I've said before on this blog that my life fell apart
a few years ago and refused to be put back together
in the same configuration.
The short hand version is that my marriage
was over - every vow broken, every simplistic understanding
of the life we thought we had together was shattered.
We had two kids, a mortgage, and retirement plans-
our whole adult lives were built around each other.
It seemed reasonable at the time to expect that
these structures would have enough substance
and heft to keep us on track.
None of it did.
Within days, our life together
dissolved like cotton candy in water.
Poof. What now?
I haven't gone into details too much about what I consider
'our' combined story.
I can barely report on my own feelings, experience and
a few sparse facts-much less try and represent another person's
in a way that still respects our psychological safety.
Those early days and weeks after the dissolution
were so lonely.
As we slowly pulled through the detritus of our life
together, we mourned the lack of community or
role models in this area.
No one talks about
what to do once you've managed to
destroy what our culture sees as the defining
relationship of adulthood.
When they do, it's typically in a sensationalist way.
Kick him to the curb.
Take her for all she's worth.
Figure out which of you is the villain,
or at least THE MOST guilty of fault
and then set that person's life on fire.
What if you don't want to destroy the other person?
What if you want to try and understand
what went wrong and how you contributed to it?
What if you would like an example of
maturity, accountability and grace?
That is almost impossible to find in media
and while I'm sure they exist in real life
-no one talks about it.
After the dust settled, we eventually realized
that we could be that very thing
we needed so much in the early days - an example of
a different way to navigate the breakdown of a marriage.
We shared our willingness to help support
anyone else in our community with our pastors
and a few other trusted advisors and that
recently culminated in a podcast for our church.
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| The Peak Church actively works to connect those disconnected. |
Thank you to everyone who's taken the time to
touch base with us and give us feedback.
While I'm grateful for the support,
there's a theme that keeps coming up in the commentary
we're getting and I want to make sure that I'm
not complicit in another kind of fairytale.
I am forever anti-fairytale and I just can't
relax thinking that I might have given anyone
the impression that we're trying to perpetuate one.
#quitting
A couple of people have commended us on staying married.
Almost as if the legal corporate structure of our
relationship remaining intact is a major consideration
in the validity of our story.
Something along the lines of:
Wow! That was a lot of pain and anguish
you guys went through but since you stayed
married, you must have really figured some stuff out!
or
All of that mess was worth it ultimately b/c you didn't get divorced.
or
Way to keep your promise to God!
I'm sorry if we gave you the impression
that we somehow deserve an award for
not getting legally divorced.
In our hearts and minds-we did get one.
We broke our covenant with each other
and with GOD.
We didn't honor, didn't cherish, didn't stay true to any of
the naive concepts we promised to each other on our wedding day.
We rejected each other and
sometimes actively sought to hurt the other in the name of
our own desires, unresolved trauma or needs.
We own those hurts, have begged for and
given each other forgiveness for them,
and agreed to start something new now that
we're more mature versions of husband and wife.
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| #tea |
This year we'll have known and been in relationship
with each other
for quarter of a century.
Some of that unmarried,
some of it within two different types of covenants
-one we understood only after we broke it,
-one we agreed to in detail and commit to daily.
At this point, I can say with a high degree of certainty
that we will always consider each other family.
We will dance with each other at our children's weddings.
We will laugh with our grandchildren
and celebrate each other for the rest of
our time in this plane.
I will always cheer for him and he will always cheer for me.
I don't have any value placed on the number of years
since we were incorporated as a legal entity.
We may stay legally married.
We may not.
It is frankly-irrelevant.
I'm being pretty clinical; unromantic.
I'm doing that on purpose.
We do not measure our relationship together
by the number of years we have been in service together.
There is no retirement package,
no gold pen or promotion that we're holding out for.
If we have any measurement,
it's how well is each of us thriving (individually)
and how much our combined support of each other
can improve the other person.
How care-filled can I be towards myself?
How care-filled can I be towards my partner?
Is there room for the Divine/God/Mystery to work between us and on us?
We hold all of those things with equal weight in the
balancing of the books.
I want to say it again so I can eradicate
any romantic or flowery notions.
If we thought we would thrive better divorced,
if we thought we would be better served by separation,
we would make that happen.
That is not a failure nor does it diminish
what we mean to each other.
Make no mistake-our story together is a love story.
Our relationship is incredibly precious to us
and is a source of stability, growth, and delight.
No matter what, the story that our
individual lives tell and the story of our shared
life together is beautiful-
chock full of deep love and commitment,
free of shame and lies.
But we have learned the hard way that
fairytales make it fragile.
Happily ever after doesn't live here anymore
but the seeds of it need to be continually stomped out if we want to
remain healthy and committed.
So if you are tempted to think that we've got it together
because we've stayed together
I want to make sure I'm clear that isn't our story.
Don't make an altar to us in the name of marriage
and for goodness sake don't decide that we're in any way
opposed to divorce or have any qualification to
evaluate another relationship.
Finally, if you are ever in need of a connection
to discuss the complicated dance generically called marriage-
we are delighted to listen, unqualified to judge anyone
and have enough experience to understand
very little.
You know where to find us.
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