MY BREAKUP (WITH BOOZE)

A few years ago I wrote a post about my dysfunctional relationship with alcohol.

Then I wrote a slightly light-hearted, funny riff on recovery labels here.
For someone who wasn't ready to claim they were sober,
that's a lot of words.

I was writing these first two articles while

I was still dancing with the labels that so often go along with addiction.

I knew that my relationship to alcohol

was probably not good for me but

I was avoiding saying something that would box me into a new kind of label.
I have often struggled with imposed limitations-self or otherwise.
During that vulnerable season, I wasn't sure I wanted to claim the truth I was circling.

I didn't want to say definitive words like:

I don't drink.

At all.

Nothing makes new acquaintances dislike your presence more 

than you saying that you don't drink.

A teetotaler.

What a weirdo.

You might as well be a cult member.

Or a flat-earther.

Unless of course you're prepared to share your

personal reasons in detail

with anecdotal evidence to support your life choices?

Do you have a PROBLEM?

Are you an alcoholic?

Could you not handle it?

And honestly....I was kind of accidentally sober right?

It was probably not going to stick.

I went through a major life event and as a result of the stress, 

I became very sick.

I lost 30 pounds within a few weeks.

I couldn't drink anything other than bone broth and tea.

I was having trouble sleeping and eating and so 

I accidentally broke up with alcohol.

No biggie.
I was sure we'd get back together someday.

Except it did stick and it was kind of a biggie.

I feel the need to be honest.

To say something clearly and without equivocation.
Even if only I read it.

Alcohol and I have broken up.

We just weren't that good for each other.

And even though some things were easier when we were still together,
I like my life without alcohol so much more.
As Sister Taylor Swift says,
we are never ever getting back together.

Proof of life without alcohol

I just went to 5 holiday parties.  

FIVE.

And I did it without a drink or a binge of any kind.

I laughed and was silly.

I wore fancy clothes and sparkly jewelry.

I talked with my friends and people I genuinely wanted to spend time with.

I met some new people and tried to pay attention-

to them and also to how I felt around them.

I showed up as myself, even though that feels kind of scary

when I'm not sure that I'm welcome or that I belong or even want to belong.

This is my fourth year of sober holidays so it was much easier.

Still....I had moments where I almost grabbed a drink.

It's so easy to slide back into that cultural norm

and not count the cost to myself.

Except I remember how tired I used to be.

I was so tired that I didn't even know how tired I was.

Exhaustion was my normal-

I did not know that this body was capable of a tenth of the energy

that I have today.

I couldn't even imagine it.

That sounds like a rosy success story.
I don't mean to paint an easy picture here.

Breaking up with alcohol was pretty tough.
She's the kind of friend that is welcome
even when she isn't necessarily on the guest list.
The easiest way to make friends in the mom crowd
is to talk about how often you hang out with alcohol
and what's your favorite color to see her in-red?  white?  rose?

Alcohol can show up anywhere with me: 

 the grocery store, the hair dresser,

baby showers and sporting events.
There are houses in my neighborhood that
give out jello shots and beer to adults on Halloween.
She's at work in our breakroom (keg)
and shuffled around at the white elephant party in expensive fifths
and tucked in little tiny bottles stuffed into stockings.
If you're a functioning adult,
it's almost impossible for the world to believe
that alcohol isn't your favorite plus one.
People don't even ask anymore if you're friends-
they just automatically assume that if you're cool,
you must be friends with her.

Even harder, alcohol and I have lot of friends and family

in common who are still

committed to spending time with her.
Some of them spend more time with her
than they do with anyone else.

Alcohol has been at every major event of my adult life.

She's in every picture, 

sometimes peeking out from behind someone's shoulder 

or on someone else's breath but she's there.

Alcohol was quite possibly my best friend-

or at least my most dependable friend.

And I don't blame them or want to change them.

I don't want anyone else to change their life or their lifestyle.

I just needed to change mine.

Which meant developing some boundaries

with everyone's favorite tag along.

People really like alcohol and they don't want you to hurt her feelings.

It is definitely NOT COOL to order a seltzer water at the local brewery

or have your BYOB always and forever be something 

no one else can use to increase their buzz.

Taking clients out on a bar crawl?  

While you drink coffee that is laced with nothing?

That will result in an interrogation of all your deepest motivations

 by people who just met you 5 minutes ago.

I mean...I didn't really want to hurt her feelings either.

I didn't want to break up with alcohol because I disliked her.

I loved her.

She was a trip.

We had so much fun together.

Until we stopped being friends

I had never had as much fun without her

as I'd had with her.

All my best experiences included her.

If it weren't for the downside,

we'd still be tight.

Do these guys all belong together?

We just aren't good together so I had to find a way

to either avoid places where I couldn't politely ignore her

or I had to find a way to protect my own boundaries.

Sometimes both.

I had to learn some new habits and new patterns-

and practice them until they felt normal

so that I didn't fall into a predictable trap.
Here's a predictable trap:

I decline a beverage 

and someone challenges my boundaries 

and I feel rejected or misplaced or exposed.
Basically, I decide that someone else's opinion
of how I'm taking care of myself
is more important than actually taking care of myself.
It took a loooooong time to stop tripping in this place
because these little landmines are everywhere.

There were many times where I just didn't go places 

or spend time with friends because I wasn't sure that I 

would hold my own promise to myself.

I had to learn to trust myself. 

That was a good, hard lesson.

Alcohol is nice to many

but to me she's been the ultimate frenemy.

It's best if you're close that we just don't discuss her.

I'm sure she's grown and moved on and she's different.

I don't need to hear about it-I wish her well from afar now.

Give her my regards and feel free to bring her along

as a guest to any party I attend.

Just know that we're not going to be close again

no matter what new marketing gimmicks or studies proving

improved heart health or celebrity endorsements.

We are definitely not on the same track.

Life is a little bit more predictable now but

only in the sense that I feel really damn good.

Not as sparkly maybe but stronger, more clear.

If I'm tired it's because I went to the gym or on a hike

or I worked really hard at something else that's my chosen work.

I am broadening my understanding of what it means to be sober.

I no longer think it applies to just alcohol or drugs-at least it doesn't for me.

I can use all kinds of things to keep myself separate-

work, food, social media, my children's needs or my schedule.

I am a master at busy-ness and disconnection.

It is real work for me to be present, to show up, to make conscious decisions.

It probably always will be.

But I don't lose myself in alcohol anymore.

That tool is out of the toolbox.

Final note:
I am only trying to show up as a person 

who decided to make a change and share my experience.

I don't mean to imply that I have life figured out or that I am better than 

anyone else who is struggling-with this issue or any other.

I worked with my therapist to understand the degree of my problem and

 how it fit into my overall mental health.

I was just a few steps down the road towards 

anything that would qualify in the mental health world as a disorder-

I hadn't yet hit that slippery slope where I needed to cover up

the crap I did while drinking by drinking more or making other self-destructive choices.

I wasn't physically addicted to alcohol nor had I given up

my responsibility or decision making to choices made under the influence.

My shame meter around alcohol was very, very low-

everyone around me thought it was at an acceptable level.

I did not qualify as an alcoholic.

I'm being pedantic for a reason.

It is not ok to compare my story to someone else's

and decide that one of us did it more right than the other.
More than anything else, I have been lucky, not smart.

Please don't use my words or my story as a reason to be hateful to anyone-

but particularly not with someone who is or has struggled

 with alcohol addiction or dependency.

If you've got a relative or friend or neighbor who's got this monkey on their back,

chances are they already speak poison to themselves, 

judge themselves and find themselves wanting.

If they had an easy way to get off the wheel of that disease they would take it.

There's no points added to your score for piling on the abuse.

It makes sense that you feel anger and frustration at their situation-

but that is about you and your work.

Take it to a licensed therapist or start a blog or go to the gym or talk to the Creator.

If you're a person who's struggling with alcoholism,

I want to say out loud, in print, for posterity.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE.

Even now.

No matter what you think you've done or what has been done to you.

You are beloved.

More than you could ever deserve or earn.

More than you can imagine right now.

More than your exhaustion and hustle and distraction suggest.

There are some other friends who will treat you better than alcohol.

Unfortunately, you won't be able to see them until

you break up with her.

But they don't ever go away-

they are always there waiting until the fog clears

and you get some rest and practice under your belt.

Forever.

I would suggest the HOME podcast as a gentle starting place.