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| Natural bridge building? Or demolition? |
I think of myself as a bridge-builder.
My friends and family are in a spectrum of colors, beliefs, and creeds.
I try very hard to live out my faith by welcoming all, serving all, loving all.
I am committed to participating actively in a story
I am committed to participating actively in a story
where the over-arching theme is
LOVE;
where reconciliation and redemption and connection
are possible.
But I think we need to have a talk
about this important work.
Building bridges doesn't happen accidentally.
Especially if that divide is larger than your average person's hop.
Bridge building is work.
But I think we need to have a talk
about this important work.
Building bridges doesn't happen accidentally.
Especially if that divide is larger than your average person's hop.
Bridge building is work.
One obvious thing:
I'm using a bridge as a metaphor for connecting humans.
There's not a bone in my body that can build an actual bridge.
I am the opposite of an engineer.
I deal in words and thinking and feeling.
On my best days, if we're talking about plants and landscape-
I can somehow magically incorporate spatial
relationships and angles into something others can understand.
It looks like measuring and consideration but trust me when I say...
most of my foray into design and functionality
is powered exclusively by EMOTIONAL MATH.
Calculus, complicated densities of materials or the calculation of sine waves
are all things I put on the mental shelf once I received
my college degree. Go Wolfpack!
I'm using a bridge as a metaphor for connecting humans.
There's not a bone in my body that can build an actual bridge.
I am the opposite of an engineer.
I deal in words and thinking and feeling.
On my best days, if we're talking about plants and landscape-
I can somehow magically incorporate spatial
relationships and angles into something others can understand.
It looks like measuring and consideration but trust me when I say...
most of my foray into design and functionality
is powered exclusively by EMOTIONAL MATH.
Calculus, complicated densities of materials or the calculation of sine waves
are all things I put on the mental shelf once I received
my college degree. Go Wolfpack!
So if you're looking for advice on wood, stone, or steel bridge building...
you should use the next link suggestion in google.
Even though I think of myself as a bridge builder,
you should use the next link suggestion in google.
 |
| What do you think was happening on this bridge? Random statue of a sad guy in a sombrero? |
Even though I think of myself as a bridge builder,
the struggle is REAL during this season.
Maybe during this life?
Not just the holiday season that is coming up
or the family medical crises
or the political and socio-economic upheaval
we are experiencing in America.
Maybe during this life?
Not just the holiday season that is coming up
or the family medical crises
or the political and socio-economic upheaval
we are experiencing in America.
Bridges are falling all around.
Building new ones seems impossible some days.
It's like no one has the materials anymore.
It's hard to even build one in a community where you are right now,
among people you thought were your friends.
Many a pleasant conversation
turns into a verbal brawl
or character assassination
based on a brief, 120 character comment.
All of these are topics that could incite a riot or
in the least become a rallying cry for dis-owning
your childhood best friend based on social media postswithin my own community:
Politics (obviously right?)
National Anthems
Police Presence
Value of Life
Religion
Vaccinations
Gluten
Jeggings
The motto of most communication right now rests
between 'Take No Prisoners' and 'Build a Wall'.
Mention that you support the NFL players' right to protest,
and your favorite uncle is likely to flame you out on social media.
Don't think we should speak disrespectfully of a person
who holds the office of President?
Prepare to be called a red hat republican nazi.
There is little room for gray in most of our conversations these days.
We either don't talk about it or
we talk only to those who hate the same things we hate
(thanks to Brene Brown for sharing the language around that last idea).
So what do we bridge builders do
in the face of these difficulties?
We keep trying to build bridges!
However....I find that there are times when I might think
that I'm building a bridge but I'm actually working
VERY HARD
on building something else.
Here are some insights into my personal failures.
(thanks to Brene Brown for sharing the language around that last idea).
So what do we bridge builders do
in the face of these difficulties?
We keep trying to build bridges!
However....I find that there are times when I might think
that I'm building a bridge but I'm actually working
VERY HARD
on building something else.
Here are some insights into my personal failures.
Ways to Fail at Bridge Building:
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| Is this a bridge or a tower? |
Build a Tower
Basically, when you're trying to build a bridge with someone,
you've got to remember that they are in a different place than you.
You are not starting from the same place.
You are here.
They are far away.
Where they are is fine.
Where you are is fine.
You both like and enjoy where you are.
Bridges allow flow between those two places.
They don't eliminate one of the two places.
If your goal is to bring the other side
over to the exact spot you're currently starting in.....
you're not building a bridge.
you've got to remember that they are in a different place than you.
You are not starting from the same place.
You are here.
They are far away.
Where they are is fine.
Where you are is fine.
You both like and enjoy where you are.
Bridges allow flow between those two places.
They don't eliminate one of the two places.
If your goal is to bring the other side
over to the exact spot you're currently starting in.....
you're not building a bridge.
You're building a tower.
There's no room for the other person in that scenario.
There's only room for you, your opinion, your ideas, your facts.
Towers are lonely places.
They don't expand easily
and they can be pretty rigid.
Things and people go into towers
and often don't come out.
Bridges are ways to meet someone other than yourself.
They are connections where people actively move in both directions.
It is possible,
just possible
that you have something you could learn from
the person who holds a different viewpoint or opinion than you.
Bridge building is about listening,
empathy and compassion.
Not conversion.
So....
when your black friend starts posting about BLACK LIVES MATTER,
do NOT start defending BLUE LIVES or ALL LIVES
or how you cannot possibly be racist because you have black friends.
Do NOT start trying to get someone converted to your opinion.
You are missing the point.
Ask questions, listen to the answers, try to understand.
Step out, knowing that your bridges are meant to show you
somewhere other than where you are right now.
Towers are lonely places.
They don't expand easily
and they can be pretty rigid.
Things and people go into towers
and often don't come out.
Bridges are ways to meet someone other than yourself.
They are connections where people actively move in both directions.
It is possible,
just possible
that you have something you could learn from
the person who holds a different viewpoint or opinion than you.
Bridge building is about listening,
empathy and compassion.
Not conversion.
So....
when your black friend starts posting about BLACK LIVES MATTER,
do NOT start defending BLUE LIVES or ALL LIVES
or how you cannot possibly be racist because you have black friends.
Do NOT start trying to get someone converted to your opinion.
You are missing the point.
Ask questions, listen to the answers, try to understand.
Step out, knowing that your bridges are meant to show you
somewhere other than where you are right now.
 |
| Can you see what's over there? |
Use the Teleportation Strategy
Every great sci-fi universe has a way for humans arrive at
a specific point and place without prolonged travel,
without landing on top of a small child or an old lady, and
without looking completely out of place.
Sounds great right?
You imagine a place, pop in a couple of coordinates
makes some weird noises and TAH-DAH!
You are there!
On the other side!
Neither our science nor our attitudes
have caught up to that level of connectivity yet.
If your position is super far away,
there's little chance you can see what's over there
on the other side.
Anything that you try to send over, gets dropped in the water
or lands on top of an unsuspecting bystander.
Teleportation as a strategy in the real world
means there will be collateral damage.
a specific point and place without prolonged travel,
without landing on top of a small child or an old lady, and
without looking completely out of place.
Sounds great right?
You imagine a place, pop in a couple of coordinates
makes some weird noises and TAH-DAH!
You are there!
On the other side!
Neither our science nor our attitudes
have caught up to that level of connectivity yet.
If your position is super far away,
there's little chance you can see what's over there
on the other side.
Anything that you try to send over, gets dropped in the water
or lands on top of an unsuspecting bystander.
Teleportation as a strategy in the real world
means there will be collateral damage.
How does this relate to bridge-building between humans?
Well, we can't insert our details into the middle of someone else's story
and expect it to blend into the landscape.
Anything we try to poke into someone else's story looks fantastical
and definitely doesn't belong.
It will not be accepted.
It will not be received well.
The truth of this increases as the emotional weight
of a topic increases.
Here's an example I encounter often.
For many people, the role that Jesus has played
in their lives is the a story of pain, judgement, repression and/or abuse.
The Christians they have encountered
have cemented that belief
again
and again
and again.
If I show up talking about the beauty of Jesus
how grace-filled my life has become,
how accepted I am in my brokenness
how beloved my soul is to God..
that story is too far-fetched to be accepted,
too counter to the reality that the person has experienced.
It is going to be rejected.
It doesn't fit with the other person's experience.
It cannot be over-ridden that easily.
And it should NOT be.
Let's say I insist on my facts.
My Jesus IS the only way.
My Jesus is the truth, the light.
Accept him OR ELSE.
I will be accepted...as another person trying
to repress, abuse, and harm in the name of this guy named Jesus.
I can't try and insert my story or opinions
right smack dab in the middle of someone else's story,
beat them down with my story
of hope and redemption.
That is not bridge building-that is a hallucinogenic trip.
And a bad one at that.
So what can you do?
Ask questions.
Can't think of any?
Try these:
Why do you feel that way?
What contributed to the narrative?
How could you feel loved or supported?
What do you need from me?
Acknowledge their experience.
Take yourself out of their story-because you have earned no place there.
Do not try to refute or change their understanding.
Say thank you for sharing something with me.
Bridge building takes time.
It is not a one and done conversation.
You cannot teleport in and then hop back out again.
Well, we can't insert our details into the middle of someone else's story
and expect it to blend into the landscape.
Anything we try to poke into someone else's story looks fantastical
and definitely doesn't belong.
It will not be accepted.
It will not be received well.
The truth of this increases as the emotional weight
of a topic increases.
Here's an example I encounter often.
For many people, the role that Jesus has played
in their lives is the a story of pain, judgement, repression and/or abuse.
The Christians they have encountered
have cemented that belief
again
and again
and again.
If I show up talking about the beauty of Jesus
how grace-filled my life has become,
how accepted I am in my brokenness
how beloved my soul is to God..
that story is too far-fetched to be accepted,
too counter to the reality that the person has experienced.
It is going to be rejected.
It doesn't fit with the other person's experience.
It cannot be over-ridden that easily.
And it should NOT be.
 |
| Bridge or wall? How can you tell? |
Let's say I insist on my facts.
My Jesus IS the only way.
My Jesus is the truth, the light.
Accept him OR ELSE.
I will be accepted...as another person trying
to repress, abuse, and harm in the name of this guy named Jesus.
I can't try and insert my story or opinions
right smack dab in the middle of someone else's story,
beat them down with my story
of hope and redemption.
That is not bridge building-that is a hallucinogenic trip.
And a bad one at that.
So what can you do?
Ask questions.
Can't think of any?
Try these:
Why do you feel that way?
What contributed to the narrative?
How could you feel loved or supported?
What do you need from me?
Acknowledge their experience.
Take yourself out of their story-because you have earned no place there.
Do not try to refute or change their understanding.
Say thank you for sharing something with me.
Bridge building takes time.
It is not a one and done conversation.
You cannot teleport in and then hop back out again.
 |
| Bridge building takes stamina... |
Start on a Weak Foundation
I have done or witnessed this particular failure more often than any other.
I think it happens the most often because it has the best intentions.
People who naturally want to build bridges are also the most likely to use themselves up in the building.
Bridge building does not work when the builder is weak.
You need a strong foundation in order to extend
a bridge over troubled water.
You can't start on shaky ground and hope to reach the other side.
Bridges that have a weak foundation will fall apart-
if they ever make it over at all.
I think it happens the most often because it has the best intentions.
People who naturally want to build bridges are also the most likely to use themselves up in the building.
Bridge building does not work when the builder is weak.
You need a strong foundation in order to extend
a bridge over troubled water.
You can't start on shaky ground and hope to reach the other side.
Bridges that have a weak foundation will fall apart-
if they ever make it over at all.
You start with where you are..and you get a good solid structure.
Getting a good solid foundation takes a lot of work.
It cannot be rushed-
even if you are somehow afraid that the world is burning down
without your assistance.
You have got to pause, take care of yourself first
BEFORE
Getting a good solid foundation takes a lot of work.
It cannot be rushed-
even if you are somehow afraid that the world is burning down
without your assistance.
You have got to pause, take care of yourself first
BEFORE
You can take one step towards work on a bridge.
You need a community who loves you.
You need extreme self-care practices at the ready.
You need to be safe in your own skin without the bridge.
Everything cannot depend on making this bridge.
You need a community who loves you.
You need extreme self-care practices at the ready.
You need to be safe in your own skin without the bridge.
Everything cannot depend on making this bridge.
What does that mean in real life?
It means that if you're already unhinged at the annual
Thanksgiving gathering, already tired and over-whelmed....
then you should not attempt bridge-building when Great-Aunt Betty starts comparing gay marriage to the early days of Sodom and Gomorrah.
You should walk away.
You should maybe write about it later.
Or have another conversation.
If you engage when you are not solidly supported,
there will be no bridge.
There will just be a shock and awe attack with your
previously beloved Great-Aunt Betty on one side (with her pecan pie)
and you feeling shame and horror on the other.
And the bridges that existed before
will now also be shaky-maybe even broken.
It means that if you're already unhinged at the annual
Thanksgiving gathering, already tired and over-whelmed....
then you should not attempt bridge-building when Great-Aunt Betty starts comparing gay marriage to the early days of Sodom and Gomorrah.
You should walk away.
You should maybe write about it later.
Or have another conversation.
If you engage when you are not solidly supported,
there will be no bridge.
There will just be a shock and awe attack with your
previously beloved Great-Aunt Betty on one side (with her pecan pie)
and you feeling shame and horror on the other.
And the bridges that existed before
will now also be shaky-maybe even broken.
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| Sometimes you need to be above and removed for the bridge to be built-and that is OK! |
It means that
sometimes you have to save bridge building for another day.
Sometimes you have to say 'Bless your heart'
or tag in your friend who is thoughtful and well-rested.
You cannot build a bridge without solid footing.
It even means that some kinds of bridges will
be forbidden to you.
If you've been traumatized by something
sexual abuse, racism, addiction....
you may not be able to work on building bridges there.
You may be so hurt and triggered that there is no way for you
to build that bridge.
Ever.
Do the work on your foundation.
Then see where the bridges are needed
that you are able to work on.
There are enough bridges that need to be built
and you don't have to build them all.
Wherever you are on your journey
I hope you have peace and support through the coming season.
We need more bridges than ever before.
We need to set these bridges to be strong.
So do what it takes to do it right.
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| This is a bridge too...amiright? |
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