I DON'T WANT TO START OVER (NEWSFLASH: I'M NOT)

If you're just now checking in, I feel that I should remind 

you that my word for 2022 is #quitting.

I get that word doesn't resonate with everyone

but I tend to place a high value on the subversive.

I am endlessly amused by things that challenge norms.

Especially if I've found something within me that is ingrained

in a way that isn't productive.

If I used a nicer word like 'evolve' or 'sustainable'

my brain would think this needed to be a gentle

tweak of the status quo.

What I need in 2022 is to rattle my bones a bit

and since I (like many of you)

have defined myself as 'not a quitter' for so long

this feels like the best way to confront myself.

I recently quit a job for a company that I'd

been employed by for 22 years.

I was employee number 10 or 11

at a small startup that was going to transform 

the way the agriculture industry

moved goods and services around the US.

We were going to use this new fangled thing called the internet

and we were going to be very disruptive.

Working for a startup was one of those experiences 

I didn't know I was looking for

until I was in the middle of it.  

I was hired to do one thing but since that thing wasn't very defined, 

it morphed into something

different within days.  

And then again.  

And again.

If something needed doing, I did it.

If I needed to learn something new, even better.

Finance, negotiating, sql queries, software testing, 

process management, mentoring, coaching-

over the years, 

the list of things that I never intended to learn

grew exponentially.

Cleaning out my office

I've had a host of people reach out to me in support.

I really appreciate knowing that you care about me

and it's not just because I follow the rules

and get good marks in the public assignment.

Some of your messages are so tender and affirming

I will carry with them forever

and probably still leak Holy Spirit from my eyeballs

thinking of them when I'm 80.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

There's been a interesting theme that's come up a time or two

that I think is worth unpacking here

because there seems to be some confusion.

I am not starting over.

This is not a telenovella so I did not develop a rare

kind of amnesia and forget who I am.

I still have access to all of my experiences

and learnings from my past.

I am no longer a bright young thing

whose skills only consist of a college degree

some charisma and a lot of energy.

I still have those things-they didn't disappear.

They are now augmented by a lot of other things

that I learned on the job or in the river of life.

I also have certifications in many of those disciplines

and a proven track record.

I've had some messes and mistakes-

that I learned from and then 

applied that learning.

Most importantly, I know myself and have data to support

the ideas that I think about my abilities.

I am highly adapatable and curious.

I am a leader but I am also a good teammate.

I have watched myself do hard things in the face of pressure

and still have integrity with my own values.

I also know what I am NOT good at-

the kinds of assignments or organizations

that will not bring out the best of my abilities.

I'm mature enough to understand what isn't

mine to do and feel excited when someone

who is talented in that arena shows off their abilities.

Goldfish art by my daughter.  Have you watched Ted Lasso yet?

I do not know what I will do professionally as I move forward

but all the skills I acquired over the years are still with me.

I didn't wake up like this-

I worked for every bit of this experience, 

I moved towards the professional I am now, and

the beginning of this journey was a loooong time ago now.

No one can take it from me without my consent.

I am not starting over.

I'm becoming more of who I already am

and I will build on the foundation

that already exists.

So for those of you who are telling yourself

some version of this:

I wish I could do what she did but 

I really don't want to start over.

I want to challenge that thinking a bit.

It's a lie.

Whether it's a job or a relationship

or a community-you're not a brand new baby

who isn't bringing something to bear for your next challenge.

It will certainly feel hard and you'll feel vulnerable.

That isn't the same as being brand new to the rodeo.

You aren't starting over-

you have everything to be successful

within you.

Already.

And what you don't have right now

you'll learn or experience in that next opportunity.

If something is calling to you

there are a lot of methods to evaluate the opportunity.

Thinking that you're starting over is a chain around your ankle,

a limiting belief, and it will almost never serve your best self.

Feel free to throw that idea in the trash.

Finally, I'd love to talk about this with you.

Whenever.

Forever.

In real life or the internet.

Transformation is holy work

and it benefits from a specific kind of community.

Reach out if you're struggling with this lie.

I can help.

NOTHING IS WASTED (NOTES FROM THE EDITORAL FLOOR)

The world is a lot right now.

I mean-the world has always been a lot-

maybe I'm just more aware of the profound fecundity

present in simple things right now.

In a time and place that seems to be insistent on scarcity

I keep being hit over the head with abundance.

Except with words.

I don't have a lot of words lately-

at least not the kind that hold my attention long enough

to be strung together into sentences.

There is so much to witness and process,

that I rarely feel that I've got something to add to the cacophony.

Or maybe it's all I can do to hang on myself.

Most days it's difficult to pull the tangle apart

well enough to understand my own perspective.

It feels nearly impossible to share any kind of insight.

Also, I am on the computer errr damn day from 7am until 7pm.

It's a zoom life right now and in spite of my blue-blockers

and my melatonin, I'm feeling more and more like a frantic monkey

stuck inside a space ship.

It's no secret that I'm often offended by the lies we tell ourselves-

so you won't be surprised that someone using words to hurt

themselves was the push that motivated me to come back to

the screen after hours.

Just so we're clear...I've used this same lie in the not to distant past.

I bet you have too.

I hope we all find the keys to freedom by connecting.

If I ever say something that causes you to shackle yourself

tighter with shame or heaviness-please reach out to me

so I can make amends and adjust my words.

I have a friend who is going through something hard

and she was talking about all the time she wasted

by bending and twisting herself into a situation that doesn't work.

She was full of self-judgement and shame.

She should have known (she said) that it wasn't a fit.

She should have called time earlier instead of doubling down.

She was in full blown crisis over all this wasted time

and she could not get past that to see anything else.

What a waste was said over and over.

While is is true that she spent a lot of time in a certain posture-

it is not true that the time was wasted.

Friends...NOTHING is wasted.

There are layers in this lie-

and that's part of why it's so powerful.

Sneaky lies are sometimes hardest to see.

I'm going to try and break down the layers

but it'll take a minute.

First of all-time is a human concept.

We made it up and we get to decide what it means.

We generally agree as modern humans on the hands

of the clock and how that time passes.

We've created international boundaries that

help orient the collective group so that we can 

efficiently do things together.

But a second is not a real thing.

It can't be held, tasted, or felt.

Some seconds seem to drag forever,

others fall like water through a sieve.

How can you waste something that doesn't exist?

Do you know how much time you have left on this plane?

How many minutes, seconds or hours are in your account?

What does it look like to fritter away time?

Are you throwing seconds in the trash by not experiencing them?

Who qualifies the proper use of time?  Do they wear a uniform?

Have a badge or an official second keeper?

Are there categories or gradients of time?  

Useful through wasteful?

Where does sleeping fall?  Reading fiction?  Laughing?

Snuggling a baby?  singing?

Does time increase in value that can be traded on some 

international exchange system?

The person who decides the value of your time is you.

You're choosing how to look at that concept every single time you think of it.

Here are some questions to consider:

What if you have exactly the right amount of time?

What if the time you have is more than enough?

What if all time you have is equal in value and that value is infinite?

Next, let's talk about experiences

and how those things get processed by your personal narrator.

I think we all have our share of choices we wish we didn't make

or roads we would have preferred to have avoided.

Or those things that happened to us that weren't 

a result of our own decision or active choice.

We start from an early age deciding that some 

things are positive and some are negative

and this is our first step into a fundamental human 

behavior:  story telling.

We live and breathe in story-using it 

to do incredible (and sometimes terrible) feats of magic.

Often our only novel is the story we tell

ourselves about our own life and our only audience is ourselves.

When something doesn't fit into a nice neat chapter

in that biography, we want to throw it out as part of a rough draft.

Here's the main problem with kicking out certain experiences:

you're in the middle of the story.

You can't actually see where this is going yet.

And that will forever be the answer as long as you're alive.

Trying to edit your story in real time means you're not living

the actual life in front of you.

This is why we go to therapy-because we get stuck

trying to take out chapters that hurt us or don't fit

so that we can actually move forward to new experiences.

A lot of what you learn in therapy is that you 

need to accept that chapter and stop trying to

sugar coat it into something that fits better or pretending

that it didn't exist at all.

What you tell yourself about the story is often

more important than the actual events that took place.

For those of us dealing with traumatic chapters, here are a few more thoughts:

Acceptance does not mean approval.

You are the author of your story-but you are not

the omniscient controller of events.  

When something terrible happens, you couldn't have changed it.

You can only change how you understand the event

and if you're trying to cut it out, you

are not allowing yourself to have the power that is actually yours.

Find a good therapist and work on yourself for as long as it takes.

That is not wasted time.

Rob Bell's new book is excellent

Finally, let's talk about how we assign value to experiences.

We each have an internal evaluation system

that starts assigning labels to experiences from the second

we are born.

And our brain builds from early, simplistic things

to more complicated or nuanced things.

'Food is good' grows into a preference

for certain vegetables over others.

But our overall life is not actually a linear experience.

What the baby version of you thought was

amazing will bore the adult version of you.

We are not all lamenting the wasted time

we spent pushing a walker as a toddler.

That's because we understand it was something

we needed during that time period.

We don't look at elementary children with disdain

when they become obsessed with power rangers

or Pokémon or certain book series.

We understand that's what is lighting up their brains

in this moment and we don't try to somehow make 

those preferences make sense in the life we project for them 

twenty years from now.

We allow them to find themselves and discard

items or ideas that don't serve them anymore.

Unfortunately, we call this childhood and stop allowing

it in ourselves at some point and that is a great mistake.

Play is as important in adults as it is in children-

it just may look a little different.

I want to be very explicit.

I'm not trying to subtly tell you that the things you experience

are all lessons that can be used.

I will tell you directly that there are LOTS of experiences

that turn out to be lessons that can be used or built on.

But not everything is a lesson sent here to teach you something

in an existential way.

Even if you manage to use it later, 

not everything will be understood by you in real time.

Most things are best viewed without the lens of judgement.

Somethings just are...or were.  But they were not wasted.

Nothing is wasted.

Everything is (or can be) holy.

Everything is (or can be) profane.

You get to decide.

Here are some other things that aren't wasted:

that long term relationship that didn't culminate in marriage or children

the years of marriage where neither of you honored or cherished

 that terrible fight you had with your brother just before he died

the years you spent hiding in alcohol or drugs

 that time binge watching Peaky Blinders with your half grown kids

 the carrots whose tops got eaten by bunnies 4 times in a row

the classes you took twenty years ago that don't apply to your career

the friendship that grew distant over time

the time spent trying to decide how you want to make money

the money you spent buying love or affirmation

the award you chased that didn't result in acceptance

the energy you spent hiding abuse from those that love you

the rage you feel inside when your father starts talking politics

the time spent worshipping at a church who doesn't think you're a whole person

the love you gave that wasn't returned

the love you that still fills your heart after the person has moved on

Nothing is wasted.

What would be on your list of wasted things?

Feel free to share the chapters you're trying to rewrite

so that the power they hold over the story can be reclaimed.

GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS (CREATING A NEW DANCE)

In case you don't know, 

we've all been socially distanced and under a stay at home order

in North Carolina for over a month.

I feel like this is some sort of cosmic practical joke.

It's like groundhog day, every day.

That part of my brain that loves to observe myself and collect data-

well that part is in overdrive.

My word for the year is practice.

I know I'm supposed to let the magic happen, 

use beginner's mind and let go of expectations for how 

the word will influence my behavior.

But I'm only human; I definitely have some expectations.

I'm pretty sure I thought focusing on practice was 

going to be a fun warm up with friends.

It was going to take some of the pressure off of my future goals,

let me focus on the mechanics instead of the overwhelm.

It was going to be easy-it's only practice after all.

Welcome to pandemic lockdown.
Where all I do is practice-
where today is everyday, anyday.
I have more than enough time to observe
and hone my technique on any front.
However, with all this time on my hands, 

I've realized that I've been practicing the wrong things.

I love to live in my head-

so I've been practicing overthinking and 

reinforcing my addiction to busy-ness.

Over-scheduling doesn't end just because we're in quarantine.

I've fallen into a ZOOM hole like Alice fell into the looking glass.

I get up, get dressed, put on makeup like armor-

and make sure my heart is comfortable 

in that tiny, padded room without windows or air.
I take great care in avoiding all the things
that generally might make me feel strong emotion.
Singing loudly-not happening.
Dancing-if you call it working out and 
I am covered in sweat by the end then-maybe?
Flowers?  Painting?  Building? Coaching?
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
I am only practicing things that fuel my mind.
The things that fuel my heart or my soul have been 
scheduled right out of existence.

Since I love to be my own lab rat,

I was able to recognize that this overly structured 
life without feeling wasn't working.
This lesson is hard fought ground
that still feels new to me.
Feelings need to be felt so I need to make space for them to come through.

So I thought...what if I scheduled time for feeling?

What if I have a specific time of day where I can

check in with the rest of my trinity (head, heart, body)

and make sure I'm tapping into the source of it all (the Creator).

That seems like a great idea right?

Within a few minutes I had another item on the schedule.
Every weekday morning at 8:30am.
Problem solved!  
Except.
It absolutely did not work.

Why not?

Card I drew the other day from 'The Soul's Journey' deck by James Van Praagh

Well, mostly is because I set it up to fail from the beginning.
Instead of thinking, when is the best time
of day to ALLOW space,
I decided to wedge in a time 
and try and FORCE myself to emote.
I didn't stop to think about what is happening at 8:30 am
or what I actually need for true connection.
I just checked the box.
This is a fine example of self-sabotage
by my over achiever in chief.

I tried to do this schedule for approximately 10 days.
It did not work on any single one of those days.
Not surprisingly, the damn of emotion broke
open during my coach training this weekend
which allowed me to really sit with this little nugget.

Here's the thing.
There is ZERO chance I'm going to connect with my heart
 at this time of day because connecting with GOD 
always has a risk of bringing tears and messiness.

By 8:30, my day of work zoom meetings is slated to begin any minute.

I've probably been to a my church's morning
prayer online that happens at 7:30.

This is a wonderful practice for gathering together and grounding as a community.
Some days, I roll out of bed and roll right into that prayer meeting.
Cool right?
How I never have to remember who I am or what I need?
How I can work so hard to convince myself that I'm a robot-
clunking from meeting to meeting or distraction to distraction
without ever once connecting with my own soul?
The world will literally rise up to meet me with
schedules and structure, needs and affirmations.
I can avoid and deflect and call it self-care
or connection or any other label.

Here's something else that I know, 
but that I can hide from everyone (including myself).

If I want to fully connect with GOD, 
with my own heart, with the messy...

then I need to do it before I remember who the world expects me to be.

I have to do it before I brush my teeth, 
before I put on makeup and nice clothes;

before I say good morning or receive a single hug.

I have to force myself to look internally

because external is always more compelling, more polished, or just plain easier.
Or I need to do it in the evening when I can take off all the masks,
put the to-do lists and dirty dishes to the side,
climb into my comfy pajamas and snuggle into bed.
Before or after the world gets to me
is my best chance to find that lifeline that connects me
with the ONE, the Creator, the Divine.

Prophecy in the survey lines for our impending patio

So I've been creative and come up with a new schedule.
I have structured in two opportunities to connect.
In the morning, before I rise.
And in the evening, after day is done.
I start with a meditation I've recently learned.
And I stay there until I'm done-
which for me means that I'm as certain as I can be
that I am whole, beloved and enough for today.
There have been days when I've missed church prayer-
which is exactly right.
I have to put on my own gas mask
if I want to give to anyone else.
There are days when I go to speak to God and I am immediately asleep.
This is also exactly right-
God says rest in me and I can.
That is really, really working for me AND
I reserve the right to change it if it stops.


What are the motions that you're going through?
What are the practices that fuel you?

LIE TO ME (I HAVE TO PLAY SMALL)

I am in the middle of a class taught by the incredible Laura McKowen.
The class is called 'A Bigger Yes' and 'is a program designed to claim, honor and devote yourself to your soul's deepest callings'. 
You can check it out here: (Yes)

Let me start by saying....I recommend this class highly.
It is worth every cent I paid to experience it.
Also...this class has caused me to feel a mixture 
of exhaustion and exasperation.
I am exhaustipated.

Each week has a specific focus and the class structure
 and assignments

lead me down a path sideways until....

 whammo!

The thing I've been avoiding or obscuring is right in front of me.
It's exactly what I wanted and needed-
and what I have unable to quite achieve on my own.

Last week, the class walked me right into this tried and true

 lie that I whisper to myself still:

I need to play small.

One of my homework exercises for the class focused on 'truth'.
There were a series of questions designed to focus me on who I am
so that I can discern what is 'true' about me.

Here's an example question:

What are you most known for?

My short hand answers:

speaking truth in uncomfortable situations 

for holding on in the face of impossible

driving through-crisis management

good food and crazy flowers

my ability to make something beautiful out of something terrible

There were several pages of these kinds of questions.
I am supposed to write responses out long hand-
no computer typing to get to these roots.
It is cathartic and interesting what that pen writes-
as if it is separate and distinct from me.
The exercise culminated in writing an obituary of sorts.  

If I stopped my life today, if I put a pin here and looked backwards, 
what would I claim as done?

I was told to describe what I've achieved using facts.

I was supposed to use the material from the previous 
questions to create this last step.

I didn't.

Not really.
Instead, I just plowed ahead on auto-pilot
and wrote up a brief summary of data about myself.
I included only things that a stranger could prove in quantifiable ways.

My name, birth date and place, 
parent's and children's names, 
 current place of residency,
schools I graduated from and
the work I've done as a professional that puts letters behind my name.

I mentioned my church and a few of my garden endeavors
 but they sounded like hobbies-

not the foundational calling of my life.
In this summary, not a reference could be found for 
writer, artist, or designer.

Not a peep about crisis management, mediation skills or mentoring.

Teaching and motivational work was erased.
I didn't even include my ability to do push-ups or 
how I finally ran 3 miles without stopping!

I left out lots and lots of of things that are a part of me 

and areas where I am undeniably talented.

When I answered the homework questions, 
I claimed a rainbow of strengths.

But when I was tasked with summing it up,

pulling it all together into a narrative....

I left it out or minimized those strengths,
whittling them down to a thin, uninteresting blip.

What the heck?

After a time of reflection (i.e.-a long, protracted argument in my head),
 I realized that this was my old friend,
the lie that says I'm supposed to play small and minimize my gifts.

Or else.

What is the 'or else' exactly?

It's a wiggly bugger....hard to pin down because 
 there are many issues in this mix for me:
socialization of women,
finding a sense of belonging by normalizing,
perfectionism and a fear of failure.
For today though, I'm going to focus on how I learned
not to get too big for my britches.
Not to shine too bright-

so I could leave some things for other people to be good at.

I don't think I am a narcissistic personality disorder sufferer
(although if I were, I doubt I'd recognize it).
Let me state for the record that I KNOW that I am terrible at many things.
Some things that I desperately wish I were good at
I am not.  And probably never will be.

Here's a short list of failings (feel free to leave more in comments):  
housekeeping, self-care, hand-eye coordination, small talk, 
controlling my face, patience, physics or electrical theory, 
most mechanical things, sitting up straight, focusing on just one thing, 
picking one part in three part harmony and sticking to it.

There are more. Many many more things.

However, I am above average at a lot of things.

Academics.

Art.

Leadership.

Bravery (and/or bossiness).

Drive and energy.

Plus I am pretty darn cute.

I got the message early on that being 
smart AND pretty AND creative was just a little too much.

I wouldn't fit into a box neatly.  

Pick one.

The world cannot handle all of you.

Slice some bits off so that people can be more comfortable around you.
So that you won't upstage people.
We need to find a single superlative that fits.
Do you want to be the smart one or the pretty one?
The artist or the scientist?
The lover or the fighter?
You cannot be all those things that you are...it makes the world cringe.
It limits the space for other people.
You'll be taking someone else's spot.
Pick one.

So I picked academics.

It seemed the one with the most longevity and diversity.

I am a well-rounded sponge when it comes to learning.

Math, science, literature, writing, languages -I soak them all up.
And with academics, I could work in some art for college aspirations.

I could hang my hat on this label for a good long while.

Whenever the other talents showed up,

I hid them under a bushel-utilizing them in secret 
to help further the public agenda of uber-nerd.

All through my teens and early twenties, 

Smart was my reason and my definition.

Accolades or rewards earned for being smart, I allowed to remain.

All others, I let fade out as inconsequential or part of the background.

This was an semi-successful strategy while in school but...

once my undergrad degree was up, it became apparent that
I needed a new box to fit into.

I originally thought I might become a college professor.
After some research, I realized that to make that happen....

I'd actually need to do some research.

Masters and Doctorate kind of research.

Egh....this is where my commitment to the box of academics
 started to crack a little.

Neither my generalized intelligence nor my disdain for hierarchy
lend themselves well to the halls of professional academia.
Did I mention I'm not patient either?

I joined the business world and haven't looked back.

Well...except that I keep trying to fit myself into a singular box.
One where I make sense to everyone else
and don't show off too much,
or claim too many diverse talents,
or over-shadow anyone who might need recognition more.
The thing is....it doesn't work.

I worked really hard to keep my gifts hidden.

And yet...they kept popping up like a scary clown.

It became harder and harder to ignore them-
and I finally decided to let myself go.
To give up-for the most part-
trying to slice off the bits that keep 
peaking around every corner.
They're just going to grow back anyway
like horns on a billy-goat.

When I let myself be ALL of myself-
no matter how much a jumbled mess it seems on paper-
something unique shows up.
Something that actually works all together
in a way that is necessary and right.
I do a ridiculous and varied cacophony of 
things that somehow makes sense to me.
I grow things, I eat things, I heal things.

I cultivate connection.
Writing, designing, learning and stretching,
joining discussion groups, searching for the DIVINE,
breaking my heart open every time it starts to feel too tight,
leaning into LOVE, protecting whenever I feel the call.

More homework from The Bigger Yes...A vision board of my path.

Jump back to that obituary though....

I thought I'd quit playing this game.

I thought I'd reclaimed these gifts.
I thought that I had reconciled with the fact that I
don't fit inside just one box.

Apparently, taking a class is enough to trip me 
right back into the trap of this lie.

Here's the most deeply exhaustipating part:

I may always be working to reclaim these gifts and 
to reframe my narrative.

To hack out the little bits of a lie that kept me playing small
 or dancing for the cheap seats

for years and years.
I may never 'fix' this lie in myself.
But I'll be damned if I don't keep trying.

The work of this life is learning in my bones
that I do not have to play small.

I do not have to be anyone other than who I am.
I do not have to make sense to anyone
and whatever gifts I have are all mine, all the time.

What are the ways you limit yourself?

Do you tell yourself you can't (when you know you could)?

Do you stay safe (because it's too risky to try something new)?

You just may need to get comfortable with disappointing some people.
And get ready to do stuff they told you wasn't possible.

Street art from a recent trip to Savannah.