LIE TO ME (IF YOU'RE STUCK, I'M STUCK TOO)

This series is a semi-systematic, unflattering look at the lies

 that I tell myself and how they impact my life.  

I would love to be able to say that I don’t tell these lies 

to myself anymore….that would be another lie though.  

I’m pretty good at keeping these suckers around by 

renaming them or rationalizing.

The lie for today is:  As long as you’re stuck, I am stuck too.

Or said differently…I can’t be different unless you make 

that change first (or with me).

Imagine for a minute that I am trapped inside an elevator

with my best friend…who is very very claustrophobic.

When the elevator first stopped between floors, 

my best friend was closer to the emergency phone button so  

I asked him to push the button.  

He looked at me with giant eyes, broke into a sweat 

and started rocking. 

Since that initial request, he’s barely hanging on-

swinging between hyper-ventilation and 

shouting random, non-sense commands.

My friend, is overwhelmed, panicking and 

has essentially gone bat-shit crazy. 

No matter how many times I try to help him see that 

he can pick up the phone and notify emergency contacts, 

he is not getting it.  

He throws tantrums, starts screaming, begs me to hold

 his hands with both of mine because he is so afraid. 

DO NOT LEAVE ME HERE is said over and over.

I’ve spent two hours trying hard to convince my friend

 that all he needs to do is push the button.   

That he can get himself (and me) out of his current situation.

Breathing techniques, focused communication, modeling sane 

behavior have all failed.  

I’ve hugged him, reminded him of our years of friendship, 

that I’m a trustworthy person and I won’t leave him alone to suffer. 

I’ve tried to bring him back from the brink. 

Every ounce of my own problem solving energy 

has been focused on helping my friend understand how to change.

Nothing is working… my words are lost in the panic 

in his eyes and the clench of his fists. 

I just need him to push the button so that we can get out of here.

And he won’t do it.

I’m stuck because he is stuck.

I'm still here in this sucky place-

hot, sweaty, exhausted and starving-

because he won't do something that is super simple.

It's clearly labeled and common knowledge.

Anyone could do it-even a child.

And yet...I'm still here because of him.

I don't know if ya'll can see it but

this is utter bullshit.

It's probably obvious to you-

because who would not get out of this elevator?
Everyone would.
Except.....I am in situations like this all the time.

What if you apply this to a relationship?

Emotional or relational boundaries?

Self-care situations?

Does it read differently then?

I am NOT stuck because he is stuck.

I am stuck because I won’t push the button MYSELF.

I am stuck because I want the other person to have 

the same ability, perception, attitude as me before 

I will allow myself to move to a different experience.

I am stuck because I have deferred my own agency-

and given it over to someone who can’t even breathe or 

speak-someone so sick that he has forgotten himself.

I am stuck because I am choosing to remain stuck.

Until my friend gets it together.

How long do I stay stationary in that elevator?

How long do I spend my energies trying to calm down my friend?

When do I realize that I am the person who 

needs to push the button?  

That waiting on my friend to get it together 

is keeping us both stuck?

I am a bright person but in this realm, 

I have been historically slow and thick-headed.

My personal stats suggest that

the average amount of time it takes for me to realize

that I am capable of changing myself

without everyone else changing first...

is measured in years.

I will keep trying to coach someone through 

a lesson until I am exhausted, depleted and literally at my end.  

Only when I’m on the floor, starved and sweaty-

will the epiphany come……

I could push that button myself!

It's like an ultimatum that I don't want to issue

because then I'll have to follow through.

So I avoid knowing it like it is my full time job.

Here's some other examples.

Drinking not working for me anymore?  

I’ll stop drinking as soon as my family stops.  

Or as soon as I don’t have a job that requires me to 

socialize with clients in bars.

Have a book pushing through my heart that I must write?  

I’ll do that as soon as my job becomes less demanding or 

my side projects have a space.

Want financial freedom or a different schedule?  

I can do that after my kids go to college.  

Until then-I’m going to have to keep working the normal job.

Have a tribe that isn’t committed to growth?  

I’ll find another one eventually-

right after I get through this next holiday.

I have come to understand that I have a lot of reasons 

that this lie keeps coming around.

Here are a few:

 I value being the hero.
I have a lot of energy and dedication-and 

I don’t feel worthy enough to use that energy for 

my own redemption or release.
 I’m afraid of ending up alone 

(or spending too much time with only myself to face).
 It’s much harder to take a risk and try…

than to sit and wait for someone else to take a risk.
  It’s a tool that I’ve used a long time and 

I’m comfortable having it in my hand.  

It worked for me in the past and I keep trying to make it work again.

I could list probably 15 more but you get the gist.

This strategy is something that worked for me

in the past for a variety of reasons.

So I keep breaking it out again

only to find myself back to the basic lesson again-

I can do it myself.

Before anyone else thinks it's a good idea.

Even if no one else ever understands it or 

changes in that same way.

With or without support.

What keeps you stuck?

I bet you can push the button.

 

Photo from my teacher Glennon