UNEXPECTED HUES (THE SPECTRUM OF CULTIVATING CONNECTION)

"I don't think it's fair," she said.

I had just finished taking an older woman's order

and my mind scrambled for a second, reviewing her choices

to see what might not be 'fair'.

Two large coffees, one black, one beige.

Two blueberry scones, warmed up.

These choices seemed equitable 

 so I decided to risk the unpredictable

chaos people share with me when I'm serving in this capacity.

"What do you mean?"  I asked.

The woman's face flushed as she issued her greivance.

"Why does she get to sit outside in the sun, eyes glued to her computer?"

She gestured to the four tables outside the glass windows, 

each with a single customer,

three of whom were women.

Wait....wut?

I spend a LOT of hours in coffee shops.....

It was a gorgeous fall day, the summer humidity had just broken

and the sun was gentle instead of relentless.

We had the shop door open because

EVERYONE (including us)

wanted to share in the glory of the day.

I paused for a moment,  

trying to form a response that would line up with 

my mission and values....which left space 

for her to reiterate her complaint while managing to

STILL leave out quite a few important details.

"She's not even eating.  

She's just staring at her screen taking up a whole table outside."

At which point it became clear to me that 'fair' was 

a stand-in for something else.

She wanted me to bully some customers

around, run them out of their seats

so that she wouldn't have to interact with anyone

that she didn't know.

Luckily, I had come up with a response, even

if it was not the one she wanted me to have.

"It seems like you should make some friends.  Maybe ask to share a table?"

This was not the response this woman wanted

but medicine rarely tastes good.

pumpkin spice season makes y'all a little unhinged

 As a coach, I work hard to avoid scripting anything specific 

about the work a client will do during our time together.

Every person I work with is already whole, 

creative and uniquely capable to build their own future.

If I come to our relationship with preconceived notions or structured agendas,

then I can unintentionally give them the very real

impression that I don't trust them (so they shouldn't trust me).

That said, one of the most common things that a client 

struggles with is ultimately rooted in not understanding their own purpose.

What are they here to do?

What are the words that motivate them to rise above

their insecurities and keep going

or (and)

what are the words that keep them within the bounds

of their body, mind, or energy?

The remedy for this insecurity is often

crafting a personal mission statement 

and it's one of the most

rewarding (and frustrating) activities most clients

 (eventually) decide to take on.

cultivating connection to bend our story towards the light

is my personal mission statement.

It has supported my decision making process

for the past ten years in a variety of ways.

I weigh decisions based on alignment with this mission.

Small ones.

Big ones.

Silly ones.

Serious ones.

You get the picture right?

This is a key guideline for rightness in 

what I want this one wild and precious life to be.

Using this statement as a kind of sandbox

for testing my decisions has some unintended consequences.

By clarifying my lens, I end up seeing differently.

Seeing differently leads to action.

Action bears fruit.

And sometimes what I think I planted

is not what I end up harvesting.

It's often baffling.

My friend Jill made this for me years ago-isn't it amazing?

For instance, one of the side effects is that I 

intentionally seek to create connection and lift those around me

no matter how small the interaction.

In every environment and all kinds of weather.

Now, there are aspects to this focus that are very easy for me.

My brain has always stored information relationally.

I am very good at remembering names and faces,

birthdays, work history and nearest relations.

 I've rarely met a stranger I couldn't connect with

on some level, having all my shyness washed out in favor 

of survival as a young person.

I like people, like to understand them

and don't have judgement of them as my first move

even when they are behaving less than their best.

In fact, I probably like seeing them at less than their best

as a way of understanding who they are behind 

the masks we wear around in public.

But there are often unpredictable interactions

like the one I started this post with that 

can test my composure and quick thinking

when am not fully prepared to engage in the work cultivation takes.

About half the customers I see on any given day

are regulars-friends and neighbors I know well.

The other half are random people

who found themselves downtown and hungry who 

wind up there almost accidentally.

A few months ago, there was woman 

who just came from her friend's hospital bed,

looking for some warmth after spending the night in the ER.

Her friend was admitted with a mild stroke and was going to be fine.

But she was shaken and a little lost.

Lost enough to tell me about her friend while she drank her coffee.

And then restored enough to buy a latte for her friend's daughter to go.

Or the guy who was in town for business and had lunch with us two days in a row.

When I greeted him by name the second day,

he looked so shocked I thought I'd mis-remembered.

But it turns out, his job involves a lot of pretty negative interactions

(dissolving companies that have been acquired)

so if strangers know his name, it's usually because he had to tell them about the 

companies severance package.

He's not often greeted like a friend on one of these trips.

Or the large extended family visiting from Maine

who took up half the cafe one morning

the day after a mentally ill man shot dozens.

Shell-shocked and grieving on their vacation,

I listened while they praised the superlatives of

their home state, tried to make sense of the reality,

and let them know that I have been there.

Both to Maine and to the place

where your home state isn't fully

represented by the news coverage.

freedom demands freedom

And while these examples seem unusual,

they are actually pretty normal.

It's not that I'm doing anything special

(even though I AM trying to do my best).

It's that people are really really lonely.

Starved for anything remotely warm and real.

They are dying to be seen and to be known.

For someone to remember their name

or take care of them in a small, intentional way.

Our old sicknesses of racism, sexism, and shame

have been made worse by their friends facism, 

materialism, and fear.

Oppression is bad for all of us even though it tries to convince

those weilding the 'shoulds' differently.

And the third places we used to use for connection

-church, our front yards, or our extended families-

are broken open and apart right now in ways

that leave almost everyone floundering.

When I created this mission statement, 

I didn't understand that I would become a kind of 

EMT for lonely people.

I was imagining something easier,

less messy when I crafted these words.

Something that could be contained to working

hours or slots on my calendar.

I hope GOD gets a lot of giggles about how sure I am

that I know what I'm going to get when I set out to do something.

I know I do.

Found this on the wall of a coffee shop in Southern Pines recently.  Profound.

I'm glad I chose the words I did...

because cultivation is an ongoing,

active effort that invites but doesn't demand.

From me or from the people I interact with.

There are some people that I haven't been

able to build a bridge with, people so lost

or sick that I can't safely find a way to connect with them.

Like the woman who used to come into the coffee shop at least once a week

to yell at the baristas for getting her order wrong until they cried

(most of them are teenagers)

and then when she was asked to manage her emotions like an adult

wrote a 500 word negative review on yelp instead.

Or the half dozen middle aged men who walk a thin line

between interest and harrassment with their intrusive questions

and poorly veiled innuendos.

They are beyond my mission right now.

But I don't think they'll be outside of it forever.

We belong to each other.

All of us.

Even those of us who struggle to 

feel redeemable.

Even those of us who are so sick and lonely

and lost that they punch help in the face

when it shows up.

I won't be behind the counter at the coffee shop much longer.

I've just accepted a position with a non-profit

and I can't wait to see the ways my 

own personal mission statement evolves in that arena.

My BOSS is going to find new ways to put 

people on my calendar and I'm confident I'll feel surprised and

absurdly irritated and delighted all at once.

LESSONS ON CHOICE (LETTING MY ORCHIDS DIE)

My brain is a weird twist of bad science metaphors 

delivered to my conciousness in a fever dream.

I spend a lot of mental capacity trying to chase down these threads

and turn them into something useful but many of them just 

evaporate once I understand them.

A year ago, I started working with a Spiritual Director

and one of the 'fruits' of that connection is that

these ideas 'stick' better.

Our recent session started with discussing orchids.

She has a beautiful one in her new office that was really showing off

and she was understandably proud of it.

I shared that I have recently killed all my orchids and 

I am also proud of it.

Yep, you read that right.

I killed my orchids.

And I'm proud of it.

What?

Not my orchids....

I'm going to explain but before I go further,

I want to be clear.

If you are an orchid owner, if you delight in them

and choose to include them in your space,

I support that one thousand percent.

There are hundreds of varieties of orchids,

they grow all around the world in a lot of conditions.

They highlight the infinite creativity of the Creator

and how much GOD wants us to thrive,

even in conditions that are tough.

Nothing I say next should minimize that-ok?

A benefit of #quitting is I spend my time differently than I used to spend it.

Almost accidentally over the past year, I have managed

to cultivate a robust indoor garden.

I have cuttings in the windowsill,

clusters of old fashioned houseplants littered around every

room that I spend time in, and a running

list of botanical projects that means I spend several

minutes almost every day interacting with this indoor garden.

Now, if you know me at all, you know I have loved plants

my whole life and I've never had a season where I wasn't

growing something, tending to some green tinged space.

I *think* this is at Fairview Garden Center in Raleigh but I can't remember for sure

But if you're not a hort nerd, you might not

realize that I was barely cultivating this joy of mine

-choosing to focus my energy on outdoor efforts because

our modern spaces are NOT designed to support natural life.

Indoor heating dries out plants, air conditioning does the same

but often keeps them burning energy to buffer the chill.

And the light-good LORD the light is insufficient

for all but the most efficient photosynthesizers.

Our homes and offices are dark caves when we aren't present

and we put film on our windows to block out spectrums of light

that plants need.

It's pretty hard on us too if we're honest.

root cutting from a christmas cactus

Orchids though-

many of them can hack it inside our spaces.

These plants have evolved to thrive in conditions that are pretty

harsh and require them to pull moisture and nutrients from the air

with little direct sunlight while grasped onto the side of trees or rocks.

After living on a diet of air,

they produce a dramatically articulate bloom that 

lasts for weeks, sometimes months- a bright flag

waving on a stalk to attract a pollinator.

When the bloom is done, the plant will go back

to a haphazard mass of woody roots and waxy leaves-

unattractive by human standards but a smart use of resources

for a plant in such inhospitable environments.

Sometimes people throw them away after the bloom is spent,

trade them in for a new model that is already blooming

and avoiding the 'ugly stage' of 6-9 months before they 

have enough energy to send up another thin stalk topped with colorful flags.

We've had a few orchids in our garden over the years,

getting them to rebloom pretty often by ignoring them just right.

But last week, I noticed that both of the ones remaining

are on their last leg.

And I decided not to rehab them.

Can you spot the slmost dead orchid here?

In my current iteration, I'm actively working to create a life

that celebrates being nurtured and cared for.

A life that shines light on the black mold of shame.

That actively celebrates abundance, generosity, fulfillment.

I have made great strides in shedding many elements of diet culture

but I am nowhere near at peace with it.

The disordered relationship I have towards my health, my body, eating

and exercise may always be a challenge-an attitude

I have to cultivate actively because the passive protocol is so destructive.

And (for me) every time I look at an orchid, I am reminded

of how our culture has tried to convince me (and every other woman)

that we need to be the most glorious and beguiling

on the thinnest of margins.

How everyone else's joy and delight

is expressed most fully in our ability to bloom in spite of 

denying ourselves sustenance.

How we need to preserve this bloom for as long as possible

or we will be disposable since that's the only

benefit we bring to a space.

Brains are such bizarre things-it is obviously not the entire

Orchidaceae family's fault that I attach human meaning to their biology.

Orchids are truly glorious.

But for now, I don't want them to take up space in my physical

or mental garden.

I only want to see wild orchids, free 

in the environments where they can actually be pollinated

and have a chance to make something else

from all their courageous striving.

I let mine die-so that something new can take up that space.

Finally, I may cultivate orchids again-I may not.

There are no wrong choices really-

just decisions about what takes up space in your 

 (physical and mental) garden.

Since I get to make those choices,

I'm going to surround myself with reminders of the life

I intend to live, ruthlessly editing out anything that inhibits my own

ability to thrive and play.

What are you editing out or pulling into your life?

I'm leaning a little more towards joy every day.

My friend Melanie gave me this cute little ensemble

 

SEVERE REACTIONS (ELECTING TO RECALIBRATE)

 

I'm an external processor, a thinker-out-loud-er,

a person who digs in deep to the emotional pea that is interrupting my flow

and then talks (or writes about) it until I've made sure all my friends know

whatever I just uncovered.

Y'all already know this about me right?

While it may seem like I have great insight into myself

and the things that impact me,

the reality is that I'm still (and always will be)

figuring out new and embarassing things about myself.

Just a few weeks ago, I was answering questions about

my medical history in preparation for a minor procedure.

I told the nice person on the phone about my allergies to

several over the counter medicines.

He asked me to describe my reaction and then was dead silent.

"Wow" he said, followed by more silence.

"We're going to mark that as a severe reaction."

I'd like to say that I knew that paranoia, days without sleep and heart palpitations

were a severe reaction to a drug before he said those words.

But I didn't.

I kind of thought it was normal.

There is only one thing in this photo.  Life.

Why did I think it was normal?

The answer to that is layered but here are a few threads:

Because I'd lived through this reaction several times.

Because I didn't get hospitalized or have any negative consequences

outside of my own body and mind.

Because I had adapted behaviors and strategies

for ways to avoid this kind of reaction in most cases.

Because everyone else can handle these very common drugs.

Because it makes me a little weird.

Because I'm a human and therefor I can normalize any damn thing-

including feeling like I'm about to be attacked by an unknowable monster

in a drug induced panic.

Because some times I don't know how to evaluate something

 until someone helps me place it within a broader context.

Because I just decided it was fine.

I (unintentionally) calibrated this experience as something that was

'not-great' but also 'not as awful as other things'.

The value I assigned to this experience was inaccurate

according to the generally accepted definitions of mild, moderate or severe

that medical professionals use

but since I didn't have anyone outside of my head validating

my rating, I never questioned it.

Humanity's flexible approach to situations

is our super-power and our biggest achilles heal.

We decided (and continue to decide) how to assign meaning and value.

We are making it up as we go along.

And while we can do this activity alone,

when we do it together, the results are different.

Sometimes better, sometimes worse-but always MORE.

These little sample teas from David's Tea could be a whole short story

I'd like to tell you this is the only time this has happened but

I've honestly been recalibrating my understanding of 

'how things are' for most of my adult life.

There are lots of experiences that I originally

thought of as inconsequential or predictable

that I now know are traumatic, abusive or unhealthy.

There are things RIGHT NOW that I don't 

pay attention to because I think they're not that big a deal

but will absolutely be revealed to me as a problem.

Nothing highlights this more than politics.

Don't roll your eyes.  I know that you're thinking of 

US government dynamics and while I know the media shenanigans

are making you want to close your laptop and sage your house,

just hang with me a sec.

 Rob Bell has the best definition of politics I've ever heard:

"Politics is our shared life together"

For it to really be politics, we've got to be present with each

other.

Otherwise, we're just walking around inside our own head

and calibrating things according to our singular understanding.

There's a strong possibility that we don't have all the info in there.

And while I like to believe I can live on my own

without influence or support

that is just plainly false.

big quote from a little book, get it where you get books

And wow have I been wrong about our shared life together.

Ten years ago, I thought our country was well on the way to racial reconcilation.

Five years ago, I thought being mentally fit to hold the office of presidency

was a given requirement.

Three years ago, I watched thousands of people take actions

that they thought lined up with their patriotic duty

but pretty much match my definition of treason.

Back to the two sides of this coin though....

our biggest flaw is also a super-power when we understand

how it works.

I can change my mind, adjust to new information.

I can recalibrate my understanding and move forward

with a different perspective.

This means I can learn to like tomatoes,

you can learn about the real history of the police force,

and we can both make smarter choices when it comes to electing

officials to represent us.

In case you're not getting the full message here

this is an election year and local elections

have significantly more impact on you,

your life, taxes, and community

than federal elections.

If you live in my home state of NC,

our voting laws changed recently-

mostly because the good-ole-boys

are scared shitless that you'll figure out a way to 

cut off their supply of oppression.

Here are some great resources for you just in case you need them:

NC Voter Information

Rural Voters Making a Difference

Important Dates for NC 2023 Elections

Lookup Your Polling Place

We could recalibrate.

Learn something new.

Be something different.

Together.

ARGUMENTS WITH MY BOSS (WORKING FOR KINGDOM)

I was pulling a shift at the coffee shop a few months ago

and one of my best friends came in before she headed to 

her current gig in the corporate world.

I introduced my friend to the manager of the shop 

and the manager laughingly said

"Oh yeah.  I'm her boss!"

We all broke into a chuckle, lauging together

at the ridiculousness of it all 

because according to this world, the capitalistic ideals

and one of my varied paychecks, she's correct.

In the coffee shop, she has final say of processes and procedures,

has to deal with scheduling and is the escalation point for 

any customer needs.

According to the sarcastic, laughing tone

she was using when she was talking,

she knows that she's not my actual authority in anything

past the coffee shop and she's not trying to be.

(I have a whole other thought about the gender differences

between leaders that I need to ruminate on before trying to articulate it).

She's a lovely person, grace-filled, kind and capable.

I appreciate working with her, alongside her in this season.

But she is not really my boss.

the business end of an espresso machine

Have you ever known something 

so true and obvious that you don't think to say it out loud?

And it's not until someone says something that is clearly

counter to everything you understand

that you think...oh, I should say this part out loud

so that we can avoid this kind of misunderstanding later.

Most often, I have these kind of ephiphanies

while I'm coaching someone and it's about them 

and their misalignment.

But every now and then-

like that moment a few months ago-

I can hear the things that need clarifying 

within my own relationships or posture towards things in public.

The thing about these kinds of moments...

they can be profoundly formative but not always in ways

that lead to popularity or comfort.

Sometimes, clarifying your position might get you kicked

out of a place or a group that you lurked secretly within,

seemingly welcome and allowed.

Which is why so many times, we just let the thing pass,

let people think about us what they like, smug in the knowledge

that we know the truth.

That works.

Until it doesn't.

Sometimes, it's important for us to say the thing

that we know to be true or authentic

so that it doesn't become a weird little shame nugget.

I've tried to talk myself out of posting this online

for anyone to read and analyze but 

I need to come clean about something

that might get a little hectic with potential clients or employers

because while it's true for me,

and has been true for decades

it doesn't jive with how the world tells us to live.

an attempt at latte art (by me)

The thing is...GOD is my BOSS.

Don't ask me how I got the job-

I don't even remember the hiring process

so I'm not sure I could get out of it even if I wanted to quit.

It's not a cool kid gig and the pay...

well it's frankly shit.

We talk about it a lot, me and the boss.

There is a lot of swearing on my side

and an abundance of patience and laughter

from GOD's.

Nothing is more infuriating than having

someone laugh at you when you are resistent, angry

and just plain stubborn but my boss apparently feels

that this is the proper way to motivate me.

The fact that it's working is another point of contention

within our relationship.

Quite often, the energy and focus I expend resisting

what GOD wants me to do ends up convincing me that 

I need to do exactly what GOD told me to do in the first place.

attempt number two

Having GOD as a boss is frankly, kind of a bitch.

Not only is GOD infinitely creative but 

THEY leave most of the details around how to execute

my part in THEIR ideas completely and utterly up to me.

When I ask for guidance, I'm often just told

to wade in, one small step at a time with

my broken open heart on full display as if that isn't

the most terrifying action anyone can take.

All the training I've received is on the job

and no matter how much experience I have,

it always feels like I'm completely insufficient for the moment.

Also, we have some real differences in 

what it means to plan for an effective work day.

God puts people on my schedule willy-nilly,

ignoring what I had planned and disrupting 

my comfort in favor of an agenda I barely grasp.

Most of the time, God doesn't even let me know about the appointment.

Someone shows up in front of me at the coffee shop,

finds me on the internet,

or randomly says words to me during planned connection

that land in irritatingly prophetic ways.

I mean-couldn't I get the memo that the conversation

was going to be an important one?

Wouldn't it be better if I could prepare?

My only explanation is that God seems to be

relentless in the use of whatever I have on me in the moment.

Even when I do it wrong or poorly-God seems to be able to use my worst

to help someone else find their best.

I guess it's a good thing that I can't seem to get fired because 

while I'm good at a lot of things the world loves,

I'm barely competent at this job.

I'm can be lazy, argumentative and avoident.

I prefer to do things that pay me in money

even though they are never as rewarding or urgent as what my boss wants.

It's only in the past decade that I've actively decided

to focus on accomplishing some of the deeper work my boss wants

me to take up instead of just grabbing the low hanging fruit.

I thought maybe giving my boss a little more focus

would improve our relationship.

That maybe THEY would back off a bit

and appreciate that I'm finally owning my place in the company,

maturing a little bit as a junior associate.

It hasn't worked out like that though.

We still argue A LOT.

There are things that I know my boss cares about 

that I would prefer to ignore.

My timeline on when I'll get to 

a few of those late night memos is never.

I know GOD uses 'read receipts' on these memos,

I know GOD knows that I hear the message

and I spew 'can'ts' and 'won'ts' in GOD's direction regularly.

Still...some of the memos I thought I'd never actually

act on have proven to be the greatest,

most beautiful assignments I've ever had.

Staying -married, at the table, in the conversation, or with the complicated

Quitting -alcohol, jobs, diet-culture, people-pleasing, driving other people's lives

Refusing -to go along with the easy narrative, the trite labels, or the lies that chip away at authenticity one slice at a time

cup art by a sweet coworker

Which is why I keep at it.

There's a still small voice inside of my soul

that speaks to me with relentless insistence

about a whole host of tasks and opportunities and beautiful

possibility of what WE could be if I just do my damn job.

And of course, all the other employees did theirs too.

I'm not all-in for the church.

I AM all in for us though-

wherever two or more are gathered

I'm open to the fact that my boss sent me and might have sent you.

There is enough work to do in the name of LOVE

and I'll use all the tools available to build a place here on earth

that includes all of the love, acceptance and grace that

exists in the heavens.

Arguing and grumbling and wrestling with my boss the whole way.

If you want to give me feedback,

wrestle around about it in real life

I'm down.

In fact, I'm positive my boss will put you on my calendar

if this is a conversation we need to have.

If you'd rather schedule it yourself, drop me a line.

📷 by my daughter...