm not implying

that there should be a pollyanna type energy here.

This is a terrible situation where many have lost their

lives, their health, their jobs and safety.

I'm more trying to remind myself that humans 

are sometimes (often?)

at our best when we experience hard things.

It takes challenges for us to learn to be different

or to appreciate what is, instead of what we wish were.

What I can say so far about this season is that 

it has highlighted for me all the areas where I 

can reside in gratitude.

I have a job that I can work remotely

and still earn a wage, have health insurance, make progress.

I have a calling that allows me to continue

with my life's work even when I can't interact directly.

My core family is a safe space-both mentally and physically.

Our house is lovely and safe and filled with love.

We are right beside a public green way

and someone (Bloomin) planned our yard 

in such a way that birds and flowers are everywhere.

We're actually having a nice little time being 

sequestered off from the world.

It's like a stay-cation with a little more structure.

In spite of all that gratitude,

there is a serious sense of foreboding.

I've lost hours deep diving on statistics and prediction models.

Read the deconstructions of how COVID-19 presented

in China, Singapore, Hong Kong, and Italy.

Tried to understand the science (as much as we know)

so that I can apply it here.

I've been doing this for weeks, maybe months.

It felt clear to anyone who's watched a contagion movie

in the past 20 years that COVID-19 was coming eventually.

I distanced myself socially before it was pushed for

because it feels like the kindest, most loving act.

And because I'm positive that people don't wash their

hands nearly as much as they claim to.

Since COVID-19 has reached our shores,

I've found myself mentally cataloging our food

stores and having weird anxiety moments about what will

happen if we run out of fresh vegetables or

nutella or avocado.

Yes...these are first world problems.

But they are an aisle my mind insists on walking down

and each time I walk down them,

I'm signaling my own anxiety to myself.

Are we ok?

Will we be ok?

The answer is yes but the timeline will remain uncertain.

So what can we do in times like this?

How can we get outside of the terrifying confines of our 

minds, even for just a little bit?

Here are some suggestions:

Face Time a Friend 

Yes, face time.  

If you can't do that, call the old fashioned way.

Share your burdens with an actual human

and let them share theirs with you.

Work through your current challenges-together.

I bet you'll feel better even if nothing gets solved.

I'm having 'lunch' with a bestie today.

I've also got scheduled check-ins with my extended family

and friends so that I can hear their voices

and know how they're really feeling.

Connection is the cure for so much.

Limit Data

If you're like me, it can be easy to fall into the trap of

refreshing all the sites to find out the latest count or closure.

I would like to suggest that you only do this once or twice a day

during scheduled times.

Some animals just need to be caged

and this constant need to see the latest is one of them.

Read a book, watch a movie, play a game.

The news will be there when you want it

and make sure you're the boss of when it shows up.

Help Someone Else

You might be surprised how easy it is to help someone else right now

or how much you have to give.

Many organizations are taking food and cash donations

to support friends who won't be able to make ends meet.

Places that are on lock down could use notes or cards

to brighten their day.  

Call your local nursing home or hospital and 

ask what they need most.

Then make it happen.

Check in on social media networks or virtually

with people you haven't heard from in a while.

Take an action to remind yourself that you aren't helpless.

Find 'New Normal' Rituals

Create a new normal.

Get dressed, eat meals, move your body.

You probably can't do this in exactly the same way as you normally

would do it but having the rhythm and structure is soothing.

Resist the temptation to wallow without limits.

You are not on vacation or stuck in a formless void.

Mindfulness and presence are big gifts

you give yourself and you

don't need the permission of the coronavirus

to continue living.

You just need to be creative about how you continue to 

have sovereignty over your life.

Incorporate something that connects you to 

the Creator or Higher Power.

Prayer, meditation, yoga, breathing exercises.

Get outside.  

Spring is happening

and that has been especially soothing to me.

The birds and the bees don't give a damn about pandemic.

The cherry trees are in just on the cusp of doing their

most glorious dance and the redbuds are about 2 days behind.

If you live in a city with no access to nature, find a webcam at a park

or watch online gardening videos.

Schedule a pause.

Every day.

These are strange times friend.

What can you do today to keep living in them?

Lots.

We need you to show up

even when it's different and uncomfortable.

TRUST ME (LUNCH ON GOD)

Today I had lunch on God.

Or at least someone was invited to the same place and time as me by God.

There's a really long story and explanation for how I allowed that to happen 

but I'm not sure it will make sense without a little preamble.

I've been back in school since August of last year.

First a semester at Cornell to get a High Performance Leadership Certificate

and now with Raleigh Coaching Academy to learn how to 

professionally coach leaders from a place of authenticity.

As part of the second training, I spend quite a bit of time coaching and being coached.

We're working on format and technique but the topics 
we use to elucidate those are real topics.
Let me just pause and give this program a little plug:

Even if I never coach someone professionally again

the personal benefit of the constant coaching sessions alone

is worth the tuition and commitment.
I am becoming more authentic myself by practicing this technique.

Time and time again when I'm in going through coaching sessions as the client,

the thematic challenge I'm trying to avoid solving is my lack of trust in myself.
I don't have this lack of trust when I'm focused on everyone else's paper.
If I'm working with someone else,
including absolute strangers,
I have no trouble feeling for the thread of intuition
and then pulling it gently along.
It's only when I am focused on my path,
my truth, my needs or my wholeness that it becomes an issue.
I get a sort of stage fright when my work is on the line
and it stalls me until I have no where left to thrash about.

I want to know the whole story first,

I want to have all the money saved, all the kids launched into the world.

I want to be sure there's not a different ending I could choose,
a different hat that might feel more comfortable than my own.

If the path feels obvious and true for my next step,
I suddenly switch from a zen master to a master skeptic.

I poke and prod the directions, cross-check against everyone else's map 
and gather market data to be as certain as possible that my 
instinct and intuition is right.

I will eventually take the step that is mine and mine alone
but not without unnecessary suffering.

It's as if I feel I need to earn the trust through pain or discomfort.
Like it's not real if it I don't struggle for it.

What does life look like for someone who trusts herself?

It's not something that I understand apparently 
and as the boss of me, I find that unacceptable.

So I'm learning how to trust myself, for my own benefit, from the ground up.

First efforts on this lesson yielded really solid results.

 I've trusted that there will be a parking spot or a table when I need it.

Or that the new restaurant I'm going to will have food that will nourish my body.
Without fail, this has worked.
I trust, the universe delivers.
Parking spot opens up just as I come into the lot.
Restaurant has a seat right where I need to be.
These early successes made me brave.

This weekend, I was in coaching class for 3 solid days
 but had a challenging personal situation come up that caused me to sleep poorly.

On Saturday morning, I showed up to class frazzled, 
in my head and unable to focus.

Every doubt I ever had was seeping into my thoughts 
and my confidence was no where to be found.

During our lunch break, I cranked up my headphones and sang while 
walking around the busy brunch crowd of downtown Raleigh.
Yep.  It looked exactly like you imagine it did I'm sure.
Just another Karen, clomping around wailing along to music 
no one else can hear.

When I came to an intersection, 
I walked whichever way the cross-walk allowed, 
without worrying whether or not it was further or closer to my destination.

For an hour I danced with strangers who grooved good-naturedly to my singing, 
encountered fuzzy doggos and didn't worry about 
whether or not I was good enough.

At the exact time I was due back to class, 
I looked up at the door of the building-

rested, restored and beloved.

Out of my head and into my heart.

The afternoon session was holy.

I was able to show up, feel the path forward and expand my skills.

I started the day feeling one way and I changed my story.

By trusting myself to let go of control.

What in the holy hell?

So today, I decided to try it again.

Trust in myself, in the universe, in God-

to give me what I need and to show me the path to take.
After coaching weekends,

I like to process the information from class which usually involves

re-reading, sorting and framing my notes to solidify the experience.

I could have gone to my usual local coffee shop -or even an unusual local one.

There are at least 10 within 10 minutes that would suit the purpose.

But I decided to make room for possibility, to pause and see what came through.

And I ultimately decided to go to my hometown.

I remembered a cute little coffee shop from the last time I was here in October 

for my nephew's birthday party and I always enjoy the little downtown

more than the rest of my family does.

When I got here, I was greeted by this sign:

After about two hours of work, I decided to go grab lunch.

I wasn't quite sure where to go because Monday 

can be a sketchy day in the restaurant world.

When I came out of the coffee shop, there was a new sign beside the first one.

Which reminded me of a place I used to take my grandma 
on our monthly lunch excursions.

I thought I might feel a little bit of her if I popped in for some 

ham laced green beans or a couple of onion rings.
It's a place that is always overrun with locals at lunch
because the food is both good and cheap.

When I got there, the first lunch rush was done and 
almost all the tables were seated or needed busing.

I stood at the door with a bunch of people in a confusing jumble.
I was surveying the scene and trying to decide how to navigate the chaos-
so I asked a few people what they were doing.
Three people were in line to pay.

One guy was waiting for take-out.

The other guy said he was waiting on a one seater...
unless I wanted to share a booth?

I thought that would be ok...after all, he had a book and I had a book.

Worst case, we'd clam up and dig into our reading.

Except we didn't.

Meet Caspar-my blind date from God.

Caspar and I have been friends for years-without ever meeting before today.

The first personal thing Caspar told me was that he had just turned seventy.

I congratulated him on his nice round number and 
he proudly said that it takes courage to get old.

The next thing he said was that he always wonders 
about when you come to a T intersection and you could go either way.

You go left and you meet a person with a dog and then they become your best friend.

What would have happened if you went right?

And speaking of left, did you know his politics were left of Mother Teresa?

He became a democrat at 13 when they shot JFK.  

JFK seemed like a pretty good guy so if someone killed him to shut him up, 

maybe he was up to something good.

He said everything loudly with his teeth sitting somewhat haphazardly in his mouth.

I should say....almost everyone I know who lives in my hometown still 

have politics that lean just right of Rush Limbaugh
but Caspar was unconcerned that someone might feel unappreciated by him.

He wore an army hat covered in cat hair and a faded tie-dyed OBX t-shirt.

(He doesn't give a shit about the outer banks, just likes the tie-dye.)

Before we ordered I knew that he was born in Tennessee and moved to Iowa as a baby.

He's still mad at his family for taking him out of the south 

but he got back as soon as he could.

He landed in Chapel Hill looking for a buddy after the Vietnam war.

He didn't know his buddy's phone or address but 
Chapel Hill in the 70s was a small town.

He sat on a wall and talked to everyone who walked by until 

he found someone who knew his buddy.

He decided after a couple of hours with such friendly people that he'd like to stay.

Caspar came to lunch at this place on a whim today.

Except I know he came to eat lunch with me.

It took us three visits from the waitress to finally be ready to order.

When our food came, Caspar snatched up the ticket.

I said...I was going to treat you today!

He said...you young people are too slow.  I've got it.  

After all, I've just received some good fortune and I need to pay it forward.
I said I would pay it forward too and his face lit up 
like a teacher who's pupil just learned a hard lesson.
This happened again and again through lunch.

Caspar and I were both blessed with unconventional, outspoken grandparents.

He's visited all 50 states and lived in 15 of them.

He doesn't have children, 
at least he's pretty sure he doesn't because if he did, 

he thinks he'd sense them out in the world and 
he doesn't feel anyone connected in that way.

I told him about my recent ancestry results and
 that I was 100% viking sheepherder.

He snorted into his mashed potatoes and 
told me about a farmer's daughter he dated for a while 
who was a beautiful simpleton and whom he was glad 
he didn't have any potential kids with
(although it was apparently a close call).

He wanted to know about my kids and my husband-

who are they, what are they about.
He asked me insightful questions and remembered their names.

Neither of us understand why people make simple things so hard, 

or intentionally refuse to understand more complicated things.

He's a lifelong smoker who really wants to quit.

He's got a lot of cats and a girlfriend of 25 years who never needs
 to worry about him trying to control her so long as 
she doesn't start hollering at him if she's frustrated.

Right before we parted, he looked troubled for just a minute.
What was it I wanted to say.....OH I KNOW!
I've got one more gift for you!

You're a music lover right? 
Country music ok?

Look up this artist-she's a lovely girl and you're really going to like her.
She was on one of those shows a few years back.
You don't watch those?
Oh well, you didn't miss much.
Listen to these 3 songs. 
You took notes in that little computer thing right?
Those 3 songs.  Don't forget. 

You're going to need them.

I left my new friend with a high five because he's not really a hugger.

Got in my car, drove 5 blocks and pulled over sobbing.

What in the actual fuck?
Do you get a sense of it?
The pure rhythm and flow of our conversation?
The laughter and love that two strangers gave and received?
I cannot express adequately how up-ending this interaction was.
Because it was so totally fluid and great.
And because it was unplanned, uncontrolled and absurd.
I was checking to make sure he was there the whole time.
Making sure the waitress looked at him and talked to him.
Watching other patrons interact with him occasionally.
There was part of me that felt profoundly crazy-
maybe I was having a stroke or something.
I asked Caspar for a picture so I could introduce him to my husband.
By this point, Caspar wanted to talk to Kris too....
but since he was at work, a picture would have to do. 
You probably know by now that I was really taking the picture 
to prove that Caspar was real.
If Kris could see the picture, then at least I didn't make the whole thing up.

Look at what happens when you trust the magic to come through.

How could I have planned that?

What if I'd talked myself out of it?

What if I'd turned right instead of left?

What if I'd just stayed home because I had work to do?


Here's something I trust:

I met my Creator today.

In the crinkles of Caspar's eyes

and the giggles we shared.
In the messages all around.
In the flowers and the smiles of strangers
and in the work of my life.