Q: HOW SHOULD GRIEF FEEL? A: HOWEVER IT DOES

It's been a tough run for the past few days.  

For every person who has said a prayer, reached out to offer their kind words

I want to make sure that I say thank you.

This is the one time where thoughts and prayers have actually 

been all that I want from anyone.

And for the most part,

I want to know that you're saying them or having

them about me but I've got enough of my own

thoughts and prayers running around the inside of my head

that I can't really process someone else's.

So for all of you who wished me and mine well,

here's a heart felt thank you from me.

As ya'll know, I work extra hard to bring 

bullshit into the light and I can't breathe

when I'm drowning in fake narratives.

The only path to sobreity (emotional, physical, chemical)

I have found is that I constantly work to recognize

 the thing we can't talk about

and then talk about it until I feel satisfied that it won't easily

slink back into the slimy darkness and fester.

I am a lot of fun at parties if that's not clear already.

One of the things I've been repeatedly reminded of this week

is how important it can be for well-intentioned, loving people

to tell someone who is grieving how that person should or will feel.

Here are some snippets from the past few weeks

Oh my gosh.  You must feel terrible.

That's just awful.  You have got to be so upset.

I can't imagine what you're going through-it's a nightmare.

I have learned to just say thank you to basically every single

thing that people want to hand me right now in regards

to my brother's death and let it roll off.

I know that everyone means well

and I try to receive the words in the spirit that they are meant.

It's been tough though.

In the interest of calling out the things that

are shame-filled I need to spend just a sec on this topic.

We are allowed to feel all the feelings.

We don't need to control them

or segregate them into good or bad feelings.

The amount and variety and depth of the feelings that I have about my brother

cannot possibly be limited to just the fearful or sad ones.

I feel rage, longing, futility, frustration, overwhelm, exhaustion,

impotence, resentment, shame, ...the list is long.

Since my brother was in a relationship with addiction his entire life

I have been carrying all of these complex feelings about him

for many many years-multiple decades.

When I learned about his death, I experienced some new ones

that I hadn't felt in years in relation to him.

Relief.

Acceptance.

And I was able to pull out some of the softer ones that haven't been

particularly useful over the past few years of his life.

Tenderness.

Sadness.

I tried to tell a few people about these other emotions-

the ones that aren't socially acceptable in the face of death.

And I was SHUT DOWN HARD.

Apparently, I'm not supposed to feel those things

or if I do, I'm supposed to keep them to myself.

There's a collective narrative that we're all supposed 

to have in the face of death

particularly violent death and me speaking out about it

wasn't part of the script.

I think this is particularly important to understand

if you have addicts or sober people in your family or friends.

I haven't wanted to drink in years now

but every time someone told me how to feel, I remembered 

how nice it was to take a sip instead of 

arguing with people who don't see me.

I'm glad to recognize the pull to numb away when there isn't space

but I also keep thinking about my brother and the times when I 

was well-intentioned but couldn't hold space

for his reality, his feelings, his struggles.

It's a kind of violence that is socially acceptable

to negate how someone is feeling

or to take their truth and forcefully replace it 

with one that feels more palatable.

Grief has no script.

It is different for every person and is 

often layered and multi-faceted and 

in many ways, grief is a living organism

that is untameable.

So, I thought I'd just pop in to say-

you are allowed to feel how you feel.

It's all good.

It's all allowed and needs to be welcomed.

There's no reason to judge your own emotions

or those of anyone else.

There's no reason to run away from them

and it's futile to try and hide them because they'll 

just turn up again when you least expect them.