TURNING STICKS INTO GAUGES (Moving Myself Gently)

As someone who spent a lot of my educational years in labs,

the idea that something can be exactly right (or wrong)

has always held a certain appeal.

In labs, specifics are vitally important

to getting the experiment right.

Being precise, moving within the 

strictly outlined parameters,

and taking exact readings of the situation

are just basic perspectives of any scientist.

But in my own life,

especially in the voice in my head,

nothing good has ever come from having some hard and fast line

against which to measure myself.

From the number of pounds I weigh

to the dollars in my paycheck-

if I'm using hard numbers to somehow 

measure myself, it's sure to turn out badly.

And yet, for years I used measurements to be sure 

that I was somehow keeping myself in check.  

Whenever I felt anxious, I could dig deep 

and find a metric that would ensure my overall

success/happiness/safety if I just managed to achieve it.

Once I targeted that metric, I'd use my drill sergeant voice

to get myself back on track.

I beat myself back into submission until the next time 

I somehow didn't measure up.

a random stoplight in New York State from my summer road trip

I mentioned here that I took a very long road trip this summer 

and I had several revelations, including that I needed to get back

into therapy to support my mental health.
Another of those was that I needed to really pay attention 

to my physical health because many things were very off.

The old way I used to do this was through

my internal drill sergeant to break out the measuring sticks

so I could figure out exactly how far off the mark I was

and then get back within the lines.

The therapist and I agree:  that method is not good for me anymore.

It is important to me that I speak peace to myself

as the method by which I get back on track.

Until recently, I didn't really have a tool with which to do that.

I think and breathe in metaphor-

if you don't know this by now I don't know what

you think has been happening here.

This situation is no different.

The drill sergeant/measuring stick metaphor had to go 

and that meant it was time for a new one.

 Like many of my most useful ideas,

this one came to me while talking and walking with my spouse.

He was talking about something automotive

and since that is boring as all hell not my interest

my mind started wandering.

 I thought about the gauges on a car dash.

I have no idea what RPMs my car normally putters around at,

how much oil is needed for proper engine running,

or frankly what most of the gauges that I start at

every time I drive mean.

But if I ever see the needle up in the red

on any of those gauges I'll take action.

Even better, they're kind of designed to keep you from freaking out

unless you really need to do something.

They help you know that you're functioning mostly in the 

acceptable range for the car

AND they also make it clear when you're dipping into something

that isn't recommended for the machine as designed.

I began to wonder if that was a metaphor that would work

for me to approach this physical body.

Instead of focusing on a specific target or detailed data,

I've could try to stay in terms of red/yellow/green.

That sounds kind of simplistic

but it was really quite easy to begin with.

All of the gauges were buried in the red.

my daughter is a talented artist- this one is titled 'anxiety'

It will not surprise anyone who knows me that I took 

the opportunity of the pandemic 
to hit an all time record on ways to ignore 

the basic requirements of this body that I live in.  
I fought a weak and tepid fight for a few months-

attempting to work out daily using slightly adjusted tools.  

Attempting to draw boundaries around the start and end of my day.  
Attempting to keep some kind of structure with eating, sleeping, moving.  
And at some point, I forgot to care and just gave up.
On sleep.
On vitality.
On eating anything with nutrient value.
On moving.

I'm not exaggerating.
I was very successful at turning into a person who stares into the computer 
like it's the source of all my salvation with eyes that rarely blinked.
I had a slow slide into pod-person-hood.  
I wanted to just keep tripping down the endless zoom calls 

clinging tightly to that skinny connection with other humans.  
When that void wasn't filled, I found covid dashboards to watch

 and political news to mine through.  

Each day in an effort to retreat from all that ambiguity, 

I'd inevitably end up reading fanfiction or trolling reddit until 3am.  

All gauges were redlined by any objective measure.

semi-ironic advice from a Starbucks wall

But how to get the needle moving in the other direction?

For a while that felt almost impossible

to even contemplate.

So I decided to focus on just one of the gauges and see

if moving it out of redline had an impact on the others.

Sleep was the place I started and I gradually moved it from red

to orange and then a kind of puce green.

A few weeks after working on sleep

I bought a very basic fitbit and only

used it to see if I had hit or passed 10,000 steps.

More than that was mostly ignored.

Less than that meant dancing in the kitchen,

jogging in place while I watch my favorite rugby teams or

going for a walk on the greenway by my house until 

I felt the buzz.

I'm not back in the gym doing crazy weights

but I am really happy to say that

I'm moving my body every single day

and I actually enjoy the methods by which I do it.

The last area I've paid attention to is eating.

Eating has been such a complicated area for me.

But I think I've finally found a method that keeps me

from obsessing about it (calories, nutritional content, macros)

and allows me to just gauge how I feel.

I have a window in the day where I eat (usually noon-8pm).
I try to focus on getting a lot of veggies in that window 

but I also don't restrict or forbid anything.
I've noticed that I'm spending less time ruminating about what 

I might eat or could eat or should eat.
I just try and give myself the food that feels joyful for that day.

doughnut gauges from Portland Maine

I'm proud that I'm back on track towards physical health 

but I'm more proud of this shift from measuring sticks to gauges.
I have always been much more care-filled for other than people than for myself.
The pandemic forced me to be with myself so much, 

it's almost like I had to have any friends at all,

I'd definitely have to include myself in the party.

It seems really simple but I 
am starting to think of it as something truly radical.
I have proven to myself how much I can harm myself.
Again and again and again.
But over the past 6 months, I've started to prove to myself 

that I'm capable of something else.
Sitting still and listening to what is happening inside of me.
Taking care of myself as the first steps of my day

instead of the last fringes of energy.

This gauge metaphor may or may not be useful to you.

You might have some really strong reasons to keep

hitting yourself with sticks

or you might be one of the lucky few

who never raised a hand in harm to yourself.

I love hearing about tools and tricks 

that make a difference with real people's

actual lives so feel free to let me know what works for you.

slow as you go, anyway you measure it