Most weekday mornings, I get up an hour before the rest of my house.
I open my journal and write 5 things I'm grateful for and then
my goals for the next 10 years.
One of these goals says:
I listen to God and do what God tells me.
Today is the first morning that I've written these words in a week.
I've been afraid of what God would tell me.
My little church is affiliated with a denomination that just caused
a lot of harm by denying full inclusion to LGBTQ+ people.
Instead of welcoming all, serving, all, loving all...
the delegates to the conference decided we need to make sure that
the person leading the service is the right kind of sinner.
It's such a human perspective and behavior to
separate the good from the bad,
exclude the ones that make you a little nervous or
don't stay within the lines.
That's the human way.
It is not the God way-God says open up,
break your heart, get messy-whatever it takes to see
that you are ALL in.
The good news is that it is already decided-
we don't have to earn our place.
All the debt is already paid,
grace is given in GOD sized amounts
to all of God's people
(which is all the people).
This decision didn't come out of the blue-
the denomination has been struggling with just this thing since 1972.
The church created a special commission whose job was to discern
the path that would keep us united while moving through this specific issue.
We are an international body so what is simple can become complex.
I've been keenly aware of the storm brewing on the horizon
but since it was far away and remote-I tried not to pick at it.
Instead, I have been trying hard to lean into the love and friendship
that surrounds me with my little church family.
I've tried not to think about the possibility
that I will one day not be here in this place
and just enjoy being here now.
General conference rocked me though.
The injustice and pettiness should not surprise me-
we are all just human after all.
And yet..my heart cracked as hearts do when pushed past their limits.
I have been saying a lot of prayer this week
but I've kept the prayer channel one-sided.
Pushing my mess towards God but being deaf to what God wants to say back.
Here's a prayer I say when I am on the verge of exceeding my mandate:
It is not mine to get, it is God's to give.
It is God's to control, it is mine to receive.
I say it because I know my instinct is to control
instead of to relax.
I said this prayer a lot this week.
I just didn't relax enough to hear the response.
I didn't write down my goal for several days
and I definitely didn't try to listen to God.
I wanted to sit with the possibilities,
to imagine what I thought God would say to me.
One thing that God might say to me is:
It's time to move churches.
It's time to use your energy and gifts in a different community.
You've had a beautiful time with My little church
and now it's time to go back into the wilderness.
You were made to do hard things so go and do them.
Alone.
I am a warrior for God and I do what God tells me.
That is the authority I recognize and that alone.
Except....sometimes I go hiding in the bushes and try not to listen.
The thought of losing this community takes my breath
and makes my heart squeeze into a tiny little seed.
I have never experienced the kind of whole-hearted love and grace
the way I have experienced it through my current little church.
I showed up like an awkward, half-drowned rat
and have been treated as a beloved, precious daughter.
Which has allowed me to treat others as precious sons and daughters.
No one asked about the quality of my marriage,
whether I was worthy enough to use my gifts,
whether or not I was hearing God correctly.
Everyone just opened the door and let me get to work.
That is the work of the church-to offer healing love through
face to face relationship based on acceptance instead of judgement.
My little church gets that resoundingly right on most days.
I love each of us so much-even the ones that
I don't know well or wouldn't agree on politics with.
We show up for each other and there is so much magic
present in our simple acceptance of each other.
Thinking about going back into the wilderness,
moving through the world without a community of
other God warriors feels like death.
The tension within me kept scattering my thoughts like swallows chasing flies-
crash together, break apart, swirl this way and then wide swing that way.
I could not make myself get still.
And yet...I listen to God and do what God tells me to do.
Yesterday morning I realized that I wasn't writing these words.
And that it was a choice not to write them.
The awareness weighed on me all day.
Thursdays are a really busy day for me right now as
I'm leading a class in my little church.
I'm usually slamming right from work to church.
I need to get the room setup,
make sure I have notes and materials
and most importantly make sure I have time to pray before I lead.
As twilight landed, I bowed my head apologetically and met my Maker.
As I settled and submitted, a peace washed over me-
shoved into my heart really.
God was there, waiting for me to remember to be still.
The message was pretty clear.
Today is not the day that I need to change churches.
My little church is still the place for me to work
-in spite of the grief and the disagreement.
Maybe because of it.
This is still the right spot, the right time, the right place.
I still have no idea what the future holds...I never have.
It's is not mine to get, it is God's to give.
But...at least for today, I am to remain in the United Methodist Church.
There are hurting hearts to protect and I get to stay to help in their care.
I am so relieved.
And also...embarassed and ashamed at my irritating control-freak tendencies that make me want to check the numbers before I listen to the Spirit.
To all my LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters-
you are seen and heard and beloved by the people of the church.
The margin was slim that voted to keep you out.
I have never seen so many casserole toting grandmas
and easy-going golfers get so incensed over a point of clergy law.
They are growling and it is beautiful.
You are already IN.
That's the good news that we're hear to share
and no faceless entity will take that.
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