MISSING PERSONS (GO FIND THEM)

The weeds in this are hard to spot-it's easy to ignore them.

This is the last in my series called #beherenow.

I've talked about paying attention to people who cross my path

and how I believe that each crossing is important.

That has been my belief for a long time,

but not necessarily my practice.

For many years, and a lot of reasons, 

I metaphorically walled myself off from the world.

I was more of an observer, less of a participant-

content to watch the people in my orbit float by without much interaction.

It seemed safer that way...

human interactions are ripe with risk.

Dangerous, sometimes bloody, and often unpredictable.

Being a bystander also allowed me to 

hold onto the beliefs that perfectionism is useful

and that I can control everything.

To complicate matters,

there were aspects of my life that I wasn't willing

to either change OR accept.

I didn't like the life I had-but I was too comfortable to willingly vacate it.

I remained in the limbo space where I didn't have to see myself 

so I wouldn't be compelled to make choices that committed me to either
a life-time subscription or life-time eviction.

I was (intentionally) stuck in the in-between.

Which was desperately tragic in a monotonous way.

How many of us are in a job, a marriage, a religion that just doesn't fit like it used to?

How many of us worry about jumping into the unknown?
How many of us cling to a tribe that only allows our silent participation?

Probably all of us at some point.

It's a terrible place to be-this in-between place.

I doubt that I would have ever left it though.

I was comfortable and excellent at avoiding the truth.

I wasn't brave or decisive.

Other people in my orbit,

the people who were rotating around my life,

forced my hand.

I had to look in a mirror, face myself, and decide.

Stay safe and hide out?

Be free and risk finding my edges.

There was no more staying in the in-between.

Time to choose.

I was not the wild one.  Or the brave one.  I was the comfy one.

So.

I chose.

I chose to be free and most days I remember it was best of the two options.

I am in the slow process of forgiving myself-

for staying in the in-between for so long-

dying to my old life and waking up into a new one.

Part of dying to my old life is

realizing that I had very few actual friends in my daily life.

Not friends from college or high school that I see once a year...

or family members who are far flung and hold an idea of who I am
based on social media or performance metrics.

Friends who actually walk through life with me.

Friends who I would allow to see into my everyday...

not just within one facet of my life.

Friends who I could share my struggle without worrying 

that I would be ousted from the tribe.
There were some significant gaps in my orbit.
I had to go and find them.

Can you spot the missing piece?

My first forays into this area allowed me to

convert some of my work friends into real FRIENDS-

 and I am beyond grateful daily for those gifts.
But as I examined my life holistically, I realized that the initial gap
 assessment showed a broad deficit.
I'm a surprisingly multi-faceted person-
I need lots of multi-faceted folks in my life.
Who is also having personal wrestling matches with God?
Who can I show my terrible parenting moments to?
Who can I admit I'm being petty and snarky to-without being petty and snarky?

Who can I talk to about the latest news report that leaves me trembling with rage?
Who can I share my heartache over injustice?
Who will clue me in on music or podcasts or books that have potential to move them?
Who will cackle with irreverence one minute and then school me on a new topic?
I need these friends.
Like I need air and water.

But...I had no idea where to find them exactly.

Turns out that some of these folks were spinning in my orbit.

Others though...well, I had to go on some expeditions to find them.

I went to conferences.

I took classes.

I went to church.

I changed churches.

I joined small groups.
I paid attention to those in my orbit.

Some of these endeavors yielded zero new friends-

like the time I attended a professional conference where 
the speaker appeared to assume all Christians shared his belief 
that gay marriage is inherently sinful.

Zero new friends from that one.

(Although I did cement some of my existing ones at that event).

Some of those excursions were solid gold in the friend department.

Over the past 3 years, I've moved into some new orbits.
It takes a while to figure out friendships-
most don't gel overnight-
particularly if you're a person who has been on the sidelines for a long while.

Patience and persistence has paid off for me though.

I've got an expanded sense of community that I didn't have before.

When I unexpectedly need a friend to pick up my kiddo-

I have a cell phone filled with trusted warriors who will help.

When my dad was facing a devastating illness,

there was a community praying for him.

And for me.

And bringing me dinner, reminding me that I am special, 
hugging me and checking in.

When my teenager crosses into a new stage, 

I've got friends who I can reach out to and get insight
because they just turned that page.

When I'm concerned about my career,

I've got mentors who have been there to lean on for advice.

I do not have to go it alone anymore.

These folks like me-just as I am.

Cracks and all.

Eclectic friends are delightful.  Make more-there's always room.

There's something very interesting about the search for missing pieces in your orbit...

you don't ever have to be done with it.

Turns out, love is not a pie.

There's always enough to go around and you can have unlimited connections.

I've noticed lately that I'm missing a few more friends.

I'm going looking for them and I can't wait to see what I can learn from them.

Who is missing from your orbit?

Can you allow yourself to go looking for them?

#beherenow

V