You know what I'm talking about but just for kicks, let me jog your memory:
- That time when you were thinner, prettier, healthier.
- That time where you felt like you were enough.
- That one special moment of clarity or insight.
- That time where you were right (or righteous).
- That time where you solved everyone's problems.
- That time where it all worked out just like it's supposed to.
- Happily ever after.
- Good triumphed over evil.
A while back there was a story going around on facebook or elephant journal or somewhere about life being a river. It's a buddhist or some similarly enlightened perspective that explains you can never touch the same spot in a river twice....the river has already moved on. This metaphor really resonates with me when I need to understand that I'm doing it again. Looking behind me at what was.
I can't quite think of what is safe, kind or acceptable to post on the subject of my past year. The life I thought I had, the person I thought I was, my likes and dislikes-have all fallen away in an incredible shit storm of destruction. My life ended-at least what I thought was my life. And just like all life, once that incarnation ended...something new started.
G describes it as Brutiful. It was BRUTAL. It was beautiful. Like forest fires burning down on the mountain. Like stars exploding as they pass through our atmosphere. Like a Tsunami bearing down on you.
It was so hard and awful, there were points during last year where I could not believe I was still actually alive-respirating and completing cell division like a good little multi-cellular organism. Then I would start sobbing or shaking or raging and I would remember-Oh yes, I am very much still alive.
And somewhere in those ashes, something amazing and mundane started to happen. I began to grow and be reborn in ways that I could not have handled in my old life. With my old ideas of myself.
I can read through my old blog posts and find snippets of the real me trying to peek out. I can see now that the playlist was written all along and the next act was coming. But I wasn't quite ready to take the step. The step that would end my comfortable, suffocating existence as a people pleasing over-achiever. That step that would call into question the fairy-tale I was trying so desperately to tap dance along with. So, someone else did that for me. I had been dancing on the edge of a giant cliff for my entire adult life. And someone finally threw me over it.
For the first time in a long time....I am listening to my heart and making decisions that further my own growth. I am breaking my own heart open in an effort to keep swimming in the river. I am working hard to sit in kindness and love.
Maybe this will be a place where I can work out my heart through writing. Or maybe it's time for this blog to pass away too. Time will tell. Until then.