MIXED MESSAGES-THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE

I know of several marriages right now that are ending 

and many that are just beginning. 

I could talk forever about how unprepared I was for marriage 

when I entered into that union at the ripe old age of 23.  

I was so young and so sure that it was the best decision.  

I was right...but not for the reasons that I thought at the time. 

Here are just a few thoughts as I reflect on

what I didn't understand about marriage 

when I got married...

********************************************

That being married won't fix me

won't turn me into someone brand new

won't fairy-tale away trauma

won't erase hurt

inflicted by my family of origin

or previous relationships.

That being married will break me 

into bits

and I will remake myself

many times through this marriage.

That I can and will feel lust and attraction and affinity

for a myriad of people

throughout my life

and that is not a foundation

or sustenance for a covenant.

That I will have long stretches where I do not like my spouse

or romantically love him,

when I may actually hate him

where he won't love or like me either

and that won't mean that one (or both of us) 

are somehow

diminished.

That I will remain married through times that are

 impossible for me to imagine at inception-

through discomfort and confusion

through rage and anger,

physical pain,

emotional trauma,

stomach bugs, 

home improvement fiascoes,

births, surgery,

ER visits, breakdowns, funerals

and the ultimate hardships will be

 those times where we 

stop connecting.

That taking up the role of wife is a vocation

that has specific duties which I am 

almost wholly unqualified for.

That I will have to unlearn all my assumptions

and understandings, 

to really unpack my beliefs about what a wife is,

and eliminate most of them from my perspective

to be able to approach that job

with grace.

That grace is not dancing

beautifully across a ballroom floor

or white picket fences

or happily ever after.

Grace is not found in following

the prescription

or keeping up with the Joneses.

That grace is choked out by too many 'shoulds'

and gets lost in the laundry.

That grace is found in searing hot messes

on a battlefield of mud

or in the soft sunshine of afternoon walks.

That grace tastes like salt-water

and sometimes stings 

like hot needles in old wounds.

That the same key to connecting with a stranger

is the same key to being a wife.

It's called kindness and it

is a slow acting antidote.

That perfection is a lie

wrapped in cellophane.

That there is no formula for 

navigating this existence 

that doesn't include pain and struggle.

That I will need to share myself,

be willing to have spotlights on every bit of my soul

be naked in this relationship

in every way.

That I will have to decide again 

and again

to be loving

when what I want to be 

is righteous.

That even though we both speak English

we don't speak the same language.

That we share the same last name

but we are not the same person.

That men are allowed to be afraid and weak

and women are allowed to be strong and resilient.

That we are all allowed and invited

to be all the feelings

whenever we need to be-

no rules, no limits.

That we are saving ourselves

and each other

and also letting each other down

as we walk each other home-

back to our Maker.

That marriage is a song about 

redemption

and restoration

on a visceral level.

That marriage teaches 

me continuously 

about forgiveness

and potential.

That love conquers hate

but only after the fear

is displaced.

That getting married

was an invitation

to become closer 

and more connected

to the Creator.

That these participants

in a marriage

 are two whole people

who make something altogether

different

when they reach for the Creator

through serving 

each other.

That our vows 

were meant to lift us up

so that we could fly

not keep us caged

so we'd behave.

There was literally....nothing that I knew 

about marriage when I got married.

Everything that I thought I knew

or that I understood about myself

or that institution

has been burned away

as this marriage has come into being.

What I know now is

That neither of these people

need fixing

nor do they need 

to be incarcerated

by a promise.

That I am beautiful

exactly as I am

in my brokenness-

enough all by myself (with God).

That he is beautiful 

exactly as he is

in his brokenness-

enough all by himself (with God).

Together,

all three of us

 we are 

more than enough...

but that it takes each of us

to make this union live.