Thursday, September 15, 2016

Great Expectations

Have a seat.  
Breathe deeply.  
These are things that my heart needs reminding of often.  
But today, I was reminded more viscerally than usual.  

There are some people floating around the world who expect lots of things from me.  I am just going to call them the EXPECTORS as short hand.  There's more than one of them and most (though not all) are related to me in one way or another. I am so much better than I used to be about these trigger happy folks.  But every now and then I almost play Russian roulette with their bullets.



Here are some of their bullets:


Act like a ....
Honor your ....
Pretend that we are...
Come to ...
Let me move in with you
Give me money
Save me from myself
Help me continue my fantasy
Tell me my drinking isn't hurting anyone
Tell me it's ok that I hate myself
Agree with me that those people are less than
Listen while I spew hatred towards people you love
Better yet, join in on the spew so we can really bond
SEE ME!
MAKE ME MATTER!


They never ask what I want, what would be best for me...they just insist INSIST INSIST that I am supposed to do what they think is best.  

See what I mean.
That requires some pause.
and some Dolly.

That's actually how I've learned to recognize a bullet.
It is aimed at me, meant for me but...it's about THEM.
It's their pain wrapped in shrapnel with a charge attached for big impact.


Usually the EXPECTORS use some form of scripture to support their beliefs.  
I love the WORD.
I can't EVEN when the WORD gets twisted.
But that's a longer story that brings out more bullets.


I have learned to let these things pass through me.  
Mostly.


All of this makes sense from their perspective.  
They really believe that what is best is what they are asking from me.  

Today was a really good day.  
I turned bullets into lessons.
Tomorrow, one might clip me-it's ok.
I can do hard things.
I was...in fact...MADE to do exactly this thing.
And if I get clipped, I will sit with my pain and learn the things I am supposed to learn.
I will say thank you to the pain.

Today I remembered that we all have lessons.
We are all children of the Creator.
What shows up is what we need to heal and do this work.

Rock on mama.





No comments: