What is left to say in this forum before I can flush this season?
I have written and rewritten over long years of swirling and sifting.
Erased the whole thing and then come back to start a fresh draft.
I have spent my rage and heartache in a thousand sprees-
sobbing through a sewer of lost understanding,
seeing old images in new frames as they float by.
You tipped the balance, spilt the milk,
stepped on a crack and broke my life's back.
Long flashy earrings sparkle-
they're good in a pinch
until they start to itch.
Eventually they end up in a drawer or a ditch
outmoded, outworn or split.
You might need a cream for that or a script.
Fake it so you can take it
is the ambition that you spit.
Outside the lines was your modus vivendi.
You bought other people's lives on stolen plastic.
Your fault or your responsibility?
Meaningless concepts to one so sick.
The wounds that led us all down this impossibility
so septic that any interest counted as destiny.
Jealousy and pettiness,
resentment and sneakiness,
smothering avarice steeped in lust
-it's all so unjust.
It's just...
apologies were never issued.
Does that mean that you're not sorry
or that formal closure requires censure?
Do you scuttle in shame or bloat with pride?
Are you capable of empathy or will you always
be consumed with tone deaf self sympathy?
Are you redeemed or reborn or just reused?
Should I be enraged?
Indignant?
Bemused?
I don't know if the hurricane shattered you or
buffered you into someone stronger.
I don't know if you bled out
or hid out or sprouted.
Did you learn to love yourself?
Did anything finally make you matter?
I don't know anything about you really.
Counterfeit people can't be cashed in for gold.
There is no decoder ring that will unlock the mystery.
It's past time to let you go.
What do I need to say to the person who you were then
so I can move through to now?
The heaves have subsided and I have found temperance.
Clarity with fragile impermanence and dimensional grace.
What I've been searching for all along-these words
that I've buried and shredded and taped back together.
Thank you for the lesson.
It was worth learning.
I've got me.
Finally.
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