NEW YEAR, NEW YOU?

We're on day two of a new year.

Did you make a New Year's resolution?

If my social media feeds are anything to go by, 

resolutions seem to have become obsolete.

The trend now is to reflect on last year and 

set intentions for the coming year.

I'm glad there's a mind shift that is turning us away 

from the old school New Year's resolutions 

that always seemed to focus on becoming a brand new person.

A person who is thinner, richer, taller, sexier, kinder, 

more flexible, less stressed, more enlightened, more lovable....

all the superlatives associated with success.

They seemed to imply (sometimes outright) 

that the person that exists right now

is wholly insufficient.

Game over-start again.

As most people who created those old school resolutions can attest, 

it's not that easy to just become someone else overnight.  

My own journey of personal growth often requires me to take stock 

of where I am, where I want to head, 

and of course...where I've been.

Grrr....the past is the pits.

Sometimes the reminders of the past are simply embarrassments 

or areas where I lacked the perspective or 

the experience to make different choices.

Those reminders are easier to take responsibility for and grow through.

But the past is also filled with landmines-

 terrible events, trauma and grief-laden losses.

Things that were done to me

or things that I did that caused harm-

sometimes irreparably-

to someone else.

Those are harder to move through

because they are often filled with emotion

and require a different skill set than I learned growing up.

I have a history of boxing those moments up, 

shoving them in a dark corner of my soul 

and hoping that they never get the light of day again. 

(In case you're wondering, that's a good 

survival strategy but a poor life strategy.)

Finally bought my own copy of salt. by nayyirah waheed

My experiences are with me,

whether I want them or not.

I don't get amnesia to start over at ground zero-

no matter what the plot lines of 80's TV shows led me to expect.

My past is part of me and I'll always need to make peace with it.

All of it.

Even the bits that are dripping with shame and anxiety.

Even the bits that mean I'm not all pretty, perfect, kind or brave.

No amount of ignoring it or hiding it away 

will result in a healthy, complete life.

Vestiges of toddler life.....aren't these charming? I was clearly telegraphing a message...

My relationship with my past reminds me 

of a 'fun' parenting experience.

Have you ever had to carry a screaming, 

kicking toddler out of a public venue?

You know...the pre-nap, over-tired and over-sugared 

monster throw down?

I have done it many times...with my children

siblings, nieces and nephews.

It's a normal development stage and a right of passage.

The struggle of trying to 

balance 40 pounds of ego and emotion

while taking myself quickly towards an 

exit is the stuff of physical comedy. 

I'm sure I look like I am juggling an angry monkey 

as the toddler writhes and kicks up and down my body

while I catch him (or her) in their twists and turns

to keep them from violently slamming into the floor or wall.

Up and down, screaming and catterwalling 

incoherent jabberings-

a vision of a being possessed.

The whole time....I am trying to show the world 

a face of serene authority-

Isn't this cute?  He's a darling-just tired.

I don't know what got into her!  Too much excitement!

No matter how easy I try to make it look, 

hauling that insane kid to safety is

physically exhausting and emotionally draining.

It became 'new normal' for a while when my kids were little

 but it is never easy.

My relationship with my past experiences can 

be just like the kicking, screaming toddler.

Trauma that I don't want to accept can take all my energy

while I lug it around pretending that everything is great.

I can get triggered in the most unlikely places

and wind up trying to keep it together until I get somewhere safe.

My outside face will (usually) manage me through those

situations because I've learned to put on masks but...

as long as I keep trotting through life

without integrating it...without growing it up....

I will be that exhausted adult.

In 2015, I began a looong journey of making peace

and learning to coexist with my past.

I started hashing out some of it here in this forum.

So far it feels a lot like mothering toddlers felt-

only this time I'm mothering myself.

I have learned to give the past a sense of safety and security.

No one can hurt me in that way anymore-

I can take care of myself and 

I will continue to prove that to myself.

I've also given my past rest and understanding.....

I can sit a good long time with the past and 

hold space that allows my 

feelings to exist and exhaust themselves.

I can feel all my feelings.

I've learned the beauty of boundaries-.

my trauma doesn't get to run the show anymore.

The Universe is magical.... ringside view for a mini-concert view at NYE Avett Show.

This year started with a big bang with my favorite band 

and included my favorite people.

My plans for 2018 include some exciting 

opportunities for growth and expansion.

I fueled myself with love and intention from the start-

and I intend to keep going that direction.

I also plan to keep leaning into this life-

looking for the places where I'm 

ignoring what is really going on (aka-a toddler tantrum)

and spend as much time as necessary 

to allow healing in that area. 

Each experience-no matter how hard-

has opened up my heart in a way that is ultimately beautiful

and prepares me for what is next.

I have subjects I want to explore more fully 

in writing and in art,

 and causes that are close to my heart 

that I will be supporting in a fully present way.

And finally....I don't have to know all the answers anymore.

The full path is not mine to know before the next step....

what is next for me will always show up exactly when it is meant to show up.

As my pastor said this weekend...

If God calls you to something, the deck is always stacked.

I just need to keep the line open so I can hear the call.

I don't need to be a new person

or have amnesia about what has happened in my life.

I am embracing the one that I have-

loving myself home.

Chard and pansies-twin beauties of winter.