DENIAL OF SERVICE

"Denialism is rejecting an obvious truth for a much more comfortable lie"- Michael Specter

I heard these words on a  TEDtalk podcast called Truth and Lies.  
Michael Specter was talking specifically about how denial (and our affinity for it) 
plays into how we understand and absorb science.  
How our need for comfort overrides our ability to accept facts. 
The specific episode is embedded at the bottom of this post if you want to listen.

This phrase stuck with me.

Or I got stuck on it.

Whichever way...I couldn't shake it. 
I'm in denial about things often...

but how do I reject facts in favor of comfort?

I have learned that my go-to move
when I'm in denial about some of my own shizz
is pointing fingers at other people.
Remarking on all the things THEY need to raise awareness around.

The beginning of my own denial generally sounds like words 
said (or thought) towards other people I care about:
You should take better care of yourself!
You're tired, rundown, or actually sick because you will not hold your own boundaries!
You try to people-please so much that you harm yourself.

Eh....yep...this is sounding familiar.

Self-care, self-worth, judgement and righteousness are all facets of my favorite denial-ism.
I call this Body Denial and I am generally in some stage of it.
I have talked about here and here.
I'm likely to keep talking about it for a good long time.
What is newly interesting (to me) is the idea that this attitude persists
because I am getting some comfort from this behavior.
I am comforting myself (mentally) by being uncomfortable (physically). 
My need to push all my physical boundaries is rooted 
with the idea that I'm not worth behaving differently.
Maybe that is true for many of us who have this same pattern.

How can I apply this new wrinkle to the work of my life?

One of my known challenges is over-working.

Working so much that I forget to recenter, breathe, or take care of myself.

The summer is often filled with obligations and stress.
This time of year is the peak of busy-ness in my industry.
This is also the time of year where my social life escalates-
the kids are out of school, let's get together/
lead vacation bible school/work some mission trips/
BBQ this weekend/go to the pool/see a concert/visit some relatives.
This is life and it is noisy and needy.

 I am definitely comfortable in this dynamic.
In fact, I used to approach this time of year with an attitude of a warrior.
Time to armor up!  
This is what I am made for!
I can be so comfortable in the battle-gear
 that I can forget it's not meant to be worn all the time.
There hasn't been a summer in the past twenty years that didn't wear me out.
I have done so many of the things that were asked of me
without actually asking if my Body or my life could endure it...much less enjoy it.
That needs to change if I want to be more comfortable in my Body.

So... this year I was especially proactive.
In January, my family and I planned a big vacation for the summer.
TWO WEEKS OFF.
Yep.  
TWO WEEKS.
At our favorite, most laid-back haven on Earth.
The place where we love to be and never seem to get tired of being.
Ocracoke Island.
Two weeks outside of my normal life,
outside of the routines and expectations that I make for myself,
during the peak season of busy-ness.
This monster of a beautiful life was going on hiatus.
See ya later alligator.


We were planning on spending those two weeks at Ocracoke
but things worked out better than planned.
We went to Oriental AND Ocracoke.
Because I had already created the space
for the break to be allowed-
there was room when things didn't go exactly as planned.
Because I already knew it was important to have this break
I didn't compromise or waver when things got a little wishy-washy.

I have decided to be less in denial about the comfort 
I feel when I'm over-scheduled.
I have decided to create a new normal of comfort that prioritizes my Body and my health.
I don't want to over-work my Body, push it past all limits
until it falls apart in an epic tantrum.
Been there.
Done that.
Often.

I've just spent two weeks sleeping, eating, and connecting with my crew.
Two weeks of listening to the Body
and doing only what I want or feel called to do
in that moment.
However imperfectly my listening skills may be when it comes to my Body
I made progress towards my goal.
It was enough of a breather
for me to see how run down I've let myself become again.
Again.
It was enough of a breather to let me have time to forgive myself for that.
Again.

It was enough of a break from the stage of my life
to let me make more proactive adjustments.
I have been able to plan to support myself during the chaos
and I've been able to consciously choose to let some obligations go.
More importantly, the things on my list are each  
beloved and cherished work that bring me joy or contribute to my overall health goals.
(Including the mandatory nights within each week where nothing is scheduled.)
I can't get this clear about the present when I'm running from facts.
Denial serves something, but it doesn't serve a healthy life.

Strategy Sessions....

I have some strategies that I'm applying
to real life now that I think will keep space in my 
life for me, for self care and the Body.
If these strategies don't work
(and they might not)
then I have time set aside already 
to review and develop new ones.
I am reclaiming the importance of myself
in my acts, not just my words.

 I was recently catching up with a very accomplished, 
graceful powerhouse (and an incredible human) that I know.  

She wanted to confirm that I had actually taken 2 whole weeks of consecutive PTO.
She has never taken off more than a couple of days.
We discussed this sickness of BUSY-NESS
and the self-centered idea that our lives NEED US.
We shared our experience with trying to do all the things.
I suggested that two weeks is not that much time.
Maybe she will try it-maybe she won't.
It helps to have conversations like these-
ones that help me remember that 
I am not alone in this struggle.
I am working actively to move myself off this hard edge
into softer, more forgiving spaces.
#winning

ACCIDENTALLY ORIENTAL

Dragon in the canal in the center of Oriental

Before your mind takes you someplace strange....

this is a post about a place, not an ethnicity.

A place that I never intended to go-

much less spend a week.

What place am I talking about?

Oriental, North Carolina

Population:  ~ 900

Location:  East down highway 55 until you see water and sails.

Where the Neuse River meets the Atlantic Ocean.

Home of sea dragons, a gazillion sail boats, and very few cars.

Place where zinnias and dolphins may be found in equal measure.

A place I remember vaguely from 4th grade history 

but a place I have never been before or ever considered going.

Even my dad 

couldn't place it when I told him we were headed there...

until I told him it was 20 minutes from New Bern.

So how the heck did we end up in a place we never knew existed?

Well-it was an accident.

Not our accident so much as someone else's....

Someone accidentally severed the power line connecting

 Hatteras and Ocracoke Island and effectively shut down the southern Outer Banks.

Hyde County issued a mandatory evacuation on July 27th, 2017.

The day before our two week vacation on Ocracoke was scheduled to start.

#OBXblackout2017 was trending for a while

and pissing off the northern OBX beaches who were fully open.

Watching this catastrophe unfold on social media was

harder than normal because we were all packed and ready

to relax for two weeks at our favorite place on earth.

Until that door was suddenly slammed shut.

Damn.

 Ocracoke wasn't available....

so we had to make some choices.

Stay home

or try somewhere new

(that might also suck).

Bridges to cross that lead to places unknown are not my favorite.

We considered a stay-cation for the interim

but quickly realized that it would be impossible for us to truly disconnect at home.

Our beloved church family,

the community gardens we're involved in,

the mail, the laundry

and the home improvement projects...

all those voices were going to be too difficult to ignore.

Vacation for our family has always been about slowing down

disconnecting from the rat race and the agendas.

We focus on seeing each other-something that gets harder as our kids get older.

Our best vacations have always happened

when we were AWAY from our actual real lives.

So stay-cation was off the table.

Assuming we could find somewhere else to be.

Small BnB cures most everything.

After a day of grief in Pittsboro 

(Small BnB is a great place for a family war counsel)

 we started checking the web for weekend rentals.

We were of two minds about it....

scrap the coast altogether and go to the mountains

or

get close to the shore in some other location

hoping that Tideland Electric would work their magic quickly and

we would be staged for re-entry.

Hopefully re-entry would occur in days, not weeks so decided

we preferred the coast.

We had two dogs, two kids and not much money.

After a careful perusal of our online options...

we realized that we only had two options on the coast.

One of those was this little house in Oriental.....

where the heck is Oriental?

At this point, it was just a spot on the map.

We'd get there and figure it out.

It was only a weekend after all.

You can rent this adorable cottage by clicking on this link.

We accidentally ended up in Oriental NC 

and decided to stay for a while.

We initially booked for 3 nights.

Then we immediately extended for 5 nights.

Then finally a week.

Why?

Because Oriental is a balm for chaos and stress.

In the midst of all the not knowing-

 when (or if) the power would come back on

 if the insurance would cover the cost

what our vacation schedule would entail....

we were able to exhale.

Our family was wrapped in a cocoon of comfort.

Everything we need is right here....

The things is....we like water but we aren't 'beach' people.

We like to fish, crab, watch the sunset.

We want to bike, walk, fish, float, dig, cook, laugh....

we don't want to lay out, visit a boardwalk or putt-putt.

We love the ingenuity and creativity

that develops around water communities-

places where people are scrappy and connected with nature.

We want to meet those people and chat for a while

about what matters to them.

Oriental meets almost all our criteria

in a well-appointed wrapper-

it could not be cuter, safer, more peaceful 

if it were created on a movie set.

By day two in this little town

we had settled into a regular rhythm:

walk in the mornings, 

bike ride in the afternoon, 

fish off the public docks in the evening.

The 'serious' fishermen in our crew

In the middle, we played with our dogs in the back yard or took naps. 

took a fishing expedition with a local, 

The back yard from heaven

Had snacks at The Bean

The ice cream counter at The Bean

Looked for dragons at every single house

A dragon lurking behind the hedge...

Found each dragon egg nesting site

After a week....the ferries to Ocracoke opened back up.

We made it on island in record time

and were ready to jump into the second half of our vacation

because Oriental had let us rest up first.

I found myself thinking:  

Was this accidental?

Or were we supposed to find this little spot

in this little time out of life?

I don't really believe in coincidence but I know 

that next time won't be accidental.

GRACE FULL

Sweet Potatoes growing in a new community garden......

I've come to understand that therapists have 

a conglomeration of effective

and inherently annoying tools that they utilize

to get us to adjust our perspective.

I encountered a familiar one recently...

I call it the side-eye approach.

See....when faced with a situation that is ON FIRE,

shift the focus slightly sideways

towards something related but less inflammatory.

It's like looking at the shadow of the monster

instead of looking at the full frontal of the monster.

Use your peripheral perspective instead of charging in.

This strategy is especially useful (and difficult) for me to execute.

I am a person who feels a high degree of confidence

when attacking a problem.

It feels dishonest to be to give said problem 

what I consider a sideways view.

And yet....it's not lost on me that my bull-in-a-china-shop approach

often causes more pain or anguish than I intend.

It's also not lost on me that raging against something

is my strategy for simultaneously

pushing that hurt away

and making sure that it stays on the leash I'm holding in my hand.

Am I pushing or pulling?

I can't tell when I'm facing it head on sometimes.

Artwork by my firstborn.....

I was recently talking with my therapist about rage...and how I struggle with it.

Rather than poking and pointing at my tendencies to have rage 

or rehashing all the specific events that occurred

that I am rightfully angry towards,

she asked me to focus on Grace.

She asked me to consider all the things I've been forgiven.

I mean...all of them?
I sometimes think she sets me impossible tasks

so she doesn't have to talk to me for a while.

However....I have persevered.

I have spent some time focusing on

the times where I have failed

(and there are many)

and I have been forgiven.

It is certainly less easy to feel righteously indignant

when I'm remembering my foibles and transgressions.

This new strategy is actually a relief, a balm to my blistered heart.

She was right to assign me this focus and I'm glad I listened.

There was a weird side effect focus though.....

focusing on metaphorical Grace

 revealed a perspective that I have worked hard to ignore

related to physical Grace.

You see...

Grace is something that I was told from an early age that I lacked.

I have memories of being 4 or 5 and bumping into something as I walked by it

and my mother's voice loud and clear

Way to go Grace Grunt!
or 
Who put that wall there?
or
Of course YOU dropped that cup.  

It is possible that she meant all of these in a humorous way.
I'm not bringing this up to rehash all my mother stuff.
I'm just trying to highlight how deeply rooted 
the name Grace Grunt was within me.

It became a conviction of my abilities
that I hadn't thought of in years.

I was encouraged to participate in dance and cheer-leading

in the hope that it would 'fix' my inherent clumsiness.

Long into adulthood, I believed that I was a clutz.

You become what you believe you are told you are.

In spite of evidence that I do not always trip over my own feet,
that I can in fact dance and run and do burpees successfully
MOST of them time....
I believed that I was incapable of doing physical things.
That I had good reflexes that saved me from catastrophe.
That my lack of Grace was balanced by my bright mind.
That I should avoid new experiences that might
involve jumping, balance, or coordination.

For most of my life to date, the story that I believed about myself
was that I was Grace-less instead of Grace-full.
Whew.
One more place where truth needed to shine into my soul.

A gift from my friend Cairyll.  She makes beauty.

How do you take back something that you believed was never yours?

How do you claim a birth-right that was withheld from you?

Luckily....this is the story of my adulthood...

redemption is mine

THANK GOD

and always was.

No one can take it from me.

No one ever could.

I didn't earn it

I don't deserve it

and I can't lose it.

That is GRACE.
And I am FULL of it.