STOP! HAMMER TIME..

Sometimes you just need to take a break from the real world.  

This is one of those times.  

My real world involves too much work, too many deadlines. 

Too much divisiveness.

So much hurt.

Sometimes all that hurt sparks an urge to create.

Build.

Refresh.

Something.

ANYTHING.

This feels like one of those times.

So after careful consideration 
(also known as unrelenting, unproductive conversation),

my family decided this would be the perfect time to remodel our downstairs.

We kind of had a plan.

But not really.

The front two rooms of our house currently look like the back room of the Goodwill.

Everything is stacked up so we can work on the living room and kitchen.

It is crazy making.

But oddly enough, it distracts me from the rest of the world 
which is also...

crazy making.

When we moved in, our house was only about a year old. 

Much had been left untouched.

The landscape which was one of the first things to fix 
and was discussed long ago in these pages.

That part is my jam.  

I can whip a surburban lawn into shape in no time.
In fact, our yard has grown and overgrown
itself several times since then.

The inside of our house was basically builder grade
with no changes.
The owner lived there a year but ultimately decided 
to move to a quieter street
in an adjoining neighborhood.

There was some unfortunate Laura Ashley wall paper.

In.

 every.

Damn.

Bathroom.

But that is a mere memory.

We built a fence.
We painted some rooms.
Then came the precious second born child.

So there was a pause.
After the pause there was more painting.

We added a deck.
And a stone backsplash in the kitchen.

We fixed a bunch of stuff that the builders messed up.
Nonsexy stuff like moving the hot water tank out of the attic over our closet.
Replacing the crappy HVAC unit.
But we did stuff.

There are two projects that have bugged since I stepped through the door.
Fireplace in living room and master bathroom.
Both are huge and disruptive.
Not able to be completed in a weekend.

Today's install is a glimpse into what gutting the living room looks like.

It's mostly in pictures.
I couldn't possibly begin to describe HOW we did this.
We barely know ourselves.


***********************

Ta-dah!  Behold the green marble and awkward cutout that must go

It's possible that you would not describe this as a monstrosity.

You are entitled to your opinion even when you are wrong.

Green marble surrounding a dangerous gas fireplace.

Strangely too-high cut out for a deep deep TV.

These 'features' were installed by builders who didn't actually 
try to sit on a couch and watch TV in this cutout.
Or watch their toddler shove their dogs tail into the exact 
place the flame would be if this was ever ignited.
Also...where is the mantel?
Who decided to frame this like a picture?
Or the top cutout like a window?

Well, sorry if you like them.

Now they are gone.
No one who knew them is missing them at all.

Here are pictures from demo day

We live in the south so we can have windows open in January

My shirt says 'Namaste Bitches'  

I am a small person...and this was dangerous.  But fun.

We hauled out the fireplace (and sold it on craigslist).

We took out all the molding.

and then we worked on reshaping.

It took a lot longer to get this done than any rational carpenter would think.

We'd never built custom cabinetry before.
We had never messed with drywall before.

We had rarely used a miter saw or a table saw before this.

But like all broke (and broken) people, we can do hard things!

And this was not easy..

Here it is coming along:

And here it is a few days (weeks) later.  Are you starting to see it?
My mother in law was convinced there was going to be a fish tank in here.
Long live the 70s!
There will be no fish tank.

Getting closer.....almost there

I spent New Year's Eve doing this:

So that the first day of 2017 could look like this:

Of course...Now I'm back to painting. 

This was just phase 1.

We had to paint the ceiling because we had to repair a crack.

And now we're painting the walls because this color is no longer working for me.

And then we will be replacing floors.

So the front rooms still look like the back room of the Good will.

But positive change is happening.

Even in all this mess.

REGIFTING

Ok...it's not spring yet but I definitely want it to be...

Do you know what regifting is? 

Here are a couple of definitions:

Regift: (verb) To give an unwanted gift to someone else; to give as a gift something one previously received as a gift.  

or another:

Regifting or regiving is the act of taking a gift that has been received and giving it to somebody else, sometimes in the guise of a new gift. 

I notice a few key points about a regifted item.  

1. It was unwanted 
2. It was given away in the hope that it would be wanted
3. It is wrapped up and portrayed as though it is special and only for the new person

Keep these things in mind. 

The first person didn't want the gift..

they wanted it so little that they wanted to give it away.  

They disguised it so that someone else would want it.

This is not necessarily a bad thing.

When a recruiter gives you Godiva chocolate

and you KNOW that your step-sister adores

Godiva chocolate.

It's totally ok to give her that chocolate along with the rest of her Christmas gift.

Here's another example.

If someone gives you a mug that you like

and you don't have any room in your house for more mugs

but you know your neighbor was really needing some mugs

and that she will absolutely love this mug too

then regifting is the right move.

Feel righteous.

I do.

Q:  But when can regifting go wrong?

A:  When the thing you regift is something that you think is crap.

You should not be giving other people something that you think is worthless.

That is not a gift.

That is taking out the garbage.

Let's run a scenario.

  

Let's say that my father gave me a ring for my birthday.  

My father is sooo excited about this gift.

Every member of our family for 4 generations has worn a ring just like this ring.

This ring stands for our family, represents who we are.

This ring is worth A LOT of money.  

This ring is valuable and precious.

To my father at least.

And presumably to the other family members who have worn one like it.

When I look at this ring, all I can think is....

This ring is horrendous. 

It is the ugliest, 

least inviting, 

least appealing thing

that I have ever seen.  

Not only is it ugly and not my preferred style...

it is also something that would embarrass me to own.  

The mere ownership of this article makes me cringe.  

I have watched the members of my family wear this same type of ring my whole life.

I played with it as a child while I sat on my grandmother's lap.

I stared at while recovering from illness.

I was excited as a child to get to this point.

I was honored at the thought of being mature enough to earn this honor.

I actually love all of these rings...don't get any ideas friends

 But now as an adult, I feel differently.

Somewhere along the way

the honor and love that are inherent in this ring

disgust me or make me feel small.

i consider ways to make it more ME-

modernize it or update it.

Wear it with other rings.

 

No matter what I imagine or try 

this ring is still a piece of crap.

I would definitely never wear this ring.  

Ever.

So what do I do with this thing that I don't think is valuable?

Funny you should ask....

my friend has a birthday coming up.

This person is my best friend.

I love this person more than I love myself.

When I cast about for what I could possibly give this person,

I realize that nothing feels appropriate.

This person is part of my family

closer to me than anyone else.

We have a bond and I've promised to keep them safe.

We've been through so much in such a short time

and I know that I can commit to standing by this person forever.

There is nothing dark or terrible about this person that I cannot rejoice in.

This person is everything that I wish I could be.

Original Art by me

I think about all the people who have felt that way towards me

my father who held me when I was sick

my grandmother who shelled peas with me

and I try to think about what they would do in this case.

I remember the ring and the tradition and the value that my family places on it.

After thinking about it for a while

I decide that this is what I should give to my best friend.

I can think of no greater tribute to this person

than giving them this ring

(that I think is ugly and that I wouldn't be caught dead in.)

Wait.  what?

I think that it is awful

and ugly

and never to be seen.

But somehow, in my mind

 my best friend will overcome

all these judgments that I have against this thing.

I am confident in this person's ability to transform 

anything ugly into something resplendent.

Sometimes you're hustling while doing the dirty business...

Yep. 

 I wrap it up in a new, beautiful package.

I make it look extra special.

And I deliver it to my friend.

My friend's eyes light up when the package is opened.

This is EXACTLY what my friend has always wanted.

This ring means we are family.

That we belong together.

My friend knows the details about this ring-the weight and the meaning behind it.

My friend believes that I am giving them something that I value and appreciate too.

The look on my friend's face is everything I've ever dreamed of seeing.

My friend puts on the ring and I feel something powerful.

Maybe it is possible

that I have done the next best thing 

to actually wearing that ring myself.

Maybe it was never intended for me

but was meant for my friend.

This person who is so magical and extra-specially special.

I will give this friend everything I've got.

Especially the crap.

magical thinking gets you every time

A few days (or years) pass.

My friend is still my friend 

but......

the magic isn't as fresh as it was.

And my friend ALWAYS wears that ring.

ALWAYS.

and my friend LOVES that ring.

Simply adores it.

And the thing is....

that ring is still pretty horrendous in my eyes.

I wish the ring could be reworked

new stones or a fresh coat of metal maybe.

Something.

Anything but that same ring.

Plus...not only is it ugly but after all this time

it's beat up.

It's not even shiny anymore.

But my friend LOVES it.

When I suggest a replacement or a fix

my friend quickly rejects that idea.

This ring is beautiful and perfect.

dr. Laura is pretty right on...even when you wish she weren't

And I think...my friend is a total idiot.

No one could like this ring-much less LOVE it.

It becomes obvious to me that my friend is 

a poor judge of these things.

I will really need to get some advice from someone different.

And this is what happens every time you regift something that you think is crap.

Why does this ugly ass ring matter so much?

This is a metaphor I've been using lately for marriage.

More specifically, a metaphor for a challenge that I've seen in a lot of marriages-

including my own.

How many of us approached marriage as a way to belong?

How many of us showed up and said 

'I give you all of this, all of me, all my love'

while secretly thinking 

'who would want this pile of crap'?  

How many of us prayed that this person

this glorious, perfect-for-us person

 would never figure out that 

we are totally 

unlovable, uncool, unattractive, or not enough?

How many of us thought that being chosen, 

being loved unconditionally, 

being valuable to someone else....

would suddenly help us become valuable

to ourselves?

How many of us thought we would feel differently about that gift

(sub in your body, your heart, your family for gift in this metaphor)

 when we saw how happy it made that other person?

And how many of us eventually thought...

what an idiot that perfect-for-me person is

 for valuing me.

I'm just a worthless piece of crap and you're too stupid to see it.

Or another line in this magical thinking trail...

How many of us thought

the magic didn't work with THAT person 

so they must not be perfect-for-me.

Perfect-for-me is still out there.  

  Let me try it again with something or someone else.  

Maybe it will take this time.

How many of us gave the gift anyway?

Knowing that it wasn't a gift but was instead a pile of crap.

You can love someone else

exactly as much 

as you 

love

yourself.

Stop giving the gift of crap.

Find what you truly love 

and know is priceless

and give that.

You are beloved.  Be a gift worth giving.  Or stop giving gifts....just give money.