ONE THING AT A TIME-THRIVING AS A BASELINE

I started out this year by publicly saying I was intrigued with the idea of thriving.

That my intentions for the next round were to figure out how to move from a normal

that is based in survival thinking into one where I could flourish.

And I meant it-I really did.

But also....I was trying to double fist it; working on another 

big chewy goal that calls to me as well.

In true over-achiever mentality, I thought I could teach myself how to thrive

AND

beat the crap out of myself emotionally and physically by writing a book.

Isn't that some sort of balance?

Not surprisingly, it hasn't worked.

Writing a book is something important and on my horizon.

It's a book about marriage and how mine fell apart and came back together.

A book about modern fairy tales and dysfunction and healing-about saving yourself.

It's beautiful and I have spent hours drafting and dreaming and rewriting.

And stalling and running out of steam and restarting.

For every post that's published, there are 3 in process behind the scenes....

I don't know if you know this but writing anything personal takes the same toll as 

running while carrying your full body weight..

A blog post that's personal may take me 4-6 hours to write and 
that's generally after I've identified what I want to say.

I have to step away from the process more than once to breathe

 and realign my thoughts so I can edit it into something intelligible. 

When I'm done with a really tough topic, 

I swear I can feel the creases where I wrung out my own soul.

There's a feeling I get when I know I've strung the right words together that is euphoric.

It's the same feeling I get after a particularly heavy gym session.

I enjoy the process of writing, the challenge and I also 

use it as a tool to help me process things I might not otherwise understand.

It takes a lot of energy though and can be dangerous 
if I write when I'm not centered, well rested or nurtured.

In those times, what is left on the page is poor-
sometimes hurtful or immature, 

often too simplistic or not thought through.

The topic of my book is extra sensitive and doesn't just involve my feelings

or my experience-it's personal to more than just me.

Trying to write it right now feels like how I imagine it would feel 

to run a marathon when you've only trained as a sprinter.

You start out #feelincute and fall apart at mile 3 with ugly crying.

I tried so hard for several months to push both of these goals.

Then realized, I'm not making progress on either.

It was hard to decide which of them to put down

but in April, after much consternation, I put the book down.

I realized the hard way (the only way that I realize really anything)

that nothing effective can happen until I learn to get out of survival mode 

as the baseline that I always come back to.

My failed attempts to support myself long term have been self-reported for years now-

you can read about it here and here and here and especially here.

I am constantly working towards and failing at loving myself in the basic ways.

My normal was set during a time of chaos and extreme survival-over about two decades.

I think of basic self care as an indulgence or something that you practice short term.

I mean...I don't consciously think of it this way but if you look at my behavior, 

that is definitely the place I go back to when I'm not looking directly at it.

My scientific mind loves to look at data I've collected and then try to interpret it-

including when my subject is myself.

Here's my understanding of my ingrained patterns:

I can focus on basic self care for about 3 weeks in a row.

Then I slide inevitably into something less healthy for a good long slog-

using my natural energy to steamroll along to hit whatever target is in my sights.

About two months into the slog, I have a face plant of some kind.

Getting sick with something preventable or sleeping for an entire vacation

 are two of my favorite moves.

This is so dumb it hurts.

I go back to basics and practice what I think of as extreme self care.

(which is actually what most people call basic self care)

for about three weeks until I get distracted by something that will take me off track.

I never focus on it long enough to make it a habit.

My historical goal is to spin back up to tackle something else 

as fast as possible (usually over 3 weeks or so) and 

then burn all the reserves to nothing.

Rinse and repeat.

This pattern feels external to me but it's not-I do it to myself.

The past few months have been very enlightening.

I've listened to my triggers and watched my own behavior with a prolonged

intensity that feels pretty narcissistic and weird.

The single most important thing I've finally accepted is that 

I am the actual boss of myself

and I am tired of letting the 11 year old version of myself control anything anymore.

This is like most brilliant wisdom-simple but not easy.
That 11 year old version is a stubborn beast and she
nudges me hundred of times a day to rebel.
Always in ways that hurt me or the life I'm trying to build.
Always in ways that abdicate my own authority.

"This  doesn't count-you deserve it"
"You've been good all day, now do what you want"
"You're celebrating, live a little!"
These phrases apply to eating, staying up too late, 
avoiding basic prep that supports my life like laundry or cleaning.
They are not in alignment with my conscious life goals
but I'm not always conscious of the voice.
I have to move really slow and get quiet to hear it.
I have to start the day with intention and create new rituals 
so that when the nudges come, I can see I'm off path.

Here's the big shocker:

Focusing on only one goal is working.

No one is more surprised at this than me.

Since I've focused on thriving exclusively, I'm breaking the pattern.

I am shifting away from my normal into something new.

I am not on a diet or a regime.

Not eliminating anything specifically or avoiding or shaming myself with food.

But I am much more comfortable in my jeans
and the gluten free baked good extravaganza is not interesting any more.

I am not religiously following any exercise program but 

I am physically active most days-

running miles, lifting heavy weights, and listening when my body says not today.

My heart is lighter and my anxiety is way down.

I am laughing and being silly with my family and friends.

I have love and energy left some days so I don't start out on empty.
I start the day with prayer, gratitude, goals and morning pages.

Ya'll...I'm even flossing every day.

If that's not end times for the old regime

then I don't know what will signal it.

I feel good.

Like every damn day.

And there are some days where I just do the things

without having to refer to my checklists.

Where I actually listen to my body and my soul first

and then self-correct my course.

Here's a new insight:

Did you know that there isn't really a limit to feeling good?

Like, if you don't dump all your health out on the table you'll

be able to build on that strength and feel even better?

I didn't.

But I am learning that my ability for health and joy

hasn't actually been stretched very far previously.

The book is still in my future horizon.

It's work that takes a strong foundation though so it's dropped lower down.

I'll stay focused on thriving until it's a new normal.

I've got 5 more months in 2019 which may or may not be enough.

It will take as long as it takes.

Will it last?

It will.

How do I know?

I am the boss of me.

And it is intolerable to my boss that this ship isn't healthy 

and ready for big adventure.

I have plans that require me to be in fighting form.

So I'll put in the work to train so that I'm ready.

If you've got dreams and goals, by all means get after them.

If you're like me and marking time on your goals 
instead of making them happen-
maybe consider putting all of them down except one.

If you can focus on that one until it happens, the others become more possible.