SUMMER BREAK (A LESSON TO KEEP LEARNING)

My subconscious believes that summer is a time of

rest, peace and relaxation.

A time when I'll be able to kick back and ease off the throttle.

The kids will be out of school, our family will have more freedom 

and we will get centered.

My subconscious is an idiot.

Opportunities that are only available in summer
show up like a parade of presents from my fairy godmother.
So shiny and beautiful and overwhelming that I 
immediately say yes and start piling things onto my calendar.
I develop amnesia about the focus of my personal work
over the preceding months. 
Who needs to slow their yes?  Not this girl.
I can take it...hit me.

That is the face of my inner wisdom.

You already know this doesn't end well.

Predictably, I cannot keep up with the output.
The way summer breaks me starts out slow-
a slight constriction in time that
quickly escalates into an full breakdown. 
There is a point where I come to a complete halt.

For the second year in a row, I've stepped into July
and come to a dead stop.

Instead of doing one more thing, 

keeping one more thing spinning,

I am wedged forcefully into a place 

where I have to confront myself.

Rock...meet hard place.

It's rad.

Photo of my car after I literally hit a hard place this summer.

I know the steps to take now to get back to a place 
of health and recovery....and I take them.

I don't try to keep pushing through 

(at least not as long or as frantically as I used to)

and I've earned some serious lessons about self care 

that I don't f*ck around with anymore.

So...it is not particularly interesting that once again I am over-scheduled

and need to re-align my life so that I can function.

Been here before....realize it quicker and take steps to get out faster.
That is progress but it is not interesting.

What is interesting to me today is this:

There is no such thing as one and done.

The lessons that I need to learn,
will be learned slowly (and sometimes painfully)
one day at a time.

Over-scheduling my life is one of my foundational patterns.

Even knowing that I need to slow my schedule,

only work on things that are MINE, 
keep space in every day for rest and joy...
I still trip in this area.

I've written about it, talked about it, 
worked myself into a tizzy about it...

my go-to behavior is still the behavior 
I've been actually doing the longest-
not the behavior that I believe is best.
I know better...I want to do better...
but without serious focus and sweat, 
I do exactly what I have always done.

This is NOT failure.

This is being human.

My human brain is an expert at pattern recognition
and wants to provide the right pattern to me as quickly as possible.
It is always looking for the easiest, 
most efficient way to perform a task.
Once a pattern is recognized, a mental connection is formed.
If that pattern proves useful, then my brain 
will use it first before trying any other method.

That's me, shoveling my way through a pile...

Once something has been established as a pattern,

it can't be changed overnight.

Or at least...it won't likely be changed in a lasting way overnight.
Who's ever lost 20 pounds on a diet only to gain it all back?
Who's somehow dated the same personality
in every single relationship?
Who's said yes to one more opportunity to serve or lead
when what they need is a really good nap?
Probably every single one of us.
But definitely me.

Breaking patterns takes time and needs gradual, persistent reinforcement.

No matter how much better it will be to make that change
my brain will resist it until I've done that different thing
often enough for it to be as efficient as the other thing I've done for years.

Real change happens small steps at a time-

and for it to work, the small steps have to be successful.
I basically have to prove that the new way works
and that it works BETTER than the old way.

If the old way is toxic or something that I should NEVER do
that takes even longer because brains are hoarders.
If it was useful before, it might be useful again.
It's the frustrating piece of biology that has allowed us to
remain alive and kicking in many environments.
But also allows us to go over the same ground
again and again instead of charging bravely into new arenas.
New might be dangerous.
Let's use some of the old stuff we have lying around first.

Cold brew coffee with coconut milk is life.

Why does this matter?

Well...I'm a human who happens to be in relationship with lots of humans.

One of the things that can get really frustrating for me is how long it takes

for those OTHER humans to make real changes in their life

even after they have identified the changes they want to make or 

the aspects of their own patterns that aren't working for them.

It helps me tremendously to remember that making a choice to change
 a behavior or an attitude is step one in a journey of a thousand steps.
I struggle with the same things I struggled with last week.
I struggle less with the things I struggled with last year-
but I still struggle with them.
The choice to change means I've decided to go on a journey.
It doesn't mean that I have reached the destination.

That relative who struggles with addiction?

The friend who is in the same kind of dead-end job?

The couple who is always harping at each other?

The smoker?  Sugar-addicted?  Whiner?  
The person who was really sick (in spirit, in body, in mind)?

How about the passive aggressive?  The withdrawer?  The shame riddled?
We all deserve grace-but especially the people who are in the 
messy middle of trying to change a pattern.

So....give some grace to me for getting overscheduled (again).  I do.

And give some grace to yourself for whatever you KNOW 

needs to change in your own life

but you haven't been able to make it stick.

You will.

Keep going.