DADDY LESSONS

My dad has been hospitalized for about a week with a 

life threatening medical situation.

The current situation is a culmination of his life choices, 

his experiences, and his pathology.

All of this was preventable

but none of it was preventable by the person that he is.

It's made me reflect on the ways that we understand our parents

the context that they have for us

and how the view of a parent evolves and matures as we do.

This post is sort of a portrait of the man who is my father-

but I fully recognize that this is only one of the facets of him-

not the sum total of him or even how others see him.

He's beloved.

He's human.

He's complicated.

My PawPaw and my 15 year old Dad.

My dad is a high-functioning alcoholic.

He is a passionately dedicated smoker.

He is a lover of all salted pork products and doughnuts.

He is a product of his generation and place....

where men worked hard, lived harder, and died happy.

He thinks exercising as a purposeful activity is stupid.

He actually thinks lots of things are stupid.

Hobbies, fiction, non-fried vegetables, TV preachers and politicians.

That's the word he uses...stupid.

But he says it like sch-TEEEEW-pid.

With feeling and finality.

He was a custodial engineer for 20 years with a school system.

That is a fancy way of saying he was a janitor.

Before that, he was a sewing machine repairman in textile mills.

Like everyone else in our family and our area during that time.

During the week, he worked 12 hour shifts.

On the weekends, he mowed, gardened and chopped wood-

in 12 hour shifts.

Until this year, I have never known a time that he was not physically active.

So I guess that is why exercise makes no sense to him.

Who needs to practice lifting and hauling?

Only lazy people in his mind.

My Dad and me circa 1975.

Two years ago, he had a stroke and was hospitalized for about a week.

Before that, he had been to see a doctor twice in his adult life.

Twice.

Once to get a general physical required to get his custodial engineer job.

One more time as a follow up to that appointment.

And then never again until the stroke.

He didn't go when his breathing sounded like a car back-firing 
for an entire winter.

He didn't go when he broke his wrist at his grand-daughter's roller skating party.

He didn't go when his legs hurt while he waxed the floor at school

or when he ached as much in the morning as when he went to bed at night.

This time around in the hospital, he's getting his first ever doses of antibiotics.

Can you imagine?

He has never had a z-pack.

Never.

Dad's first ever hospital visit-it was scary but not as scary as this one.

He is a creature of obsessive habits.

Any change in his routine is a red flag.

He prescribed himself a regulated amount of alcohol for years.

During the week, he had six beers nightly.  

On weekends or holidays, he might have 12.

Very rarely did he change his consumption by more than 

one or two beers

which is how we knew something was wrong two years ago

 when he had a stroke.

He forgot to drink.

He gets up at 8 and goes to bed around 9.

Always.

He watches the Young and the Restless every day.

Every Day.

He gets up in the morning 

and drives to the gas station to get a

biscuit, a paper and a pack of cigarettes.

Every day.

Until recently.

Halloween in the 80s-he was a very padded,happy clown.

He is vain.

In spite of his dislike of doctors, he will happily go to the dentist.

He wants his hair and beard trimmed.

He keeps an NC State cap perched on his bald head at all times.

He likes his person and his house to be neat and tidy.

He has incredibly blue eyes and refuses to wear glasses.
He can see fine thank you very much
while he holds a paper out 2 feet from his face.

In fact...he is always 'FINE'.
That is code for leave me alone.

He is fiercely independent and does not want anyone looking at him.

As a child, he had a speech impediment and was weak and sickly.

He can still be hyper-sensitive about being the focus of attention.

He will go to great lengths

including ignoring his own health 

to keep people from interfering in his routine or 

badgering him, or being a burden.

He is the single most stubborn human I've ever met.

He is superstitious and a constant worrier.

Watch out for thunderstorms on the way to work SugarBear....

(what will I do if I encounter a thunderstorm exactly?)

Do you have enough gas?  Don't ever let it get below half a tank.

Are the eyes on the stove off?

Did you check?

Is the iron plugged in?

Go back and see.

Be careful.

Be safe.

You're getting on a plane to where?

Are you crazy?

Watch out for snakes, fast cars, hateful men, spicy food, 

citrus fruit, loud noises, illnesses.

Be careful.

Me and Dad last Thanksgiving

He is careful.

Full of care.

He is tenderhearted and gracious.

I have watched him all week in this hospital be kind to people 

who are putting him through his literal idea of hell.

Needles, doctors, foreign surroundings, IVs and alarms that beep

loudly for no apparent reason.

Plus they took his clothes (except his NC State cap).

You could not craft a more terrifying experience for him.

And yet....

When he has nothing nice to say...even in hell...he shuts up.

Occasionally he makes a joke about his pain or discomfort.

He has convinced all his nurses to make him milkshakes.

And ignore his steady intake of cookies and Halloween candy 

given by the grandkids.

He is pleasant and welcoming.

He is gracious.
He is full of grace.

He has a deep, deep voice and when I was little, 

I was scared of him.
He's often super serious-even when delivering a joke.
And when I was little...he was sooo big.
A giant at 5'7".

Until I figured out that he is the sweetest of the sweet.

He has several shotguns but he hasn't killed a deer in 40 years.

He will eat what others hunt but he can't bring himself 

to kill something so beautiful.

He taught me how to do a dove call with my hands cupped,

how to sucker a tomato,

how to honor a moment,

and how to turn the other cheek.

He recently told me that he is a Presbyterian.

This cracks me up because I've seen him willingly inside 

a church only at weddings.

But he said it so seriously so I will have to take him at his word.

Presbyterian he is.

I have called him a redneck Buddhist since my early twenties when his 

advice to a bad breakup was....

"I sure did like that boy but...he will reap what he sowed.

Just watch and see SugarBear.  

What goes around comes around.  

I know your heart is broken but better to know the truth. 

You take care of you.  

The world will take care of that boy."

He was right.

He has never said one word about my mother

that wasn't calm and supportive and saving room for a child's love.

She's my mother and he will always honor her to me.

Not because she deserves it by her behavior to him

but because to do less would be forsaking his job of Dad.

That he can maintain that perspective after

everything my mother has done to him and to our family

is something I would love to be able to emulate.

He is a father and a grandfather extraordinaire.

Dad and 15 year old me

He graduated high school as his highest level of formal education.

He doesn't have a checking account or a credit card.

He carefully tracks and regulates his spending-never going outside of his means.
He despises travel-
anything farther than an hour or so is not really worth seeing.
Not if you have to be away from home and routine.
Not if you have to eat strange things.

But when there is something that he wants to know or understand

he can be quietly relentless.

When I told him I planned to go to college, 

he asked me why I would want to do such a thing.

And then...he became incredibly engaged in what I was studying.

He would ask about my subjects and then find 

articles or information to talk about on my breaks.

When I worked for a startup in the dotcom glory days, 

he educated himself about stock options.

If it comes on the news, he will know it.

If it sparks his interest, he will dig deeper.  

How he manages to dig deeper I haven't figured out 

yet since he doesn't know how to use a computer.

He's probably a genius-although he really 

hopes you don't figure it out.

It took a long time for us to sort out the disaster of my childhood.
He is incredibly patient and kind...
and as a dad, he just tried to do the next, right thing.
Sometimes he screwed up.
But most often...he was brilliant-even though I didn't know it.
He held the light for me so I could find the path of 
LOVE
when everything around me was dark.
He's complicated.
But he's also the best.

Current view of my dad.  All prayers for him are appreciated.