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Tuesday, April 24, 2018

LIE TO ME (IT'S MY JOB TO FIX YOU)




This series is about the way my mind will twist and fight to maintain ideas in separate spaces so that I don't have to see how they're not true.
Basically, the ways that I lie to myself.
Last week I talked about tattoos and the lie 
that I told myself for so long about my ability to have them.

This week's lie:

 It's my job to fix you.

 

One of the coolest parts about being a parent is watching 
your kids struggle and work as they learn new things.
Those squishy little bald creatures are really freaking hard 
to shepherd through to adulthood-
thank goodness they're quick learners.
The milestones are rapid fire in the early years-
holding bottles, 
first foods, 
walking (then running), 
Words other people can understand 
and then the end of diapers. 
Watching all of that happen is an incredible rush.
As they get older, the milestones get more complicated-
and frankly, more interesting.
Multiplication tables, frenemies, and
little league move quickly through to
college choices, career aspirations, and romantic entanglements.
Adult decisions with adult consequences.
Recent birthday celebrations...parenting means not saving you from heartache (or stomach ache)

This is where it really gets interesting-
and where the first steps of destruction can start if I'm not careful.
Ya'll know I'm a recovering control freak and 
control freaks have a special kind of trap 
when it comes to other people.
Control freaks have a tendency to try and 
take over other people's lives.
We want to make it perfectly perfect.
We want to keep other people from making mistakes 
that we can see clearly.
We utilize control to keep others from getting hurt.

Another way to see this same tendency is:
We want other people to not feel.
We want to keep them from understanding truths 
that are different than our own.
We want to take over people's lives so that we can turn
 them into the version of them-
which is always the version that suits us best.

I live in a bubble of safety.
I'm a middle class white person in a sweet little suburb.
I have an actual white picket fence.
It would be very easy to attempt to take care of my kids
by doing everything for them:
making decisions for them, picking their friends and
 micro-managing every decision from clothes to classes.

Washing dishes...spending time together....growing up.

This is not ok.
This is actually a kind of abuse.
It is not my job to control their lives.
It is my job to teach them how to care for themselves,
how to make decisions effectively,
and that there are consequences for all choices.

I'm highlighting this dynamic because I've actually been
 pretty good at NOT fixing my kids.
I love them so much and feel so secure in that love
 that I've rarely been a helicopter parent-
preferring instead to let them try and skin their knees.
Trusting that they are capable of figuring it out
and having faith that if they need help, it will be obvious.
This is not just my hubris talking...
this is me trying to highlight that I can know how to do something
and not apply it consistently in every relationship.
I can see the truth, and still lie to myself.

Early bird gets the worm....and all the resentment from being early.

For fair and measured consideration, 
let me highlight some places where I have not been as successful.
I've OFTEN tried to 'fix' other adults in my life.
Particularly ones that I wasn't sure valued me.
Here's an example.

Years ago, my company was working closely 
with an industrial psychologist to streamline 
some of our processes and help us navigate to the 
next level of effectiveness.
I was a kind of lynch-pin during that time-
doing a hodgepodge of everything that needed doing
 as people do in small companies.
I am especially talented at doing lots of things at once.
And I can be above average at many things while being excellent at none.
It is a gift and a curse.

This psychologist met with me and asked me to write down
everything that I did on a daily, weekly, and 
monthly basis for the organization.
Then he asked me to split these items into things 
I enjoyed doing, 
things I was good at (but didn't necessarily enjoy), 
and things that I either didn't enjoy or wasn't that good at.
Once this exercise was done, 
he told me to find a way to let go
 of the things in the last category.

I could barely get my brain around it.
I was doing these things because they needed doing!
Who would take care of them if I did not!
My crew clearly needed ME to save them from themselves, 
even if I didn't necessarily like the nature of the saving.
My attempts to 'fix' everything were killing me-
my blood pressure was high, my down-time was non-existent.
I had few hobbies and friends outside of the office.
I was excited by the work I was doing but also...overwhelmed.
And becoming resentful.
Why was I doing so many things?
Why couldn't the people around me take some of them?
Why weren't they as capable as me?
The hero was quickly turning into the martyr.

He said these magic words to me:  
It is not your job to fix them.
Some of these things won't get done.
Others will be tasks that someone would actually enjoy 
doing-you're robbing them of that opportunity.
And some of it...well, it's time to hire more staff.
I was doing too much and it was holding us back.
I needed to focus on what I was good at and what I enjoyed
 and not try and solve everything for everyone.

Squinting or winking?

Holy cow.
I had really never had this lesson before.
It was actually the first time anyone had told 
me that I had a purpose and a path and it didn't involve backseat
 driving 6 other people's lives.
I have occasionally gotten into this situation at work again
but I've managed to get myself
out of it more quickly by remembering this lesson.
I still have a tendency to take on too much,
take over if someone isn't up to my standards,
or speak out with solutions before others have a chance to frame an opinion.
Awareness of this tendency and active work to manage myself
yield different results.
Everyone (my company, my team and me) is more successful
 when I remember that it's not my job to fix everyone.
Lesson learned right?
Nope.
Life requires work-sometimes the lessons need to be relearned.

When my life fell apart a few years ago,
I got to see this lie was still alive and well in my life.
My marriage was more than struggling...it was basically dead.
In therapy sessions, our therapist would ask my husband
'How did you feel about that?'.
Instead of letting him answer,
 I would pipe in with his feelings right away.
I answered for him.
About his feelings.
I didn't just do this once-I did this often.
It was automatic and persistent.

The arrogance of that behavior shames me today 
but felt exactly right then.
I thought it was my job to fix him
because that is how our relationship began.
Two very young people with similar trauma
met and decided that the best way to move
forward together was to let me drive both our lives.

My 'fixing' and him abdicating responsibility 
was a core habit for so long-it disappeared into the background.
It was the foundation for so much-it became invisible.
After years of me 'fixing' him, I thought he
 was incapable of making his own choices
-at least incapable of making choices that were safe for me.

Our roles were defined and stationary.
I thought he needed me-
but only so that I could keep him straight.
I thought my only value was my ability to fix him, 
keep him on the path of safety and supposed success.
This man needed me...who cared if he wanted me?
And also....who cared if I wanted him?
Those are not questions that needed to be asked as long as 
it was still my job to fix him.
It took a significant earthquake to rattle the cage of our marriage
for me to see that this lie was alive and well in our lives.
It took months of counseling and mental wrestling
for me to stop speaking for him, trying to steer him a certain way,
and just let him figure out who he is, separate from me.
It took permission to fail and equal grace for myself...
He doesn't need me to fix him.
I needed to save myself. 
I needed to be needed...so I wouldn't have to 'fix' myself.


I would like to be able to stop learning this lesson
especially since every time I re-learn it, the lesson is so painful.
However...I think it's helpful to know that this lesson is pervasive
and sneaky-even when you know the lie.
It comes back around.
Let there be light (from the Synagogue in Savannah)

I was trying to be the hero of someone else's life.
I had to give up the glamour that is associated with heroes
and remember that heroes are often villains in disguise.
There's only one person who can be the hero of my life.
It's me.
And the only time I can have the role of hero, is within my own life.
Try and 'fix' someone else and I become a villain.
It's destructive and abusive.
Always.
No exceptions.
No matter how much I want to do it-
or how gifted I believe myself to be,
it will NEVER be my job to fix anyone else.
To say it another way...
it is not my job to save anyone.

It's a lie that you can fix someone else.
It's also a lie that they even need fixing.
Do you have people you're trying to fix?
Your children, your team, your boss, 
your spouse or your best friend?
Can you give up that job?
or begin to see that your efforts are misguided?

Love has wings-let it fly.






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