On the Road Again (THOUGHTS ON THERAPY)

I love to drive.  Absolutely love it.

The promise of a destination and the sense of freedom has 

pulled me out onto the road many many times.

It's not just long trips though-any time I'm driving

in the car I experience a kind of zen.

I might be singing or listening to a podcast 

but my brain is processing all kinds of things

that just don't come to the forefront any other time

(I hear that some people have this experience in the shower)

 I didn't realize how essential that time 

in between was for my brain to make sense

of all the things that happened through the day

until the pandemic brought the world to a halt.

I've missed being in the car and getting my small

daily dose of shuffling things around to their proper

place and size within my psyche.

I recently completed a road trip to Maine and back 

with my best girl (my daughter) which
came home with some unexpected benefits..
In addition to spending time with friends and family along the way

 up and down the east coast,
I had an abundance of driving time-2,000 miles of it.
On the last leg home, I realized I'd somehow, 

without actually focusing on it, 

figured out many messages that my soul 

has been trying to say

 to me for the past few months 

about my own health and well-being.
One of those  messages was:  It's time to get back into therapy.
So I did.  I am.
Back in therapy.

Why does this matter to you?  
It may not and that's totally ok.

However, I have a lot of framily

that struggles with the optics of therapy.

They feel squishy or anxious at the thought

of therapy and what it might mean about the kind of 

person who enters into it.

So I figured I could share a little bit about my experience

and maybe normalize therapy as a tool for those unfamiliar.

As someone who wasn't parented particularly well,

I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what

it means to be an adult.

I've been lucky in some ways because I've been able to

be objective about defining maturity.

One of my personal definitions around adulting

is that it means using healthy tools to to get my needs met

instead of using unhealthy tools.

Examples of unhealthy tools are anything that ends in 'ism'.

Workaholism, alcoholism, perfectionism, etc.

Other unhealthy tools might be performing instead of connecting,

over/under eating instead of nourishing,

and distraction instead of focus.

But often we've been using these tools for so long

and they are so wrapped up in our identify or

our sense of belonging

that it's almost impossible to pull them apart on our own.

Which is when therapy can be an excellent addition

to your toolkit.

When your coping mechanisms aren't effective

at getting your needs met, therapy can

help you chart a different course.

I've been to therapy three times in my life.

Every single time I've come out stronger,

more capable and resilient than when I went in.

As far as I'm concerned, it's a win/win.

I am not having a breakdown or a meltdown 

or experiencing a beat down.
I'm making sure that I have the skills to live a healthy, happy life.

I've taken my car to a capable, certified mechanic

and we're going to figure out together

why some of these systems aren't firing

exactly as the Creator intended.

You know people in therapy right now.

You know people who have been in therapy before

or will be in therapy in the future.

Not everyone is comfortable talking about.

Not everyone will announce it.

But they are sitting right beside you

or staring lovingly into that zoom camera

or waiting to hug you at the next available opportunity.

Why don't you just {insert coping mechanism more socially accepted than therapy}?

I hear people saying they don't need therapy A LOT.

And the reasons they don't need therapy are myriad but often

sound like deflections to someone who's actually been in therapy.

While chatting with your girlfriends, a glass of wine, 

spending time with a pet, working out, self-help and praying

can all be tools in a healthy, happy life....

they are not tools that reach the same places that therapy does.

This is not an either/or equation.

You can do all of the above and still not touch the 

areas that you will find in therapy.

Why is that?

I'm not a therapist so I don't really know.

My experience is that there are a couple of main factors that make

therapy successful.

The first is the connection the therapist has with you

which is unique and unlike most other relationships.

While you do talk in therapy, this is not a warm hearted chat

filled with support and clichés.

Even if my therapist is a great conversationalist,

they are looking for the themes that can unlock doors that I

shut years ago.

They don't have a vested interest in me liking them

or coming to thanksgiving dinner.

They are a focused expert who will target the

areas in my life that I identify aren't working for me.

It can be uncomfortable and frustrating.

I have moments where I don't like my therapist.

And moments where I feel that they are wrong

(they might be) or have glossed over what matters.

Because I am not actually friends with them,

it is sometimes easier to tell them where something

isn't quite landing with me.

Because they are not friends with me,

they can counter with a different perspective.

Because they are trained and professional-

they know when to push and when to let it go.

The second is that I will often reveal more

of what is actually bothering me

(rather than what is socially acceptable or has been 

normed by my backstory)

with a neutral third party than I would ever

reveal with someone with whom I needed to maintain

a social relationship.

It doesn't work for every problem.

But for the problems it is designed to address, it is invaluable.

And another reason is because they are bound by ethics and confidentiality.

They cannot disclose anything I tell them.

Therapy is a sacred, holy space.

They will be gentle with my truth.

If they are not, there are mechanisms to report the violation.

A bad therapist is possible but doesn't

represent the whole profession.

At any rate,

I'm back in therapy.

It's awesome.

And terribly annoying.

I hate it.

The same way that I hate working out.

The results are going to be glorious

and profound.

Eventually.