NEGATIVE FEEDBACK LOOPS-A RECIPE

On the mat...Stretch into the new year...

Negative feedback sounds like:

I needed you and you weren't there.

You are not kind or smart or your best self right now.

You are ignoring a truth in favor of a comforting lie.

You are failing to empathize or see the bigger picture.

You could have said that differently.

You had a choice-and you chose poorly.

You don't belong there.

I don't like you.

You suck.

You hurt me.

You left me.

It's inevitable that I hear things about myself that I don't want to hear.

And in spite of all the positions I will put myself into

in order to avoid negative feedback-

there is no realistic way to avoid it forever.

So I'm touching on a strategy to make feedback 

as normal and healthy as I understand it can be.

Target just gets me.

Recipe for Negative Feedback

I. Filter 

Not everyone gets a say in how I move through this life.

That is the beauty of boundaries.

It is inevitable that I will not make everyone happy.

I am not pizza.

I only take feedback from the people who've earned the right to give it.

I cannot worry about the faceless THEY.

Read Brene's work about the critic in the arena

 if you need to understand this better

but I'm only interested in the voice of those in the arena.

Haters gonna hate...they can keep hating.

People who are not a part of my life

or who haven't shown up

don't get to provide feedback.

II.  Suspend Action

Every time I've regretted something, 

it's because I didn't pause first.

My emotions can lead me by the nose into 

something less kind or less whole.

For just a little bit, I put the feelings on a shelf.  

It's important to note that this is temporary.

A few minutes or an hour.

This is a means to an end-

not a final resting place.

III.  Clarify

During that little bit of time where action is officially suspended, 

I make sure I understand the feedback.  

I try to be curious and ask clarifying questions.

Try to sense if I'm jumping to conclusions, 

getting triggered by past trauma,

or erroneously filling in blanks that weren't actually said.

Clarity is surprisingly hard to get but invaluable.

I take the time to make sure I have it right.

IV. Feel All the Feelings

Now is the time to let it out.

Sit with the feedback.  

Get alone and get centered.

The negative feelings but also the positive ones.

Process through the feedback.

I always assume there is truth in what the other person said

(which is the value in only taking feedback from people that matter)

I try to see it.

It often hurts

or introduces me to a less

flattering reflection of myself.

V.Act

I AM THE THINGS I DO 

(no matter my intentions, feelings, damage, childhood trauma, etc).

If I smack back, can't hold onto my own emotions, or trade in spite

then I am an abuser at worst or a weakling at best.

I am just passing on the pain so someone else can deal with it.

It is very important to the person that I am

that my actions reflect my intention.

I have options when I allow the process to happen.

I may change my behavior.

I may apologize.

I may decide to try and enter into a more protracted dialogue.

The point is...I am choosing to act.

Not reacting in the moment.

One of my many attempts to reclaim Christmas

Here's a real life example with some backstory:

Every year my extended family does a gift exchange.

During our Thanksgiving get together, 

the adults scribble their names onto little slips of paper 

along with 3 possible gift ideas.

We put them into a basket and then draw one-by-one.

Full disclosure:

There are lots of social norms that I find confusing or that just don't make sense to me.  

I  spent a lot of years not having a voice or a say in what happened to me.  

Years being unsure of where I belonged and experiencing trauma 

that most of my extended family either doesn't talk about or doesn't know about.  

I try my best to be kind and my intention is to be compassionate-

but I can be inadvertently, unintentionally, selfish or self-centered

-particularly when I'm in a situation that has caused me pain in the past.  

Christmas is one of these situations. 

In addition, I am a challenging gift receiver.

I tend to long for seemingly simple items that are unique and special-

and then struggle to communicate what I mean.  

If I say I want socks, what I really mean is I want a specific pair of socks

 I saw while on vacation at that adorable little shop that 

does not have an online presence.  

I understand that this is my problem...I've been working on it. 

In general, the things that I want around me are things that remind me 

of people or experiences-touchstones.  

I don't tend to want things that you can buy in stores 

(and I'm lucky enough to be able to buy them for myself if I do).

My favorite presents are mixed CD's, 

homemade items, time with someone, a shared meal.

The things that keep me up at night are the 

people who have nothing (and need it but don't have anyone to ask).

How much I have and how many have not.

For a few years, I muddled through trying to think of something 

that was useful, beautiful, easy to find and easy to write down 

in 20 minutes while trying to wrangle my kids into eating a 

meal that consisted of more than 6 kinds of pie.

About three years ago, I settled on what I thought was the perfect wish list.

I asked for a donation to a charity of the giver's choice 

and that they would just tell me about what they decided to do.

Perfect.

They get to help someone who needs it 

and I get to hear about something that jazzes them up.

The first year was a success...

my dad drew my name and created the most adorable handout

telling me what he did to help someone else.  

It was really awesome and is something I will cherish forever.

I thought I had cracked the code-

this is how I could reclaim some Christmas spirit!

So the next year I did the same thing.

And the next (and my husband started doing it too).

Until this year....when the family member who drew my name BRAVELY 

reached out to me to say that there might be something I needed to hear.

She did her best to speak in love and to speak directly to me.

She let me know that my request could imply that my family 

wasn't open-hearted or charitable on their own.

That by asking for a donation instead of a gift, 

I was robbing my family of the opportunity to give me 

something that was personally special.

Basically, that I missing some of the point.

At least from her perspective.

Semi-ironic pep talk visual from my table runner

This was not particularly easy for me to receive.

Again...I am a bad gift receiver.

As I sat and stared at the screen..... 

my first reaction was indignation, hurt and anger.

All the shame emotions washed over me.

It always sucks to be misunderstood-

or to at least think that you're misunderstood.

I had a nice cry and sat with all my emotions.

It cleared the air enough for me to respond.

We had a good discussion and came to more of an understanding.

There was some truth in there that I appreciated hearing.

She's not all the way right

but she wasn't all the way wrong either.

Ultimately, she decided to give me

a lovely homemade afghan for Christmas

and to tell the family about her work with rescuing dogs in 2017.

I cherish the blanket and can really feel the love 

when it is wrapped around me on cold nights.

Her feedback allowed me to uncover some areas in my heart.

I have taken her thoughts into consideration 

but I haven't decided what I'll do next year.

I may still may continue to ask for a donation.

Having her feedback may change my word choice or I may give more options.

I may change to something new altogether.

I may ask for a lunch date with my family member-

time together that is NOT around a holiday that has too much baggage.

I will not be asking for a hard good or something easily bought in a store.

My point is..I am better for the feedback 

and it's a gift I'm glad I was able to receive.

These are so cute..and so gross to eat.