I have long stretches where I am sitting in gratitude-
for this time with my kids;
for the financial stability and safety I am blessed with;
for my health and the health of my family, my community;
for technology that keeps my connected with my people
with whom I can't share physical space;
for the strong healthy bonds with my little crew;
for this house and my dogs;
for time together, snuggled up.
with whom I can't share physical space;
for the strong healthy bonds with my little crew;
for this house and my dogs;
for time together, snuggled up.
It's so incredible and overwhelming.
I am whole.
I am safe.
I am well.
I am beloved.
There's a new order to my day.
Wake up, meditate, coffee, community prayer via Facebook.
Work for 4 hours.
Lunch with crew.
Work for 4 hours.
Workout.
Eat dinner with crew.
Homework, connection, or bad TV.
There's no commute,
lots of my 'normal' stress is down.
There's no where to go-
except maybe on a walk.
There's no way to do more than I'm doing
and my general tendency to hustle has had
to take a back seat to thinking creatively.
This new order is a gift.
And yet.
There's no where to go-
except maybe on a walk.
There's no way to do more than I'm doing
and my general tendency to hustle has had
to take a back seat to thinking creatively.
This new order is a gift.
And yet.
There's a sneaky thing that I'm noticing in this new order.
At least once a day
(sometimes more)
I feel hunted.
My chest tightens,
my pulse races,
and I can't shake the feeling of impending doom.
I'd like to say this feeling is predictable.
That I can control or anticipate when it shows up.
There is a stronger correlation with this feeling
after I've spent a lot of time online
or had a lot of sugar or caffeine.
But it comes when it comes.
I spent 4 hours weeding and planting on Saturday
in a beautiful space.
Afterwards I sat in the sun, listening to birds
and felt like a creature in need of a cave.
I flinch if someone comes closer to me than 6 feet.
I have felt the OCD tendencies slowly creeping back into my life.
or had a lot of sugar or caffeine.
But it comes when it comes.
I spent 4 hours weeding and planting on Saturday
in a beautiful space.
Afterwards I sat in the sun, listening to birds
and felt like a creature in need of a cave.
I flinch if someone comes closer to me than 6 feet.
I have felt the OCD tendencies slowly creeping back into my life.
I'm not ok.
No one is right now.
But I'm also struggling with my own privilege.
I'm comparing my anxiety
to the anxiety of others;
my security to the insecurity of others.
So I can minimize it.
Comparison in this case tries to keep
me from seeing my very real mental health struggles.
If I tell myself that I don't deserve to feel anxious,
that my worries are so much less than someone else's-
then I'll end up numbing myself to reality.
If I numb myself to my own compassion,
then my ability to have compassion for others will also diminish.
If I won't hold space for my own anxiety,
then I will not be able to hold space for all
the people who lack my privilege, safety and support.
This is one of the sneaky ways our society starts to break
into us and them.
Lucky for me...my heart and my body are not buying
what my brain is trying to sell.
I have to accept that this is the reality.
No matter how whiny it sounds
or how much I want to minimize it.
I am worried.
I am anxious.
I am not okay.
But I'm also struggling with my own privilege.
I'm comparing my anxiety
to the anxiety of others;
my security to the insecurity of others.
So I can minimize it.
Comparison in this case tries to keep
me from seeing my very real mental health struggles.
If I tell myself that I don't deserve to feel anxious,
that my worries are so much less than someone else's-
then I'll end up numbing myself to reality.
If I numb myself to my own compassion,
then my ability to have compassion for others will also diminish.
If I won't hold space for my own anxiety,
then I will not be able to hold space for all
the people who lack my privilege, safety and support.
This is one of the sneaky ways our society starts to break
into us and them.
Lucky for me...my heart and my body are not buying
what my brain is trying to sell.
I have to accept that this is the reality.
No matter how whiny it sounds
or how much I want to minimize it.
I am worried.
I am anxious.
I am not okay.
I'm not okay.
But I'm not alone.
But I'm not alone.
One of main sources of strength in this season is connection.
To my crew.
To my family.
To my Creator.
I'm still fumbling around to work those
things consistently into my new order.
It's challenging to be so intentional
about something that used to be innate.
Virtual meetings where there isn't an agenda.
Online morning prayer sessions.
Conversations with neighbors from a more than sufficient distance.
Using social media to be social.
It's ok to admit you're worried.
Or terrified.
Or angry.
Do it out loud.
Even if it mortifies you to admit it.
things consistently into my new order.
It's challenging to be so intentional
about something that used to be innate.
Virtual meetings where there isn't an agenda.
Online morning prayer sessions.
Conversations with neighbors from a more than sufficient distance.
Using social media to be social.
It's ok to admit you're worried.
Or terrified.
Or angry.
Do it out loud.
Even if it mortifies you to admit it.
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