CRABS IN A BUCKET (CLUBS TO QUIT)

My communication toolbox includes heaping portions 

of metaphor, simile or fantastical hyperbole.

It's not like I can't explain something without figurative language 

but it's kind of like eating cake without icing.  

It feels unfinished and dissatisfying to my southern soul.

My spouse is originally from the west coast and 

whether it's a regional distinction or just a familial difference, 

he arrived in his chosen homeland as an eighteen year old

without any natural facility for figurative language.

His mother tongue was literal.  Factual.  He thought people

say what they mean and mean what they say.

Bless his heart.

One of the more amusing aspects of our courtship included

 his almost constant bafflement at how my people speak.

He's come along way over the past 25 years in his ability to translate

the language of the south-eastern united states and he even contributes 

his own imagery and metaphors occassionally.

We were doing our nightly walk and I was telling him about a particularly

gnarly interaction I was having with someone and I pulled out 

the crabs in the bucket metaphor.

I thought for sure I'd used it with him a hundred times

but he made me give him a refresher so he'd be sure to understand

the full context.

Which made me think it might be worth sharing here.

Because honestly, knowing how crabs behave in a bucket

will tell you a lot about certain kinds of human interactions too.

This isn't my creation.  I picked it up somewhere although I don't remember where any longer because I use it so often.

Stone crab caught off Ocracoke Island.

To really understand this metaphor, you need some context about 

how non-professional fishermen go hunting for crabs (aka-crabbing).

If you are on vacation near the coast or interocoastal waterway,

chances are high that there are some tasty crabs swimming around.

I was going to give ya'll a lot of info about how to attract them 

and catch them but it's honestly a little gross and too detailed.  

The thing you really need to understand is that most 

amateur's catch them one at a time and while

one crab is a delightful appetizer, it is not sufficient for a meal.  

You generally need a few of them which means you've got to keep the ones you've already caught contained and alive until you're ready to eat them.

Crabs are tricky right?  

You seem them skedaddling back into their little hidey holes 

on the beach or blitzing away under the water.  

They can climb and cling and sometimes cut their way out of situations.  

It should be hard to contain these little buggers.

But it's not.

All you really need is a 5 gallon bucket

or something similarly smooth sided.

One crab is too small to climb the thick walls so usually 

he just sits at the bottom, 

quietly slandering the last four generations of your family.

A reasonable (if slightly fancy) bucket in which to contain crabs.

Easy peasy.  

One little crab in that bucket doesn't stand much of a chance of escape.

But when you start getting some volume of crabs

in that bucket, they'll figure out a way out....right?

 Surely they could form a little chain of crabs and make it over the wall?

No crab left behind?

Definitely NOT what happens.

Crabs do not help other crabs.

They're smart enough to know the way out

but almost completely self-centered in their focus.

When there starts to be a quorum of crabs in the bucket,

the posturing and scheming starts to ratchet up.

They forget about the overlord on high that dropped them

into this bucket and focus completely on each other.

They're crafty little bugs so they start scaling the sides

or climbing over each other.

As the overlord who wants to keep these guys safe so you can

steam them and serve them with butter, should you worry?

Not really.

The other crabs always

ALWAYS 

notice when a crab is about to get out

and instead of cheering him on, 

THEY PULL HIM BACK IN.

See, they don't want anyone to get out if they can't get out.

What are they thinking?

I guess I can't be sure but it for sure looks like they're committed

 to dying before they let one of their friends succeed.

All of them, unanimously agree, that each individual will get out first

or no one will get out.

It's a little ridiculous because they prove that they can work together

by working against their own interests.

My giant kiddos hunting for themselves on Ocracoke.

Now, this is really helpful if you're looking for a nice dinner on the coast

 and you have several hours to entertain kids.

But it is also helpful when dealing with particularly unhealthy humans.

Humans are pack animals by nature who can work together to 

create something better than our parts.

As long as we're not afraid.

As long as we can put aside our selfishness.

As long as we can focus our energy on the broken systems

or situations that caused our predicament

instead of insisting on scarcity.

Sadly, there are humans that you encounter from time to time

who operate just like crabs in a bucket.

Instead of being glad that you are trying to get out of a shared situation,

they insist on pulling you back into it.

They might tell you something like this to justify their actions:

Don't get too big for your britches.

This is the natural order of things.

You think you're better than everyone else.

You'll get your freedom when this other group has theirs.

There's not enough freedom to go around.

If you get out, then I'll have to stay here alone.

This is for your own good, you don't understand it now but you will one day.

I'm only doing this because I love you.

You need to learn to respect <the person or system who is holding you down>.

This blue crab lived another day because he was too small.  

When dealing with people who hold this mindset

you are dealing with crabs and you need to act accordingly.

It doesn't matter if you're trying to get out so you can throw a rope down.

It doesn't matter if the opportunity to move on was created 

by happenstance, good luck, or intense hard work.

It doesn't matter that you have proven you'll take care 

of those in the bucket even if you can't get them out quickly.

To those confused and broken souls who operate from this mindset,

the only thing that matters is that you might be free 

and they cannot tolerate the idea of your freedom.

Sigh.

I have spent lots of time inside of buckets 

trying to rally my fellow prisoners, educate them, 

give them perspective, help make an organized escape.

Sometimes it works-we escape as a team and celebrate each other.

Sometimes, the escapees go back to the bucket because they missed the certitude of knowing that everything inside 

the bucket is predictably f*cked.

Sometimes, the only thing I can do is nod at the people yelling 

or trying to hold me down like I'm definitely listening to them

while I develop my own, individual escape plan.

Some of ya'll are squinting hard right now trying to imagine what kind

of buckets I've been hanging out in.

Let me try and help for those of you not raised on metaphorical reality.

The bucket is a metaphor for systems or situations.

A bucket might be your family of origin.

Or the family you chose as an adult.

It might be a job.

Or a church.

It might be a political party.

Usually, buckets contain elements that have helped us

feel safe, loved or met some need for us.

It's very possible to wake up one day and realize

that everything you thought was safe and loving

has your bondage or slow destruction at the 

core of it's mission statement.

It's also possible that you just outgrow the bucket.

For local friends:  Got this sticker at Rose and Lee.

I've learned to believe people when they 

show me where their head is living.

If someone is insisting that their liberation has to happen

before anyone else's,

that no one can be free until they get there first,

then they are living in a place of fear and death

 that will cloud everything else.

They will cut off their nose to spite their face,

they will sell their soul to watch you fail,

and they will often actively work to keep you imprisoned.

How GOD puts up with us is a mystery.

If you're in a bucket with a bunch of crabs,

the only thing you can do is to get out of the bucket.

As quickly and safely as you can.

If you care about those crabs in the bucket

it's even more urgent and essential that you get out.

You should never stay in the bucket because you're waiting 

on them to come along with you as a team.

Crabs don't have a team.  

They are selfish and self-centered and they can't help it.

So when dealing with crabs, you have to be a little bit like that too.

None of you are safe in there, no matter how familiar it might feel.

And lastly, if you should get out of the bucket, you should never go back in.

Drop another rope down if you need to do something but don't get down in there.

Not for love or money or whispered promises of team work.

They're still in the bucket because they won't help each other out

and they don't want out.

There are no crabs in this photo.