STOP SITTING ON YOURSELF

Have you ever been sat on by someone else?

If you have siblings, then it is likely that while you were growing up

you experienced this exact thing.

If you didn't experience this, go thank your parents 
or your sibling for being unnatural 

and then try to imagine yourself in this scenario.

Let's say your older brother is actually sitting on top of you.  

Not kind of leaning on you or smushing you into the couch corner.

He is perched on your back while you're flattened to the floor.

You can barely move and you can't stand up until he gets off.

He has zero intention of moving-maybe ever.

He is comfortable and happy, watching TV and 
using you as a cushion for his bony butt.

To your brother, this is the perfect order of things.

In your current position, 
you can't run around playing with his stuff

or raiding the kitchen.
You are stuck and that's ok by him.

Now...your brother is actually pretty awesome.

You love him, you want his acceptance and approval.

He makes you laugh and he occasionally shares comics and candy with you.

But being someone's cushion for any amount of time,

much less an entire Saturday morning cartoon rotation,

is NOT on your life plan.

What do you do next?

Do you lie there passively waiting for him to realize that he should stand up?

Do you tell him that he needs to get off of you or 

do you expect him to just know that he should move?

When your older sister walks by, do you say that you're stuck?

Or do you remain immobilized like a giant bug 
until he gets finished watching his favorite show?

Not bloody likely.  

There is almost zero chance that you patiently lie there waiting for

someone else to save you, quietly accepting your fate.

Most likely, you physically move your brother out of your way.

Maybe you attempt to throw your brother off with a cool ninja move.

Maybe you yell and scream until your sister comes to help.

Possibly you cry and wail at a level previously 
unknown that the human voice could achieve.
You do not take it.
You do not give it a more acceptable label.
Your brother is being a jerk and it needs to stop.
You know that it is not ok for someone to pin you in place
prohibiting you from moving.
Don't you?

It's a silly example but I think it applies interestingly.

As a child, there's no way you'd put up with this kind of behavior.

So why as an adult, is it so easy to use our loved ones as crutches or blockers

for why we can't change, grow, or heal?

This dog of mine sits on everyone....

One of the buzzy little currents that runs underneath

my entire life is this notion that a person I'm connected to

is somehow the limiting factor in my own growth.

I've come to think of this pattern as an intentional avoidance of personal responsibility

although it took me a very long time to be able to frame it that way.

In the moment (or years) where this behavior pattern is in full swing,

I talk a good game and sound like someone who is capable and in charge.

If anyone external to me notices that something is off,

it usually looks like I'm temporarily flattened and that I have a plan to adjust.

The adjustment plan is almost always future targeted and 

has some sort of dependency that is fictional but again...I hype it well.

The problem with my approach is it boils down to this:

I can't do X until that person does Y.

I can't live my life to it's fullest, focus on myself or my own needs,

until that other person takes a step in their 
own development or opens the door for me.

On the surface, this emotional math can appear to make sense.

There is a certain amount of dependency that is healthy 
even when relationships have good boundaries.

I want to be accepted and beloved by the people 
with whom I've entered into a relationship.

I want my friends and family to cheer me on or question my choices-

push back on me if I'm doing something unhealthy or dangerous.  

Where this starts to get twisted though is 

when the message I hear (usually coming from me) is that I can't

grow or evolve or heal because I'm in line...

waiting for the other person pave the way first.

A pretty healthy relationship on display...

I can describe so many areas where I allowed someone else to 'sit' on me.

Like that long season where I thought I would work on my own trauma

as soon as my husband had worked through his.

How could I focus on all the pain and anxiety that erupted when I looked at my life

when my own small nuclear family wasn't stable or healthy?

How could I work understand my own trauma,
free my own rage....when the person I shared my life and 
my home with was so self-destructive?

I HAD to focus on him...anyone else could see that.

HE was the weakest link, he was the problem,

he would somehow be the solution or the savior too.
As soon as he got a grip on his toxicity,
I could work on my own contributions to this swill.

Or the time where I had small children

who needed me and only me every waking moment.

How could I possibly relinquish one second of their care

to anyone else? 

I could focus on the lack of joy or creativity in my life after 
they were weaned, or potty-trained, or in school or off to college-
the timeline would get longer the more I tried to pin it down.

I could sleep or find my own self-care routine

sometime in the future, LATER...
after they were different or 

had become less dependent on me.

What I understand (minimally) now is that I participate in this behavior 

because I don't want to take on the burden that comes with my own power.

If I can point the finger of responsibility for the reason I am flattened

at someone else, then I don't have to accept that I wasn't my best, 

that I'm not perfect, that there is darkness and weakness 

alive and well within me right now.
If I can pretend that someone else is sitting on me,
then I don't have to stand up, walk away,
or change one thing.

Living life in the middle of struggle (Halloween 2017)

When my dad was sick last year, this old pattern of 
allowing someone to sit on me

came knocking on the door.

I was in the middle of my first Whole 30, another step on the path
to taking control of my health and my dad was dying.
I could easily have opened that door and allowed the grief
and anxiety to sit on me.  

I did not open the door.

I kept to the Whole 30.

I also kept to my pillars of self-care.

I kept space for myself and still managed to be creative,

to find joy and laughter.

I didn't let it sit on me.....because I am responsible for my life.
No matter what the people I love choose for themselves,
I still have an obligation to choose for myself.
Hitching a ride or pretending that they are sitting on me
IS NOT TRUE...no matter
how often I might say it to someone or try to convince myself it's possible.
I am responsible for myself.
I will live with the consequences of choosing to stand up
or choosing to lie down.
No one else can keep me stuck without my permission.

I don't want to leave the impression that I have this challenge solved.

It's not.

I want to say that one of the ways that I recognize 
this old friend is by remembering the signs.

Am I complaining about THEM and how SHE or HE
 is not allowing me to do something?

Am I imposing limitations that mean someone else besides
 me has the keys to my life?

It is surprising to me but the truth is...

I'm a grown ass person.

I often have to say to myself...this burden is yours sister.

Your own to solve or resolve.

You are not waiting on THEM.

You are waiting on YOU.
Stop sitting on yourself.

Taking care of me is my job.