TRUST ME (LUNCH ON GOD)

Today I had lunch on God.

Or at least someone was invited to the same place and time as me by God.

There's a really long story and explanation for how I allowed that to happen 

but I'm not sure it will make sense without a little preamble.

I've been back in school since August of last year.

First a semester at Cornell to get a High Performance Leadership Certificate

and now with Raleigh Coaching Academy to learn how to 

professionally coach leaders from a place of authenticity.

As part of the second training, I spend quite a bit of time coaching and being coached.

We're working on format and technique but the topics 
we use to elucidate those are real topics.
Let me just pause and give this program a little plug:

Even if I never coach someone professionally again

the personal benefit of the constant coaching sessions alone

is worth the tuition and commitment.
I am becoming more authentic myself by practicing this technique.

Time and time again when I'm in going through coaching sessions as the client,

the thematic challenge I'm trying to avoid solving is my lack of trust in myself.
I don't have this lack of trust when I'm focused on everyone else's paper.
If I'm working with someone else,
including absolute strangers,
I have no trouble feeling for the thread of intuition
and then pulling it gently along.
It's only when I am focused on my path,
my truth, my needs or my wholeness that it becomes an issue.
I get a sort of stage fright when my work is on the line
and it stalls me until I have no where left to thrash about.

I want to know the whole story first,

I want to have all the money saved, all the kids launched into the world.

I want to be sure there's not a different ending I could choose,
a different hat that might feel more comfortable than my own.

If the path feels obvious and true for my next step,
I suddenly switch from a zen master to a master skeptic.

I poke and prod the directions, cross-check against everyone else's map 
and gather market data to be as certain as possible that my 
instinct and intuition is right.

I will eventually take the step that is mine and mine alone
but not without unnecessary suffering.

It's as if I feel I need to earn the trust through pain or discomfort.
Like it's not real if it I don't struggle for it.

What does life look like for someone who trusts herself?

It's not something that I understand apparently 
and as the boss of me, I find that unacceptable.

So I'm learning how to trust myself, for my own benefit, from the ground up.

First efforts on this lesson yielded really solid results.

 I've trusted that there will be a parking spot or a table when I need it.

Or that the new restaurant I'm going to will have food that will nourish my body.
Without fail, this has worked.
I trust, the universe delivers.
Parking spot opens up just as I come into the lot.
Restaurant has a seat right where I need to be.
These early successes made me brave.

This weekend, I was in coaching class for 3 solid days
 but had a challenging personal situation come up that caused me to sleep poorly.

On Saturday morning, I showed up to class frazzled, 
in my head and unable to focus.

Every doubt I ever had was seeping into my thoughts 
and my confidence was no where to be found.

During our lunch break, I cranked up my headphones and sang while 
walking around the busy brunch crowd of downtown Raleigh.
Yep.  It looked exactly like you imagine it did I'm sure.
Just another Karen, clomping around wailing along to music 
no one else can hear.

When I came to an intersection, 
I walked whichever way the cross-walk allowed, 
without worrying whether or not it was further or closer to my destination.

For an hour I danced with strangers who grooved good-naturedly to my singing, 
encountered fuzzy doggos and didn't worry about 
whether or not I was good enough.

At the exact time I was due back to class, 
I looked up at the door of the building-

rested, restored and beloved.

Out of my head and into my heart.

The afternoon session was holy.

I was able to show up, feel the path forward and expand my skills.

I started the day feeling one way and I changed my story.

By trusting myself to let go of control.

What in the holy hell?

So today, I decided to try it again.

Trust in myself, in the universe, in God-

to give me what I need and to show me the path to take.
After coaching weekends,

I like to process the information from class which usually involves

re-reading, sorting and framing my notes to solidify the experience.

I could have gone to my usual local coffee shop -or even an unusual local one.

There are at least 10 within 10 minutes that would suit the purpose.

But I decided to make room for possibility, to pause and see what came through.

And I ultimately decided to go to my hometown.

I remembered a cute little coffee shop from the last time I was here in October 

for my nephew's birthday party and I always enjoy the little downtown

more than the rest of my family does.

When I got here, I was greeted by this sign:

After about two hours of work, I decided to go grab lunch.

I wasn't quite sure where to go because Monday 

can be a sketchy day in the restaurant world.

When I came out of the coffee shop, there was a new sign beside the first one.

Which reminded me of a place I used to take my grandma 
on our monthly lunch excursions.

I thought I might feel a little bit of her if I popped in for some 

ham laced green beans or a couple of onion rings.
It's a place that is always overrun with locals at lunch
because the food is both good and cheap.

When I got there, the first lunch rush was done and 
almost all the tables were seated or needed busing.

I stood at the door with a bunch of people in a confusing jumble.
I was surveying the scene and trying to decide how to navigate the chaos-
so I asked a few people what they were doing.
Three people were in line to pay.

One guy was waiting for take-out.

The other guy said he was waiting on a one seater...
unless I wanted to share a booth?

I thought that would be ok...after all, he had a book and I had a book.

Worst case, we'd clam up and dig into our reading.

Except we didn't.

Meet Caspar-my blind date from God.

Caspar and I have been friends for years-without ever meeting before today.

The first personal thing Caspar told me was that he had just turned seventy.

I congratulated him on his nice round number and 
he proudly said that it takes courage to get old.

The next thing he said was that he always wonders 
about when you come to a T intersection and you could go either way.

You go left and you meet a person with a dog and then they become your best friend.

What would have happened if you went right?

And speaking of left, did you know his politics were left of Mother Teresa?

He became a democrat at 13 when they shot JFK.  

JFK seemed like a pretty good guy so if someone killed him to shut him up, 

maybe he was up to something good.

He said everything loudly with his teeth sitting somewhat haphazardly in his mouth.

I should say....almost everyone I know who lives in my hometown still 

have politics that lean just right of Rush Limbaugh
but Caspar was unconcerned that someone might feel unappreciated by him.

He wore an army hat covered in cat hair and a faded tie-dyed OBX t-shirt.

(He doesn't give a shit about the outer banks, just likes the tie-dye.)

Before we ordered I knew that he was born in Tennessee and moved to Iowa as a baby.

He's still mad at his family for taking him out of the south 

but he got back as soon as he could.

He landed in Chapel Hill looking for a buddy after the Vietnam war.

He didn't know his buddy's phone or address but 
Chapel Hill in the 70s was a small town.

He sat on a wall and talked to everyone who walked by until 

he found someone who knew his buddy.

He decided after a couple of hours with such friendly people that he'd like to stay.

Caspar came to lunch at this place on a whim today.

Except I know he came to eat lunch with me.

It took us three visits from the waitress to finally be ready to order.

When our food came, Caspar snatched up the ticket.

I said...I was going to treat you today!

He said...you young people are too slow.  I've got it.  

After all, I've just received some good fortune and I need to pay it forward.
I said I would pay it forward too and his face lit up 
like a teacher who's pupil just learned a hard lesson.
This happened again and again through lunch.

Caspar and I were both blessed with unconventional, outspoken grandparents.

He's visited all 50 states and lived in 15 of them.

He doesn't have children, 
at least he's pretty sure he doesn't because if he did, 

he thinks he'd sense them out in the world and 
he doesn't feel anyone connected in that way.

I told him about my recent ancestry results and
 that I was 100% viking sheepherder.

He snorted into his mashed potatoes and 
told me about a farmer's daughter he dated for a while 
who was a beautiful simpleton and whom he was glad 
he didn't have any potential kids with
(although it was apparently a close call).

He wanted to know about my kids and my husband-

who are they, what are they about.
He asked me insightful questions and remembered their names.

Neither of us understand why people make simple things so hard, 

or intentionally refuse to understand more complicated things.

He's a lifelong smoker who really wants to quit.

He's got a lot of cats and a girlfriend of 25 years who never needs
 to worry about him trying to control her so long as 
she doesn't start hollering at him if she's frustrated.

Right before we parted, he looked troubled for just a minute.
What was it I wanted to say.....OH I KNOW!
I've got one more gift for you!

You're a music lover right? 
Country music ok?

Look up this artist-she's a lovely girl and you're really going to like her.
She was on one of those shows a few years back.
You don't watch those?
Oh well, you didn't miss much.
Listen to these 3 songs. 
You took notes in that little computer thing right?
Those 3 songs.  Don't forget. 

You're going to need them.

I left my new friend with a high five because he's not really a hugger.

Got in my car, drove 5 blocks and pulled over sobbing.

What in the actual fuck?
Do you get a sense of it?
The pure rhythm and flow of our conversation?
The laughter and love that two strangers gave and received?
I cannot express adequately how up-ending this interaction was.
Because it was so totally fluid and great.
And because it was unplanned, uncontrolled and absurd.
I was checking to make sure he was there the whole time.
Making sure the waitress looked at him and talked to him.
Watching other patrons interact with him occasionally.
There was part of me that felt profoundly crazy-
maybe I was having a stroke or something.
I asked Caspar for a picture so I could introduce him to my husband.
By this point, Caspar wanted to talk to Kris too....
but since he was at work, a picture would have to do. 
You probably know by now that I was really taking the picture 
to prove that Caspar was real.
If Kris could see the picture, then at least I didn't make the whole thing up.

Look at what happens when you trust the magic to come through.

How could I have planned that?

What if I'd talked myself out of it?

What if I'd turned right instead of left?

What if I'd just stayed home because I had work to do?


Here's something I trust:

I met my Creator today.

In the crinkles of Caspar's eyes

and the giggles we shared.
In the messages all around.
In the flowers and the smiles of strangers
and in the work of my life.