GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS (CREATING A NEW DANCE)

In case you don't know, 

we've all been socially distanced and under a stay at home order

in North Carolina for over a month.

I feel like this is some sort of cosmic practical joke.

It's like groundhog day, every day.

That part of my brain that loves to observe myself and collect data-

well that part is in overdrive.

My word for the year is practice.

I know I'm supposed to let the magic happen, 

use beginner's mind and let go of expectations for how 

the word will influence my behavior.

But I'm only human; I definitely have some expectations.

I'm pretty sure I thought focusing on practice was 

going to be a fun warm up with friends.

It was going to take some of the pressure off of my future goals,

let me focus on the mechanics instead of the overwhelm.

It was going to be easy-it's only practice after all.

Welcome to pandemic lockdown.
Where all I do is practice-
where today is everyday, anyday.
I have more than enough time to observe
and hone my technique on any front.
However, with all this time on my hands, 

I've realized that I've been practicing the wrong things.

I love to live in my head-

so I've been practicing overthinking and 

reinforcing my addiction to busy-ness.

Over-scheduling doesn't end just because we're in quarantine.

I've fallen into a ZOOM hole like Alice fell into the looking glass.

I get up, get dressed, put on makeup like armor-

and make sure my heart is comfortable 

in that tiny, padded room without windows or air.
I take great care in avoiding all the things
that generally might make me feel strong emotion.
Singing loudly-not happening.
Dancing-if you call it working out and 
I am covered in sweat by the end then-maybe?
Flowers?  Painting?  Building? Coaching?
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
I am only practicing things that fuel my mind.
The things that fuel my heart or my soul have been 
scheduled right out of existence.

Since I love to be my own lab rat,

I was able to recognize that this overly structured 
life without feeling wasn't working.
This lesson is hard fought ground
that still feels new to me.
Feelings need to be felt so I need to make space for them to come through.

So I thought...what if I scheduled time for feeling?

What if I have a specific time of day where I can

check in with the rest of my trinity (head, heart, body)

and make sure I'm tapping into the source of it all (the Creator).

That seems like a great idea right?

Within a few minutes I had another item on the schedule.
Every weekday morning at 8:30am.
Problem solved!  
Except.
It absolutely did not work.

Why not?

Card I drew the other day from 'The Soul's Journey' deck by James Van Praagh

Well, mostly is because I set it up to fail from the beginning.
Instead of thinking, when is the best time
of day to ALLOW space,
I decided to wedge in a time 
and try and FORCE myself to emote.
I didn't stop to think about what is happening at 8:30 am
or what I actually need for true connection.
I just checked the box.
This is a fine example of self-sabotage
by my over achiever in chief.

I tried to do this schedule for approximately 10 days.
It did not work on any single one of those days.
Not surprisingly, the damn of emotion broke
open during my coach training this weekend
which allowed me to really sit with this little nugget.

Here's the thing.
There is ZERO chance I'm going to connect with my heart
 at this time of day because connecting with GOD 
always has a risk of bringing tears and messiness.

By 8:30, my day of work zoom meetings is slated to begin any minute.

I've probably been to a my church's morning
prayer online that happens at 7:30.

This is a wonderful practice for gathering together and grounding as a community.
Some days, I roll out of bed and roll right into that prayer meeting.
Cool right?
How I never have to remember who I am or what I need?
How I can work so hard to convince myself that I'm a robot-
clunking from meeting to meeting or distraction to distraction
without ever once connecting with my own soul?
The world will literally rise up to meet me with
schedules and structure, needs and affirmations.
I can avoid and deflect and call it self-care
or connection or any other label.

Here's something else that I know, 
but that I can hide from everyone (including myself).

If I want to fully connect with GOD, 
with my own heart, with the messy...

then I need to do it before I remember who the world expects me to be.

I have to do it before I brush my teeth, 
before I put on makeup and nice clothes;

before I say good morning or receive a single hug.

I have to force myself to look internally

because external is always more compelling, more polished, or just plain easier.
Or I need to do it in the evening when I can take off all the masks,
put the to-do lists and dirty dishes to the side,
climb into my comfy pajamas and snuggle into bed.
Before or after the world gets to me
is my best chance to find that lifeline that connects me
with the ONE, the Creator, the Divine.

Prophecy in the survey lines for our impending patio

So I've been creative and come up with a new schedule.
I have structured in two opportunities to connect.
In the morning, before I rise.
And in the evening, after day is done.
I start with a meditation I've recently learned.
And I stay there until I'm done-
which for me means that I'm as certain as I can be
that I am whole, beloved and enough for today.
There have been days when I've missed church prayer-
which is exactly right.
I have to put on my own gas mask
if I want to give to anyone else.
There are days when I go to speak to God and I am immediately asleep.
This is also exactly right-
God says rest in me and I can.
That is really, really working for me AND
I reserve the right to change it if it stops.


What are the motions that you're going through?
What are the practices that fuel you?