KUNG FU FIGHTING PART 2- RECOGNIZE YOUR TRIGGER RESPONSE

 Disclaimer:  I am not a therapist or qualified in any formal way.  I am sharing information gleaned from my own experience in the hopes that it will benefit someone else.   If this topic resonates with you, find a qualified professional to help you navigate your stuff.  

This is the second installation on the topic of triggers.  

You can see the first installation here.

My therapist gave me a direct, clear piece of information

 that I feel compelled to share with others:

You cannot control that you are triggered.

You can only control how you react to the trigger.

Like all wisdom from a sage, this tip felt so profound 
and obvious-until I tried to apply it.  

When I'm reacting to a trigger...how do I control the reaction?
Isn't my reaction immediate and innate?
How do I stop the response?
How do I even know it's a trigger response?
I've realized that this advice is simple, but not necessarily easy.
The key for me to be able to control or change my reaction
has come in learning to recognize the reaction-
even after the fact- 
so that I can begin to shift my response.

How do I recognize a trigger?
I used to think of triggers as events that result exclusively 
in dramatic, over the top moments.
You know...screaming, running out of the room or hiding in the closet.
Panic attacks definitely qualified but I wasn't sure about anything else.
Strong, visible reactions are the easiest kind to label but 
they are not the only kind of trigger reaction.
Most of my trigger reactions are nearly invisible
because they're buried under years of socially acceptable masks.
If I'm wondering if a reaction was a trigger response,
I check to see if if falls into a few specific categories.

Triggers always direct me to do one or more of these things:

Fight, flight, hide.

If I'm doing one of these things in my normal life, 
then can be pretty sure there was a trigger that got twinged.
Fighting, fleeing and hiding are not normal responses 
in my peacetime world so they often don't show up in an expected way.
I've had to learn to ferret them out and re-frame 
the way I label certain responses so that I can work on them.
I can't change what I won't accept-but many of my trigger 
responses are just ugly.
Looking at them has been hard.
Claiming them as a choice has been brutal.
And worth it.

Fight

This is my go-to response for most triggers.
I am not a physically violent person.  
I'm not inclined to throw dishes or punch people.

However, my go to response can be just as damaging
to the people I care about if I am not aware of my own behavior.

My fight response tends to come out of my mouth.

I can (and will) go for the metaphorical jugular of my target

and I may not stop until someone is looking at me like I have
three heads or like they might cry.

I might start a verbal sparing match with my partner-

pushing and pushing in the hopes of being right, 

righteous or just less keyed up.
I might start mouthing off to burn off energy or avoid feelings.
If I am feeling some kind of way-
lonely, sad, misunderstood, confused, anxious, afraid-
then that is enough justification for voicing any irritation.
I couch my verbal sparring in a way that appears helpful-
maybe giving constructive feedback to someone.
Unasked.  Like a special gift from the magic 8 ball in the sky.
My unwitting victim will feel completely stunned-
wondering what they did to deserve such exposure.

Another flavor of this same response happens indirectly.
I might start mouthing off to my best friend about

something I didn't like at work, on the news, or in society.
Politics right now is a never-ending source of material.
Standing in line at lunch, I will launch into a tirade.
Using our time together to attack so that
I can feel less stuck, controlled or overwhelmed.
It gives me a sense of autonomy and keeps 
me from feeling like a helpless victim
because I spoke out.
Except I just wasted a perfectly good
time where I could have been connecting with my friend.

I can also turn this response inward and start

fighting with myself.
This usually happens when I'm really tired or nervous.

I take all the criticisms ever leveled at me

and put them on a repeating loop.

I tell myself to stop but as soon as I'm still or alone,

the unholy litany kicks up again.
Wrestling with myself takes energy away from the present,
lowers my threshold for other people's inanity,
and makes it easier for me to react poorly.
It's also completely secret 
(a kind of a mixture of Fight and Hide responses)
so it is a double whammy of a trigger reactions.
I have spent years fighting with myself over certain subjects
without consciously choosing to do it.

The final and most creative way that I respond to a trigger with 

a fight response is when I have a fight

INSIDE MY HEAD

with a living person that I could actually talk to (but don't).

I had an argument last week inside my head

with someone I haven't seen in 4 years.

It was really detailed and involved too!

I said something, the person responded, I countered.

I mean, I didn't actually WIN but I definitely gave her a piece of my mind.
There was nothing between us that actually needed to be resolved
but an event in my real life triggered some old feelings.
Before I knew it, I was swearing and finger pointing
inside the safety and security of my own head.
Hidden and safe-but angry and pissed off too.

Flight

When I have this response 

it rarely looks like me running away from the 

scene with a wheel of clouds around my feet.
It is most often combined with a fight response as described above
or with a hide response outlined below.
The most consistent visibility I get to this response
is in the language that I choose in certain moments.

Sometimes I'm having a really chewy conversation with my spouse

and I change the subject in a disjointed way

to something completely banal and unrelated.

For example, we might be discussing a really big expense
that could wipe out our savings account if we don't plan for it.
Financial security is important to both of us-being without
explicit control of this arena can cause some intense feelings.
So of course, I switch the subject to something less tricky,
more timely and easily managed.
What do you want for dinner?
Look at this cute thing our dog is doing.
Who's taking our daughter to the dentist tomorrow?

I'm not actually aware how jarring the subject switch is
until I see the expression on his face.
And feel the feelings in my chest when he turns us
back to the subject that we started to discuss first.

Deflection and distraction are useful tools in the trigger reaction arsenal.
There are times where I avoid answering a direct question
by changing the verb tense or by choosing to respond partially
in a way that makes me more comfortable.
Therapy showed me how often I take a question about trauma
that happened in the past
and respond from the present.
Asking me how I felt about that thing that happened then
would get an answer about how my adult self
wants to feel about that thing now.
Never would I say how the child version of myself felt about that thing.

I also flee by being busy and distracted in stressful situations.
If someone is dying (literally) 
or making bad choices that stress me out
then I will be doubling down on work.
The lists of things to do will definitely outnumber
the one giant thing that I'm trying very hard not to look at.
I will show up physically at the hard, uncomfortable thing
but my mind will be busy churning through the to-do list.

Hide

There are many ways I hide out in plain sight in response to triggers.

I had masks for years that protected the core of my being from 
ever seeing the light of day.

I dressed, walked and talked in a way that kept the 
real me from being exposed.

If I was in a stressful situation,

I just pretended to be someone else.

My basic reaction to life, stress, or anything was to
act as though everything was normal.
I WAS FINE.

Nothing to see here.
The amount of energy required to make my life
appear smooth sailing from the outside was ridiculous.

Inevitably, I sometimes needed a little help to hide in plain site.

When I felt myself reaching for a drink every time I needed

to socialize with certain groups, I didn't think much of it.

Until I tried to be in those same situations without the drinks.

And almost came out of my skin.

I used alcohol as a way to help me hide when I was triggered.
It was very good at helping me hide out
and had the added benefit of making me appear to be
charming, more outgoing, more tolerant of people.
Or at least...more indifferent, less reactive.
Same thing right?

Food is another useful way for me to hide out when triggered.

Never do I want bread more than when I'm in a loud,

intense social situation.
Or feeling unloved or unlovable.
Or just feeling something that I don't know how to name.
Let's eat.

Something to munch on, take the edge off.

And afterwards, I can fight with myself over it.

Winner-winner, double trigger.

Do any of these responses register with you?
I can hear an argument I used with myself for years
coming alive right now.
These aren't trigger reactions, these are just normal 
quirks of being me.
Everyone struggles with some of this stuff-
I'm not struggling with it because of some kind of trauma
or injury that needs to be healed.
I'm struggling because I'm too lazy, too disinterested,
or too busy to focus on that thing.
Nothing to see here people-keep moving.

There's a lot of comfort and safety in hiding 
from the things that could be changed 
(but maybe you aren't ready to face).
How can you tell the difference between a normal habit
and a trigger reaction?
Well....until you figure it out I suggest you question it.
What could it hurt?
What's the downside?
I couldn't find any-so I question everything.
If habits aren't working for me,
then I need to adjust them anyway so I might
as well learn to recognize them.

My triggers got installed without my permission.
I didn't actively want them but I got them anyway.
More will get installed as I continue to walk around this life.
I can't actually stop the installation in most cases and 
there's no warranty.
I can't control that I will respond to the trigger.
I can only control my response to the trigger.
So I have to recognize and be curious myself-
not give myself a pass because looking at my reactions is hard.
This can be slow going so it can be easy to get distracted
or become defeated.
I'm learning not to worry though- there's plenty of time
and I'll get lots of tries.
The trigger is going nowhere-
especially if I'm not willing to recognize it.

This picture is a beautiful mess...just like me.