 |
| Art by @HoneyBeanArt |
Like most humans, I love to pretend I am more evolved than I actually am.
There are lots of things that I can focus on to distract us both from the fact
that I am at my core an animal
living an experience that invites simplistic, surface emotions easily.
When I say surface emotions, I'm not talking about nuanced
feelings like gratitude or overwhelm.
I'm talking about fear, anger, or surprise.
The sharp quick ones that happen without a conscious choice or discernment;
the ones that bypass all civility or electrify me like my own mini bug zapper.
In spite of years of therapy and a lifetime of study
rage is my most readily available surface emotion.
It's there, waiting just under the surface.
A prehistoric behemoth of a reptile that is always ready for interaction,
starving for a target, vigilant in it's service of my tender heart.
There have been seasons of my life where this guardian
has very rightfully terrified me.
My anger left unchecked can be a terrible, destructive thing.
Combined with grief or betrayal, it burns so bright that everything else
gets hard to see in the burnout.
I was taught that anger is not feminine,
not safe, not justified, and just plain tacky.
The right emotion for me to have was fear,
preferably in the form of a graceful swoon
or a cute little squeak.
If I had to endure anger,
I should channel it into revenge (don't get mad, get even).
The world can tolerate clever revenge or petty jealousy
infinitely more than an angry woman.
For a very long time,
I tried to fit myself into this definition of a good woman and
pretend that anger wasn't always along for the ride.
I tried very hard to sink it down deep into the mud of the swamp;
to kill it with kindness or drown it in excuses.
Which is why my anger would often leap right out of my mouth
in a surprise sneak attack that went right for the jugular of my target.
Through therapy, I've learned to make peace with this guardian;
not just understand it but love it, respect it, and cherish the gifts it brings.
I've learned to accept that the source of anger
is often rooted in the Holy Spirit
and that wisdom pays attention to the cage rattling.
I have learned that there's always a reason for her to show up
and if I can follow the breadcrumbs to the lesson,
if I can sit with myself or the catalyst that makes me angry,
then I will find something very interesting in her invitation.
An invitation to what though?
A younger me assumed that all anger was an invitation to an argument.
This is actually false information and an immature perspective
but it can take a long while to see that.
There are more kinds of shindigs than an outright brawl
and not much ever gets resolved in an argument anyway.
Just more hurt feelings as people slog away at each other
and react to the surface without investing in the core.
Anger does not have to be an invitation to a fight.
In fact, if that's the only move you know
you'll stay on the surface forever
without getting to the underlying messages.
No matter how angry I get now,
I don't fight with people.
So if we're not taking anger to a fight, then where is it inviting us?
Anger is often inviting us to see what is broken or hurt.
Anger points the way to the throbbing injury
so that we can see what we would sometimes prefer to ignore.
We take all that energy and sometimes are so uncomfortable with it
that we pass it along and use it to hurt others.
If we can follow the breadcrumbs though,
we'll find something that can heal us.
 |
| The brilliant and wise Austin Channing Brown says it best -Check out th Evolving Faith Podcast. |
Here's an example that I suspect is prevalent right now
unless you're one of those zen masters who avoid social media
in which case this will be totally lost on you.
Bless your heart. Go with God.
I am very vocally anti-racist.
I am this way IRL
and I am this way on social media.
It's not a new thing for me but in the past few months
there has been a lot more
opportunity to show the fruits of our racist system and
point out how we are all contributing actively to that system.
You can also find pictures of my kids, inspirational quotes,
memes that fit my odd sense of humor and ALOT of gardening information.
Said differently-my social media presence reflects me, my values,
my heart, and sometimes just the things I f*ck around doing.
Me posting content provided by
black scholars or activists IS NOT NEW.
I have been here for it and will be here for it.
On social media, I very intentionally share information that
I hope supports people who are being harmed
and also keeps a conversation going.
I know that silence in the face of active suffering is violence-
maybe a more terrible kind of violence than the actual harm that is intended.
I will not be silent in the face of someone else being hurt-
by a person, a system, a loved one, or a group.
Waking up to the ways we contribute to systems of oppression
is haaaaard, forever work.
I'm not trying to make anyone feel shame or disown large swaths of people.
I love and am in relationship with a lot of people
who got programmed with some pretty racist ideas
way back when.
I can definitely hold space
for people who are all across that spectrum of growth.
My grandparents freely used racist labels-
AS DID ALMOST EVERYONE OF THEIR DAY.
I do not love them less because of it.
AND
I cannot use those same racist labels,
without understanding
how poor their legacy would be within me,
how much I would be letting them down to do so.
I'm not trying to say that I'm perfect here.
I definitely screw up and miss opportunities.
I have said things, done things, or imagined things
that required an apology from my current self.
I have biases that I have to understand and undermine constantly.
Racism is evil and pervasive and foundational to the American experience.
To deny it is to allow it to continue and to be complicit in it's evil.
(See, I got all fired up. It only took a few short sentences).
In the past few weeks I've had lots of extended family
dropping videos into my DMs on social media.
They are on lots of topics but one we can focus on is
the flavor where a black person is decrying the Black Lives Matter movement.
These videos are usually people who make their living by being
'personalities' of some sort-
comedians, instagrammers, influencers but not always.
Sometimes they are just a man in his car talking about how
he loves everyone and wants everyone to get along.
They are usually insisting that 'all lives matter'
or that they don't want their white friends to feel bad.
All people are entitled to their own opinions and black people are not a monolith.
Of course there are black people who don't agree with the BLM movement.
I don't agree with everything every white woman says either.
That doesn't mean that the white woman saying she must submit
to her husband because her preacher tells her to
gets to justify all domestic violence for the rest of us.
That's just not how that works.
Or at least it's not how it should work in a world where
people love each other.
At any rate, the people sending me these videos are extended family
who love the confederate flag or hate the democrats
or think every.damn.thing. is some conspiracy to attack them personally.
It's fine, I'm used to some amount of this.
It's just usually out in public-in front of the rest of their friends
and our family.
Where I can respond with something like this:
Except lately these videos have pissed me off.
And I was honestly struggling to figure out why
until I paid attention to the invitation.
See, these videos are not from people who have conversations with me.
The people sending them haven't bothered to check in with my family in months-
maybe years-
unless it was something centered on them.
If they need something or feel owed,
then suddenly they remember where the phone number or the email address is written.
The couldn't tell you anyone's birthday in this house,
when they were last sick,
our dogs' names or our favorite past times.
They do not have a relationship with a single soul here.
But they feel entitled to privately message me
a video.
When I asked for context, the senders couldn't
or wouldn't provide any.
They didn't want to talk through why this video spoke to them personally
or how it might apply to me.
They just wanted to ding-dong ditch some lazy,
racist content into my inbox.
For me to deal with and provide my own context
about their intentions and perspective.
 |
| What did I learn from anger? (This is an actual to-do list for work that I no longer understand) |
Anger showed up for me here so that
I can understand more fully my relationship to these people.
I am not real to them.
I do not matter to them in the way a whole person would matter.
I am an idea to swat at for fun.
But that's not all.
These people also think launching videos and memes
at people is a replacement for connection.
That this kind of passive aggressive communication
will somehow stand-in for time together.
Or maybe it's like the abuse and trauma many of us suffered-
maybe they were hit in this way so many times
that they think I'll see it as a love tap.
Hit me back it seems to say-but harder so I know you mean it!
The thing is-that might have worked.
After all, I've had my fair share of abusive relationships.
If there were anything else in that mix
that showed a personal connection or empathy-
I just might use that as a bridge back to some sort of shared humanity.
The invitation didn't stop there though.
Anger showed me how sad life must be for someone to justify
sending a virtual stranger multiple poorly edited rants as a token of their attention.
How afraid or confused someone must be for those
items to represent their viewpoint.
How overwhelmed someone has be to confuse a
soundbite with truth or love.
I've been all these places at some point and I'll probably be there again.
This invitation from anger was welcome.
I appreciate knowing where I stand with people.
I appreciate knowing who values me and who doesn't.
I'm also curious about what matters to people
and what pulls them.
I appreciate understanding loneliness and sadness with a new lens.
It's never wasted to gain new insight-
even or especially when it breaks my heart open a little more.
I used to wish that therapy and work meant that I could
change my most readily available surface emotion.
I really wanted a different one than the one I got,
wanted to be someone I'm not.
I have finally learned to love myself and it has allowed me to love my neighbor.
Even the ones that I don't like.
Even the ones that don't value me, my opinion or believe I should have agency.
Even the ones that are ashamed and terrified.
Frustration (for me) is the invitation.
Maybe it's also an invitation for you-
What fights have you been invited to but declined?
What insights have you learned when you got really pissed off?
I'd love to hear about your journey-in your own words please.
Not through random videos of strangers in my DMs.
No comments:
Post a Comment