Did you grow up with a nickname?
Southerners are notorious for nicknames-
often bestowing multiple, unique nicknames on each family member
as a sign of affection, exasperation, a subtle warning or profound aggravation.
This blog theme is based on a nickname that my dad
(and only my dad) calls me still-
particularly when he would like me to do something for him.
I have a host of other nicknames that make me chuckle
or when yelled across a parking lot or sent via text
tell me exactly who is asking for my attention.
They're not always flattering but they usually
mirror some descriptor that I allow to lay against my soul.
Nicknames can seep into the real world in ways
that might seem innocuous at first;
what starts as a love tap can eventually land as a punch.
You may outgrow them or their references can hold you back.
For instance, you wouldn't want to introduce your brother to your
future in-laws as Tweety or Chunk;
you'd probably use the name on his driver's license
or a more socially accepted shortened version of that name.
Nicknames serve a purpose that can be fun
or connecting but what do you do when you've moved past them?
What about when they hurt you? Or say things about you that aren't true?
In my season of unpacking what I want to take forward
into new professional and personal challenges,
I'm evaluating some of the nicknames or labels that I've
managed to acquire over the past couple of decades.
Not surprisingly, I'm going to be #quitting some of them.
Here are some things that people have said about me
to my face over the past 20 years:
You're so tough-you never back down.
You're not afraid of anything or anyone.
Your composure never cracked when that guy
was screaming at you.
It's like you're made of steel or rubber Superwoman!
We need you to go in there and bash some egos so we can
get this mess sorted out.
You're a fighter.
A bulldog.
A warrior.
I'm sure people think the above words are compliments.
Or maybe a prayer over my spirit-
A wish for what I could be or could do.
It didn't really occur to me to question these nicknames
when my subconcious sucked them into my marrow.
I have used the metaphor of myself as a warrior often-
you can hear me use it recently in this podcast
where my spouse and I discuss the breakdown of our marriage.
On some level, I not only understood these labels
but approved the message.
I do have a large presence.
I am not uncomfortable with my own swagger.
I will speak truth to power sometimes
and if there is a goal that I believe in,
I can be quite driven and focused.
So I understand how these labels of an aggressor
with a purpose got lined up beside my name.
I also understand why I didn't feel particularly compelled to
correct that narrative in the moment.
It didn't feel TRUE to me but it also didn't feel like it mattered too much.
I could maybe borrow some of the capes or gauntlets
that went along with these images and use them as a cover.
These were terms of affection and endearment right?
In this holy season of reflection,
I am noticing how these particular labels allowed some pretty
toxic behavior to thrive in my life - particularly in the professional sphere.
If I'm a fighter, then I don't mind being hit.
I might even like it-who can say?
If I'm a warrior, then it's clear to everyone
that this is a battle and in the very least there will be pain.
If I step into the ring, then I deserve what happens in there.
I signed up for it.
But wait....did I?
It is accurate to say that I am skilled at dealing with difficult people
and that I can navigate conflict in tense situations.
Through hard work, therapy, training and a bit of luck,
I've been able to unwind some tricky negotiations.
I have always wanted to move my team, my family and myself
towards something more healthy or integrated
if we find ouselves out in left field.
that means I might have to say something direct or clear,
might have to correct inaccurate facts or
highlight some strategic system weaknesses
so that we can move in a better direction.
Not so I can be in a fight or a conflict with someone else-
but so that I can move past the conflict into something effective.
People are entitled to their experience of interactions with me.
They are reporting on what they see or how they
percieve my motivations through the lens of their own life.
When I spoke out or held my composure
was that a concious choice to be brave in spite of my fear
or was I completely unafraid?
Was it a fight or a conversation?
Were we solving a problem together or was one
of us trying
to score points in a different game?
Was I standing up to Goliath or clarifying a point?
Does every miscommunication or confused interaction mean
there's a fight or a conflict?
Can you see how these particular labels could get taken too far?
How I might be dehumanized in situations or
how people interacting with my nickname might feel at risk?
No one intended for it to be that way I'm sure.
That was absolutely the impact.
I do not consider myself a fighter.
Or a warrior.
Or a bulldog.
If I ever used it in a metaphor,
it wasn't intended as a motivation or a descriptor
of my actual self.
If I'm honest, I find those labels offensive and hurtful.
They ignore most of my towering strengths,
lie about my motivations,
diminish my humanity,
and have been used to justify other
people's immature, toxic, and abusive actions.
If it ever looked like I was impervious to pain
or disrespect from the outside,
I want you to understand that story is wildly inaccurate fiction.
Any bit of me that was willing to let these old nicknames hang around
is being regifted or having her phone privileges revoked.
If I ever was an accidental soldier, I am honorably discharged.
I will not be suiting up for another war
or hunting down people who have strayed outside the lines
or wading in to bash anyone's 'metaphorical' noggins.
Here are some labels that I will proudly claim:
healer
mediator
coach
connector
truth seeker
creator
leader
I will be using my life and energy to do the things I've
been focused on for years now.
Cultivating connection.
Bending our collective narrative towards the light.
Picking out the lies that get tumbled in with the holy
so that we can thrive, together.
There are no wars in my future-I'm a builder of peace.
There is no competition that justifies someone hitting me
or me taking shots at someone else.
If I ever bring that energy your way,
I wil beat my own sword into a shovel
and beg your forgiveness.
Any flyers that suggest there's a rumble
with me as a contestant are FAKE NEWS.
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| Statement socks can be found here |
Final note here: If you insist on that perception or that narrative then
I need to make it clear to you that we're not friends or even teammates.
My days of tolerating this nickname are over.
I've let people hit me too many times in the name of a fight
that I didn't ask to be invited to.
I hope we can work on some new language to connect us
but I'm ok with the consequences of my boundaries.
Want some more some EXTRA thoughts on labels and back handed compliments?
How about taking up your whole space?
Click on the colored words for some earlier posts.
Got some funny nicknames you want to share?
Want to tell me about a time you were mis-named and how it impacted you?
You know where to find me.
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