CONTROL FREAK (KEEPS SHOWING UP)

All photos on this post were taken in warmer times at Sarah P. Duke Gardens.  

I've been talking about the magic that happens when 

I pay attention to the people in my orbit.

My belief is that the people who are in my sphere of influence are MY PEOPLE

and when I engage with them, magic happens.

So far, I've talked about some specific people 
who I was lucky enough to notice while our paths crossed. 
My goal with these stories is to paint a broader picture about connection.

How do our best friends become our best friends?

What attitudes do we hold when we encounter someone that could be a friend?
How do we invite that person into a broader relationship?
How do people continue to influence us even when we're not beside each other?

In this post I'm shifting gears a little bit.
Instead of referencing a specific person or relationship, 
I'm going to talk about a thematic personality or 
attitude that shows up in my orbit on the regular.

Growing celery in NC requires some control freakery

Let's call this personality...Control Freak.
This person is optimistic and driven by happy energizer bunnies who never stop.

They appear to be motivated by 'getting things done',
compiling lists and knocking off to-dos.
They are independent and take charge folks.
They can (and will) do anything that needs doing.
They are excellent people to have around when you
need to plan a wedding, launch a project, or hit a deadline.

There's a darker side to this personality though.

Typically, this is a person

who is dancing dangerously close with perfectionism.

Often, doing the things isn't enough.
All the things must be done perfectly

or at least with a focus on doing them RIGHT.

There is an implied measuring stick 

and a sometimes not so silent rallying cry
that immediately divides us from them-
the doers from the sloths.
This personality values action over creativity,
efficiency over kindness,
completion over consideration.
They can be really difficult team mates, partners or friends.
They check lots of boxes...but they always have more lists.

There is no room for rest or space to breathe.
This personality has no sabbatical and can inadvertently 
kill fun like I have accidentally killed goldfish.

Oh balls.  I mean....canteloupe.

There was a time where this personality type would 
leave me choking on a fight or flight response.

Either, I would enter into a competition with this person 
-out performing, over-compensating and hustling to prove my worth-

or I would reject this person outright, unable to spend any time in their orbit.
Why would I pick one of these two choices?

Why was there no gray in my response-only black or white?
Why did I need to compete with this person
or avoid them at all costs? 

A dear friend said it perfectly this week: 
If you spot it, you got it.
Whatever drives you crazy in someone else
is likely front and center in you.
I am a recovering control freak-
and I've been pretty open about that (see here for more).
I have always struggled to be still with myself, 
show myself compassion, and
believe that people want to be around me just for me.

Just hanging out with my twins...

Noticing that this personality keeps showing up
in spite of my own work in this area is interesting.
Also interesting...my own negative response to this personality.
If I've worked to heal this behavior in myself,
then why do I keep noticing it in others?
Why do the control freaks gravitate towards me?
Or am I gravitating towards them?
Maybe I need them as much as they need me.
I need to see someone behaving in a way
that I can understand more intimately than someone
who has never struggled with this challenge.
I have first hand empathy and compassion for these souls
because I'm learning first hand empathy and compassion for myself.


Watching this personality, has allowed me to see that
control freaks want connection more than anyone else.
This personality is lonely and using this perfectionism to feel worthy.
This personality doesn't believe that showing up
just as they are
will be welcome.
So they hustle and judge,
organize and align,
over-schedule and nit-pick.
They also don't know any other way to be....
because when the rest of the world is faced with them
the world either competes (reinforces the behavior)
or flees (to avoid a chore list).
Maybe they keep showing up in my world
because I can actually be still, sit with them, and hold space.
I no longer have to defend or retreat.

I love this personality deeply-but I have learned that loving myself well
 means loosening my grip on these behaviors.
Boundary work.
Watching my mouth.
Remembering to create and slow down.
Breathing.

All have helped.

On the off chance that you see yourself in my words, 
I hope you can feel uplifted by them.
You are a blessing to everyone you meet.
Believe it.
#beherenow

Also...if anyone has a hotline to weather....I need it to warm up, ok?