WHY CHRISTIAN AND MY EVOLVING FAITH

I've been to a couple of conferences recently that are Christian focused-
that's two more than I ever thought I'd go to in this lifetime.

Attending the first conference was accidental-

a beloved college friend thought it would

be interesting for us to attend this little conference 

called Why Christian that was happening in Durham, NC.  

Why Christian is one of the first times where I've felt 

completely free to be whole in a public space.

A place where discussion of God didn't need to be

segregated to one kind of person, one kind of space.
A place where I wasn't a fantasist or intellectually inferior
because of my belief in something greater.
A place where what I believe can be held loosely by others
without a need to pick at my edges.

The attendees represent my bubble-the people

I am most comfortable being in communion with

people of color, women, LBGTQ, the broken and brave.

There was a flyer for another conference called 

Evolving Faith in Black Mountain NC for the fall.  

I've just returned from that event and it was profound, messy, and deep.  

Most people attending were wrestling with wounds inflicted in the name of Jesus
 and then of course, their own awakening to the wilderness.  

The speakers were from a rainbow of traditions and perspectives.  

The space was beautiful and there were also lots of topics that pushed 

us out of our comfort zones (starting with the torrential monsoon all through day one).
 Previous experiences lead me to believe that I'll spend the next few weeks

 processing before the new connections made this weekend

 will settle into something I can use more fully. 

 However, there is something rumbling around within me that 

would like a little immediate attention. 

Specifically, why am I personally a Christian?  

There were a lot of interesting people at this conference who asked

 me earnest questions about doctrine and my own beliefs.  

I didn't have a lot of firm answers for them because in general,

I don't spend a lot of time worrying about points of religion.

I don't hold legalistic religious attitudes towards God

and this is one area of my life where my heart leads before my head.

 If I've learned anything in this short life though, 

it's that we benefit from shared experience.  

In case there are other seekers like me, 

I thought it might be helpful to write down my perspective.  

Just like anything I share on mental health or tools....I'm not really qualified

 to talk about doctrine, structure, the church or much else.  
I'm not trying to convert anyone to any way of thinking-
except perhaps that love is the answer.

I've spent a long time in the wilderness-in fact, I was basically 

raised by wolves (or one wolf in particular). 

My childhood was punctuated by weekend respites from the wilderness

 at my Aunt Lillian's house.

Aunt Lillian's house was filled with magic-

creative costumes, comfy nooks, extra doughnuts, and long walks.

Sunday mornings were started with waffles and then

walks up to our church.  

Aunt Lillian sang in the choir so I sat with Aunt Ruby on the front row,

 eating sugared orange slices and playing with my Barbie.  

I learned that Jesus loved me no matter what-although I wasn't sure what kind

 of people were red or yellow-he loved them too. 

On Sunday evening it was back to the wilderness where love needed

 to be earned and would be withheld on a whim.

As I grew up, I stared into homes that seemed so much better,

 safer and loving than my home and I tried to figure out the formula.   

I wanted that white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, the parents who remained 

married and didn't look for their feelings in the bottom of a bottle. 
I wanted to be safe, to be able to trust what would happen next.
I became a disciple at the temple of conformity, chasing and catching 
the money and structures that would match this place I imagined
where people weren't messy or inadequate.
This temple turned out to be surprisingly fragile and lonely.  

I never really felt like I belonged but I did have a modicum of safety.  

I knew how to push and pull these levers,

 I knew what defined success and failure, I used the system to remain static.

In 2015, the life I built around conformity shattered.  

In many ways, I died as the carefully crafted ideas

of what I thought of as success and my own worth went up in flames.

Dancing for money or approval or belonging was not going to work.  

Labeling myself as a wife, a mother, a safe white woman

in a safe little suburb had not kept the wolves from finding me

and doing their damnedest to destroy me.

I followed the formula and I still ended up heartbroken,

standing firmly with the wild things.

While wandering again in the wilderness, I realized that I felt

more at home than I'd felt in years.

Who should I be? What promise would I trust?

God was an active presence during this time-

speaking to me directly, laughing gently at my tantrums.

'You have lost nothing worth keeping little one' She said.

Be still-and know that I am God.

So I tried to be still and quiet and listen for guidance.

What is the thing that I follow when I'm lost and can't find the ground anymore? 
What remains for me when everything else falls away?

It surprised me to realize that my North Star is basically summed up best by a middle-eastern man a couple of thousand years ago.

Love God (the Divine) with my whole heart.

Love my neighbor as myself.

It's kind of hard to call myself a Christian.

That word means an awful lot of things these days-

few of which reflect the path through the wilderness

or actually embrace all people as valued and beloved.

The Church has become the empire and abused it's power for several millennia.

I don't identify with so much of what our culture calls Christianity

 and in most discussions with professed Christians, 

I get attacked or voted off the island pretty quickly.

But I suppose that I am a Christian in the sense that these words 

are my guideposts and Jesus is my highest teacher
who I believe is an embodiment of the Divine.

I am not a Christian because I dislike other religions, 

because I think everyone else on different paths will burn in hell for eternity, 

or because I think this is the only way.

If I sit down and think about it very hard, 

then I believe that there are many many paths to God.

I think that perhaps I need to never try to out-think God or limit God...

She is most likely unknowable to me in the way that my human brain wants to define Her.

The mystery and magic of God just can't be contained or understood (by me)

 in legalistic systems that limit who's in or who's out.

It feels resoundingly TRUE to me that everybody is in.  

Always.

Them and us.
And even if someone is 'out', I am incredibly unqualified to determine which 
slot a person falls into.

I am not a Christian because Jesus died for me on a hill soaked with the blood of many;

 the imagery and story of the cross is a bloody and violent reminder to me of the

 worst instincts of humanity. 

 Humans consistently want to kill things that scare them-

why does killing God surprise anyone? 

If  you believe that we are made in the image of God, 

then you have to accept that we allow, encourage or condone the defamation

 of that image hourly. 

 If anything, the reminder of the cross draws me towards movements 

like Black Lives Matter and LGBTQ equality.  

Whatever the Empire is so afraid of that it must be murdered must be holy.

I am not a Christian because I want to belong. 

If anything, I think it is important to hold my community loosely.  

It's really easy to be drawn towards comfort and begin to ignore God.  

I have an amazing church family and tribe that walks along side me in this season.  

I know that the mix of that tribe and my own comfort within in it will necessarily 

change.  Nothing on this earth stays the same forever.  

The denomination within which I worship is addressing an important topic-

whether or not LBGTQ brothers and sisters are enough, just as they are.  

I am actively giving grace and practicing patience-

both which are hard for me-as I await the decision. 

It will break my heart to find another place to worship if this denomination 

decides to continue to not welcome these precious brothers and sisters.  

But that is what hearts are for-breaking.  

My family will not sit in comfort and give our time, gifts and service to any 

organization that wants to pretend to do the work of love instead of actually doing it.

I am not a Christian because I want to be wealthy or receive glory-

in this life or any other.  

Choosing a religion that rewards it's members with monetary or social gain 

feels like a pyramid scheme.  

I have to ask myself, who's winning there?  

If those that are poor or less fortunate are receiving punishment for 

something, who was the judge?  

How does that fit in with the broader story? 

 If I take out the symbols of peace and unity and just look at the actions, 

it seems clear that the prosperity gospel is a lie sold to desperate people

 who believe they are inherently bad.  

Do good, get good is not a new idea, is not the good news, 

is not pushing us collectively towards a new idea. 

 It's a social norming idea that has been around for several thousand years

 and is a good first step to taming savages.  

It's not particularly compelling now.

I am not a Christian because I'm hoping to be with all my friends

 on streets paved with gold after I die.  

I have no idea what happens to our souls or energy when we die 

but I have felt my grandmother beside me many years after her death.  

I can connect with the Holy Spirit right now. 

It seems to me that nothing is wasted or consumed.  

That whatever the essence of what we are...it remains. 

 It also seems to me that this earth is (or at least was) a paradise filled with magic. 

 If this life is somehow preparing me for something better, I probably need

 to use my stewardship of this life as a dress rehearsal that matters.  

If I were looking to give someone keys to an amazing kingdom, 

humans are the last race I would give them to.

I am a Christian because I want to keep it simple.  

Simple is not easy-it's actually very very hard.

Loving God and loving people give me serious heartburn on normal days. 
I will be working on these two items right up until my last breath-
which actually excites me to some degree.
I don't need to suss out new tasks or challenges-
Jesus set me the absolute hardest already.
It's chewy work worth doing that will meet me where I am-
every day for the rest of my life.
I am not going to get to the end of it and wonder...what next?
Is that all you want me to do?

I am a Christian because of the here and now,

because we are capable of loving each other and healing

each other and ourselves through these words.

I love God-but not with my whole heart on most days.

There's usually some lust for a coffee and worry

over minutiae that gets in the way.

I love my neighbors about as good as I love myself-

which means that I ignore them, run them into the ground,

forget that they need grace and have

a robust number of ways to criticize them.

I am a Christian because these two bits of direction

have served me better than anything else I've ever heard.

Love God.

Love people.

The End.