SHOW UP (WALKING WITH PAIN)

Quick sketch by my son of the hospital atmosphere

My dad has been hospitalized for almost a month.

He's pretty special to me-but he's also complicated.

He's a grandfather to many but I'm 

(of course) 

focused primarily on my little family.

Nothing is more terrifying to children than seeing a beloved adult

buried in wires, machines and sterilized blankets;

knowing that there are hard choices ahead with no guarantees.

My kids adore him and since they are kids, 

they really want all of this to stop so we can get back

to normal.

In the past month, my kids have

morphed between two exaggerated caricatures of themselves.

One version has each kid with 

big, pleading, anime eyes

and 

the other version casts them as 

cranky, irritated and entitled creatures.

They are scared so they keep trying anything to shake us 

out of this nightmare they woke up inhabiting.

It's not working but they keep trying.

And the questions!

The questions just don't stop.

Is Pop going to die?

Is he going to lose his foot?

Will he be able to walk again?

How long will he be there?

Why is he so tired?

How did he get to this point?

Why didn't someone stop him?

Why are hospitals so awful?

Why do WE have to go to the hospital?

When will you be back from the hospital?

Who will feed us?

And inevitably...will you ever look like that?

Will we have to navigate this pain with you mom? dad?

Catching the view from the (hospital) room

I don't avoid.

It is not my way.

We have a family riddled with denial and addiction and dysfunction.

I can't afford to let them pick randomly from

the examples around them to 

emulate a path towards life.

They might not find their way out.

So I do my job and coach them through it.

Here is what I say:

Your pain will always hurt EXACTLY that much.

It will be there waiting for you-

it is patient and relentless and yours.

Lots of people will sell you quick tickets

to get away from pain but it is a scam.

There is no antidote.

Pain is a companion to this life

because it is the price of participation.

The amount of pain you feel is directly in proportion 

to the amount of life you experience.

It cannot be reduced, reused or given away.

If your dog dies, 

your marriage ends, 

you get fired, 

your parent forgets your name-

the amount of pain you feel has already been prescribed.

You cannot run from it

hide from it,

convert it,

or bargain with it.

Pain is pain.

Showing Up

What mitigates pain?

Pain can't be changed into something else.

There is only one thing that I know

that will mitigate pain.

A chaser or companion 

that makes the pain more bearable.

SHOW UP.

Do not hide.

Open up that heart.

Let it break.

We need to experience that pain to grow.

We need to be present

so that we can learn what the pain does;

what it leaves behind.

Glennon says that pain is a traveling professor, here to teach us.

I say, you have to step into class for your lessons.
Get into the classroom-don't play hookie.

You can't fix most things.

Anything really.

Don't show up with that expectation.

You'll just find a new kind of pain.

Show up 

expecting nothing

and giving what you have to give.

There is something present when we show up

that helps us navigate the pain.

It doesn't diminish the pain or take it away.

It just helps us live with it.

Show up.

So when you look back

you will see

where you showed kindness and compassion

that you got up when you were scared,

that you allowed your heart to get broken,

that allowed your heart to get bigger.

I realize how many things are better

richer, more robust

because of the pain required to walk along with them.

It's going to hurt anyway

SHOW UP

so you remember where the scars came from

and why any of it mattered.

You cannot escape pain.

But you can use it to fuel transformation.

You can temper it's edge with compassion

and it gets infinitely less debilitating without 

a chaser of shame.

SHOW UP.

Even if you haven't ever shown up before.

Especially if it feels awkward and terrible and 

you do it 'wrong'.

Floral arrangement by my daughter for our Nourish group meeting.