A side effect of a childhood filled with near constant chaos is that I know how
to live through a lot of weird and disorienting crap.
I developed several coping mechanisms in my late adolescence
to help me waddle through situations that the fairytales didn't cover.
Today's tip has been particularly
helpful when my expectations
for how someone should act or behave
isn't lining up with how they're actually acting.
While I've used this little tip on and off for years,
in the past weeks I've heard it come out of my
mumbling, prayerful mouth at least 10 times a day.
Shock and grief have barrelled through my extended family
and friends and I find myself sending it to them
more often than I ever have before,
sometimes with swear words on the ends to give it
an extra push through the heavy mists of grief.
This little ditty has kept me from extra suffering
and from doing several meme-worthy acts for many years.
Accept what is.
It's is a short way to remind myself
to stop over-romanticizing about what should be
or could be and just accept the data around me as accurate.
I can feel your chuckle from here.
Who doesn't accept what is?
Fuzzy headed nincompoops or naive little babies
are the only people who don't accept what is.
You have to accept what is!
Living in a fantasy land is totally ridiculous!
I never do that!
Bless your heart.
Telling yourself that you never do this
is in itself a fantasy.
Unless of course you're not a human reading my words
in which case feel free to impart some of your own cultural
obeservations in the comments or my DMs.
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| On the wall at Cafe Diem, a great little coffee shop in PBO |
Humans constantly tell ourselves all kinds of underlying stories,
a kind of collective experience to be able to tolerate
the bullshit that happens whenever two or more of us are gathered.
Here's a non-familial example for you to examine for a sec
that might illustrate the most benign version of what I'm talking about.
In the US, we all drive on the right
side of the road and stop at the big red octagons at intersections.
If someone drove on the other
side of the street or failed to stop at the stop sign, we would agree they are
out of bounds, wrong, deserve to be fined and are acting dangerously.
This is a collective expectation of behavior that we've codified with law
and we reinforce with signs, infrastructure and consistent training.
If anyone argues that the car in the scenario above
wasn't on the wrong side of the road
we would cite witness testimony, video evidence and damage to other
people or things to convince the confused party.
If anyone still insisted, they would be considered crazy or dangerous.
We would be frustrated that they won't accept what is
in favor of a story that rejects the facts or the data.
However, when it comes to human relationships
we've got a different kind of dynamic going on in our western culture.
The closer or more intimate a relationship is supposed to be
the deeper the fantasy story is embedded in our psyche.
We have a collective understanding
of what makes up a family and the roles of each of the key members.
We also have a pretty robust outline of what kinds of feelings
each of those members have for each other based on their roles.
There are parents and grandparents,
children, aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings.
These are the main roles right?
We call anyone who has these roles 'family'
and then we make all kind of prouncements about
what someone with this role feels, does, owes the other labeled people.
It's universal! This connection is thicker than water.
Right?
I have a very large, very chaotic family and
when I was younger, I had a lot of suffering
because almost everyone in these roles inside my family
acted differently than I was taught to expect.
Sometimes the feelings and behavior and values of the people with these labels
lined up with what I was told the job description was.
But often, it didn't.
Wives who didn't respect or value their husbands.
Husbands who belittled or beat their wives.
Parents who neglected and abused their children.
Siblings who cheated, slandered, or actively worked against each other.
Grandparents who were neither wise nor measured.
Children who honored neither parent or themselves.
After several years of trying to reconcile the actual
humans in my life with how they were supposed to be
I gave up and decided to accept what is.
I quit trying to make the data match the story
and I accepted that the story might be wrong
or at the very least grossly over-simplified.
Parents don't always nurture and protect.
Women are not universally helpless, gentle or maternal.
Men are not universally aggressive, strong, or protective.
Deep emotions like trust, respect, and adoration are earned
with persistent action over time, not awarded blankly because of a title.
Everyone can make mistakes, some of them catastrophic, illegal
or seemingly unforgiveable.
Unfortunately, we're all human and that means we're all messy
in some fashion.
There are collective expectations that we don't fit into.
Accept what is.
This also means that we often get some things very, very twisted.
There are a lot of people who equate violence with love
in a gazillion ways.
For example, if you love your children
and your parents beat you
then beating your child means you love them.
This is a false equivalency.
You actually don't EVER need to spank, slap, beat,
belittle, shame, or hurt a child for them to learn discipline.
Discipline is self control and you can learn it from other people
who have self control in non-violent ways.
Growth is always uncomfortable but it doesn't have to be traumatic.
The fairytales make it more traumatic, not less.
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| The sun setting off the edge of the world at Ocracoke Island, NC (not a fantasy) |
Many people have a hard time separating these fairytales from reality
because to call the physical or emotional violence
they experienced by it's real name would threaten
their underlying role of the parent they love deeply.
This is really hard to communicate in a straight way.
To say it more clearly:
There are a lot of people that still think beating a child
is a loving act because their parent beat them and to question it
would threaten the fantasy they hold of their parent.
It would also threaten the fantasy role they hold of themselves as a child.
It may threaten the fantasy role of the parent that failed to protect them.
It may threaten the fantasy role they hold of themselves as a parent.
It's a mess to try and accept what is!
I recommend a therapist to help if you are struggling here.
It's one of their primary gifts to you-the holding of the feelings
while you navigate the complexity of your family.
You can choose to accept what is instead of pretending.
That doesn't mean that you're judging or rejecting
or blaming the human person in that role.
I mean, you may do that for a while but in my experience
it passes pretty quickly once you stop trying
to make the person fit into the fantasy.
It's much easier to forgive a real person for being human
and making mistakes
than to forgive a super-human fantasy
person who was supposed to be perfect.
I'm not saying this is easy.
It can be very painful-mostly because the story that everyone else
seems to share will never apply to the thing you're having to accept.
It is better though.
I notice that once I let go of my expectations
of how it is supposed to be, I can
create something different to take its place.
Acceptance relieves me of my anger at what should have been
and allows me to appreciate what is.
I've applied this to so many relationships over the years.
Professional, familial, friendships and religious affiliations.
When things get complicated, I find it really helpful
to break it down into facts and data
instead of archetypes, shoulds and expectations.
It is always uncomfortable but it has improved my quality of life
immensely.
Accept what is.
About your family member who is also an addict, mentally ill, or just a jerk.
About your child who is angry at you for your abuse of them.
About your own failures and imperfections.
About your boss who really sucks at some things.
About your friend who keeps trying to hand you that crap.
About your religious leader who is struggling with affirming GOD's creation.
About your political leader who is putting power over your interests.
There will still be suffering, but it will be clearer
and more accurately named.
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| A sweet note from my friend Elise with a few of her memories of Andy |
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