IT'S NOT ABOUT ME-SHIFTING PERSPECTIVE

Street are by the incredible @Guscutty

I'm not quite sure if I'm done with talking about triggers.  

It's likely that I have more to share on that specific topic but 

I think it's time to pause for a while.

I feel the urge to take a slight left into another, 

not wholly unrelated tool that's been really helpful for me.

This is another simple concept that is not 

easy to accept-at least not for me.

It's not quite a mantra but it has become a 

touchstone for shifting my own perspective.
It's not about me.
This phrase is not to say that I'm completely unimportant or
or imply that I don't take up space in the world.
It's something I use when I need perspective
that seems impossible to achieve in the face of
damage wrought by someone else.

The choices other people make, are rarely about me.

When I'm tempted to feel angry because of someone else's actions,

I try to remember that it's not personal.

Or I should say...it's not personal to me, it's personal to them.

Humans make choices based on their own needs, wants or experience.

A healthy person might consider other people while making 

choices, they might be able to accurately take into account 

how other people feel or what they need.

The final decision is still ultimately about them-

what feels best to them, what feels ethical or right,

what they understand given the breadth of their personal 

experience with the world.

Unhealthy people or people reacting to triggers are 

not considering the impact of their actions on anyone else.  

They are reacting to their programming.

Even if they are reacting to some mental version of me, 

or some perceived notion of me-

I am not actually inside the person's head causing 

them to behave in certain ways or make certain choices.

It took me a long time to accept this and begin to

 use it to support my own healing.

The answer to everything and the age I was able to use this tool.

One of the things that I need reminding of often

 is how little I can actually impact the behavior of anyone else.

When I'm in pain or afraid, I have a tendency to center 

the discussion around me.

I will try and look backward to measure all the ways that 

I could have avoided this pain,

if I had only been different.

If I had only made different choices, 

worn a different outfit, 

started with a plea for support instead of a sarcastic remark.

If I had shown up early, spoken out, avoided the cracks 

on a sidewalk, tossed salt over my shoulder-

then all of this pain could have been avoided.

This kind of thinking is a lie that attempts to heal my wounds

 by accepting responsibility for someone else's actions

or assigning myself a part in their internal dialogue.

I am not that important.

People injure each other often-

because they don't know how to avoid it, 

because they don't have the tools or knowledge to make any other choice,

because they are hungry or lonely or lost.

I don't think there's any scenario where 

I've been hurt by someone else's choice after

they sat me down, 

asked me for a perspective, and 

then intentionally tried to hurt me.

But there are hundreds of times where I decided

that a friend, family member or abuser intentionally

set out to take my health and happiness.

More @GusCutty work

Here's a faulty connection that is rooted in my own experience.

When I am hurt by the action of someone else, I will often go to this truth

'They didn't think about how that would effect me'.

I will immediately jump to an internal story about 

how I am unimportant or unlovable-

which will lead me to feel rage and frustration or begin to 
negotiate with the superstitious feelings above.

This is a trigger and it needs a pause.

There is something true in this reaction but the whole shebang

doesn't actually hold water once I pause.

That initial thought is true-

'They didn't think about how that would effect me'

but the rest is a mess.

I can choose where I go next-take 

my thoughts in a new direction.

If it wasn't about me, if they didn't even think about me, 
then I was not intentionally injured.
If it wasn't about me, them I am collateral damage-
not the target of a protracted campaign.

That doesn't mean that I'm not hurt, that I'm not angry.

It means that I can think more clearly about myself-

I can spend time focused on my own needs, my own injuries and not

waste time trying to write a story that causes more pain.

Art by my daughter-no website yet

Here's a different way to think of the same thing.

When toddlers throw a tantrum, their arms and legs turn into whirlygigs.

They spin and contort in ways that seem impossible.

They slam their heads into faces, wiggle their little bodies until 
they fall through an embrace,

spew their feelings all over anyone within a ten foot radius.

And yet....healthy parents realize and understand that the 
cause for this behavior is

that the toddler is tired, hungry or over-stimulated.

It's not because they hate the parent or have planned the best possible way to hurt the parent by spending the past two years 
sussing out the tender weaknesses.

Imagine if the parent of a toddler sat down after every tantrum

and decided that the toddler intended to hurt them.

Imagine if the parent then tried to take on responsibility for the machivellian schemes they imagine the child created.

There would be ONLY giant toddlers running

around after a generation or so because no one would model 

a different behavior for the kids.

There would be no time outs, no calm chats over how to make better choices,

no snuggles to comfort or future relationship.

The parent would be scared, angry and afraid of the toddler

because they assigned information to the behavior that wasn't accurate.

The negative behavior is still not acceptable-

but it's not about the parent, not directed to the parent,

and no matter how great a parent you are, there will be tantrums.

Every time I've been abused, hurt or injured by another-

it's not because they intentionally set out to hurt me.

It's because they were unable to even see me.

They forgot (or never knew) that I am a precious, beloved gift of God.

They can't remember that fact about themselves,

how could they possibly remember it about me?

The beginnings of a restored heart (art by me)

I am not that important.

It's not about me.

I worked a long time to get to this understanding.

Maybe this will be helpful to you.

What if that thing that hurt you had nothing to do with you?

What if that time someone broke their word, stomped all over your boundaries-

what if that was because of something within them?

What if the blow of those hits you've been taking are 
compounded by your own perspective.

What if you weren't that important, what if everything wasn't about you?

What choices would you make then?