JOINT EFFORTS

Detail of box drawing...look at that fig tree on the right.  Can you see it?

Being creative is an interesting process.

It has taken a long time for me to see and accept

that creativity is an essential part of 

living as a human.

Creating connects me with the Creator.

Creating opens my heart and lets in the light.
Creating is hard, sweat-inducing work
that leads me down a path with no discernible
light at the end.
I don't know were I'm going when I'm creating.
I just know there will be something new if I go down the path.

I went about 2 decades without being creative.
I told myself that I was too busy
but I realize now that

 I was unable and unwilling to be vulnerable

to the possibility of what could be.

See....

there's a crucial thing that I understand now
that I didn't really get then....

I can't create if I can't be vulnerable.

To try and create without vulnerability is
just manufacturing or treading water.

Creation requires me to open up
to accept the possibility...
the inevitability...
that I will
break open
to bring something new into being.

detail of box planting....tomatoes and basil and eggplants and beans....

In the past few years

my creativity has returned.

At first it was fits and starts.

Some days it is a tidal wave or a tsunami of ideas, acts and attempts.

Some days it's a steady hum in the back of my mind.
I have invited it to live with me
and it comes and goes as it pleases.

Most of my creative outlets are for myself.

I sell some of them locally or online.

I give some of them as gifts.

I like best the creative outputs that I can use 

and incorporate into my day.

Whether it's a painting or a piece of jewelry or

yes...

even a meal.

It's part of who I am-a creator.

Just like all humans.

So pretty...Pad Thai I made recently for my growing (and starving son)

I've always been good at creating with plants.

You can see on this blog the posts where I'm comfortable sharing

or teaching about how to have a palette

using plant material.

Until recently...

I've never really tried to create an idea
or an outline for someone 

else to implement.

All of my creations with plants

were for me.

My plans and ideas

were mostly in my head.

The loudest critics

and opinions

were mine and (usually) mine alone.

Recently I've let my spouse into the creative space
when we're creating gardens.

That was hard.

The results of hard work were the church gardens 

that we've worked on and grown over the past year.

(You can read more about them here here and here).
The results of that collaboration were also...

Delightful!

A completely successful collaboration!

Who knew?
It was a new experience for me for sure.

Welcome Bed at House of Hope in the dead of winter is lifting spirits..one pansy at a time.

Last summer ...a  gardening friend from our church

asked me to visualize a garden

for a hard to use space.

The space is between a parking lot and a private fence.

It is hot and muggy...
it was covered with weeds and some scraggly nandina.

My friend is an excellent gardener-she grows things all the time.

She works with our Simple Gifts Garden

and thought this might be a place to add additional 

vegetable growing potential.

But she wasn't quite sure what to do or how  to use the space best..

so she asked me.
I was so honored and excited.

My initial thoughts were...absolutely!
I know exactly what to do!

And then....

I got nervous.

Because she might not like what I suggested.

Because she might not implement it like I wanted.

Because it might not be good enough.
Because everyone is going to see it.
Because it could be a lot of work.

Expectation is the killer of creativity.

It chokes out beauty like weeds choke out flowers.

I had to sit with that for a good long time.

And then I had to get over myself.

So that I could put down on paper what was calling to me to be created.

I suggested boxes that are raised up 

so they wouldn't get run over by cars

or walked on by unsuspecting church goers.

I suggested trellises to maximize the space.
I suggested some base plantings to anchor the boxes and clear up the scraggly.

I drew a visual and suggesting vegetable rotations...
It didn't really take very long once I got to it.
Just a quick sketch and some coloring.

High level overview with a side view visual of the boxes...

And then I did the hardest thing.

I gave it away.

I very intentionally gave it to her

to do what she wanted 

with zero expectation.

It wasn't mine.

It never had been.

It was a piece of a train for someone else to hook onto.

Like all art...it is

For us ALL.

Very rarely after art is done

is it for just one person.
I'm starting to know this.

Still...it was hard.

Even though I didn't have time for one more garden.

Even though the building and overseeing of the garden
 would be intense and expensive.

It still felt like MINE.

And I knew it needed to be freed.

I released it.

whew.

Not surprisingly...when I did the hardest thing

something magical happened.

Someone else (or in this case several someone's)

could pick up the idea

and make it better.

Bigger.
Whole.

That little idea
 serves so much more thoroughly now

more than it could have locked away in my sketch pad....

inside my little, tightly controlled sphere of influence.

LOOK AT THESE GORGEOUS BABIES!

An eagle scout took the project

and moved it forward.

He raised the money to build the boxes.
You can read about it here.

His troop spent a whole day putting them in.

They improved on the design

and built such beautiful

sturdy structures.

I could not have done this.

Not by myself.
Not with my friends.

Or family.

The work needed to be done here is too big.

Bigger than me.

Bigger than my ideas.
Little seeds need care and watering.
They need all the drops of rain and nutrition they get along the way.
I was a raindrop.
I did my part....and look what happens when we 
show up and do our part?
And then we let go so someone else can do their part?
Beauty.

Spinach and onions popping up

This just confirms for me

that creativity is part of how we connect.

To ourselves.

To the CREATOR.

To each other.

I believe that I have a part to play

and it is an important part.

That I have gifts that are to be of service

but they are also needed in conjunction with other

gifts to evolve the idea

into the creation.
Special.
Unique.
and cherished...
just like everyone else.
#special#notspecial

A GOOD STRONG CUPPA (FEELINGS)

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Very little cups of very weak tea.....

I try not to talk specifically in public about my childhood.

Mostly I'm still trying to protect people 

but I'm also not sure how to speak of my experience 

in a way that will come out coherently.

Many things that I learned as a child 
needed to be unlearned.
But today I want to talk about something that I never ever GOT.
It's a big lesson
and a seemingly simple one.
It's somewhat embarrassing to realize
at my ripe old age
that I never learned
this gem:

YOU NEED TO FEEL

ALL 

THE FEELINGS

I learned to avoid feelings at an early age.

Feelings are uncomfortable-particularly the ones that are 'negative'

and so I learned to push the ones away that I didn't like.

This was a particularly useful strategy as a small person

who was overwhelmed with terrible struggles and choices.

If you push the emotion away, then you don't have to think 

about how sad, scared or alone you are.

You can focus on solving the puzzle,

getting through the next few minutes or hours

without all the stress of the emotion.

WIN-WIN right?

I thought so for a long time.

It took me space

and quite a bit of therapy

 to realize that I was giving away the emotions

all of them

so that I wouldn't have to feel them.

Brene Brown....So wise.

The unfortunate side effect of giving away the negative stuff

was that I was also giving away the beautiful stuff.
You can't hide the bad without also hiding the good.

Another side effect:

I was so excellent at giving away the emotions

(all of them)

that I was sh*t at holding on to them.  

Feeling them was next to impossible.
My emotional depth tolerance was too shallow....

I couldn't hold the beautiful stuff any better than I could hold the scary stuff.
I was very very wimpy.

Recently, my understanding of how to more appropriately 

be in relationship 

with emotions (and myself) 

has coalesced into an analogy that has been very helpful.

I'm southern.

I think best in metaphor.

I've come to think of feelings or my potential to hold onto feelings in the form of a cup.

The model cup is from Zillie's Island Pantry.  Nothing could be finer....

My previous approach to life was to give away whatever emotion 

landed in that cup as fast as possible.

Really big emotions

whether they were JOY or TERROR

couldn't even be held within the cup.

They never even landed-they were too big.

I used to let them just wash over like a fire hydrant 
would wash over a plate.

Smaller emotions could be sorted

quickly and efficiently.
Right out of the very shallow basin

and onto someone else.

Since nothing too heavy would fit

my cup didn't stretch

or grow to expand emotions.

I think I realized that it 

*could* stretch to take in more

but I was very resistant to taking that step.

What if it never went back to 'normal' size?
What if I got lost?
How could I come back to me??

My only approach when dealing with emotions 

was to displace them

before they could expand or overload.
Get rid of them ASAP!

In really hard times, I would bail them out as quickly as possible

to relieve the discomfort.

If my baler wouldn't bail fast enough

then I would just go numb.

Stop noticing the emotions

until they had passed somewhat.

Once the majority of the feelings had passed

I could come back to this serving

and tell myself that I'd handled it like a PRO.

In reality, I had checked out to avoid the handling....

To further along this pathology

I had a specific attitude relating to blessings

or gifts that came my way.

I think most people can relate to giving away 

the terrible or awful feelings.

But how could I justify giving away the beauty?
Well...I couldn't hold it so I had to rationalize it.

My thought was that if wonderful, beautiful things landed in my cup

then it was my responsibility as someone who had been blessed

to give those things to someone else

who was less blessed than me.

I thought of myself as a GIVER

I wanted to be OF SERVICE

Way more than I wanted to be WHOLE.

What I've come to understand though

is that I can't really be a GIVER

without having a full cup.

No one really can.

So I have changed my rules

changed my story

and my understanding of what is necessary.

I still want to be OF SERVICE.

I still love GIVING.

I just have to make sure there's enough in my own cup
 first.

This is really hard for me.
My immediate instinct 
is always
may always be
to give away whatever I have.
Good or bad
that emotion needs clearing out.


Instead, I have to stop
and ask myself....

Is my cup filled to OVERFLOWING?

In a little bit of an uncomfortable

can't quite hold this delightful ocean

but don't quite want to let it go either

kind of way?

Then by all means

let the love flow.

If my cup is not filled

and I'm just passing out crumbs

then I am not in any fit state to be giving.

My cup is still pretty shallow

it doesn't take much to fill it to overflowing.

But I am changing

and it is brutiful.

I've come to think and process differently.
Sometimes.

It's haaaaard work.

I'm not accustomed to being so

.....

Maybe...immature?
Inept?
Just plain....slow?
I know my goal has changed though.

If my cup is not full to overflowing

then I need to keep filling myself up.

The goal is to over-flow
and FEEL all the FEELINGS.
The ones that lift me up
and the ones that scare the crap out of me.
It all fits in there
and it is all meant for me.
I can't have the beautiful without the brutal.
So I'm taking it all.
One strong cuppa at a time.....

ASHES TO ASHES

 I'm pretty amused at how 'churched-up' I have become in the past few years.

It occurs to me that the younger version of me would have groaned and moaned

at even talking about church on a mid-week day.

There's a really big difference between my understanding of God

and the role that God has in my life now vs a few years ago.

There's a tremendous difference in my understanding of my own heart.

I have managed to land in a church community that is 
varied, expansive, and allows me to lean into what I need.

Also...I'm somewhat compulsive.

When I get something wonderful

I generally want more of that something.

This year I went to TWO Ash Wednesday services.

Yes two.

One was apparently not enough.

The first was a drive through service offered by 

the Peak community within our church
where we've been attending services recently.

Yes...drive through.

Like a fast food restaurant.

Only without the saturated fat.

Here's a link to an article about the drive through service.

I am almost always excited and looking forward to Lent.

This year more than usual though...
I'm excited to get back to my God.
To deepen my connection to my Creator.
To remember that 

I am the thirsty beggar standing hunched 

in a deluge

and all I need to do is look up 

and open myself to the mystery

to have my thirst quenched.

That connection is all around me all the time.
I'm the one who is separated and withdrawn.
Lent is a focused time to reconnect to that LOVE.

When I arrived to receive my drive through ashes, 

I had music blaring

I was singing at the top of my lungs.
I felt incredible joy.

Several silly members of the congregation 

wearing orange vests and pretending to be traffic control 

directed me around the parking lot

I laughed out loud.

And turned off my radio.

I pulled into my 'station'

and was met by a lovely person.

She asked my name.

My name.

Let's just pause there and know that even in my car

on my busy Wednesday morning

filled with joy and coffee and Avett Brothers turned up loud

my sister paused to ask my name.

And then she gave me her name.

This sister who I just met shared her name.

And in those 60 seconds...I was reconnected.

Plugged back in.

She asked to impose ashes,

I said yes

she said the normal things that people say

on Ash Wednesday

and I went to drive on to my normal day.

Great big alligator tears

spilled onto my lap.

Overwhelmed with the spirit

I drove in silence to work.

Just like that....plugged in.

Just like that....back with my one and only Maker.

This is a LOVE story.

Just not the kind you think.

Force of nature Laura McKowen has a great message over on her media.

That evening, we also attended a service at the main campus of our church.

It was held in our traditional sanctuary.

The pastors wore formal robes.

The choir also wore formal robes.

They were hot in all that finery.

We were freezing in our spring attire.

We smiled and waved to friends we haven't seen in a few months

while we've been attending services at the Peak.

We settled in on a pew and opened our hearts to whatever message was coming our way.

The service included both pastors from our Spanish speaking congregation as well as pastors from the traditional services.

Most of the message was given in both English and Spanish.

We sang a contemporary Christian song in Spanish and in English.

We did a traditional call and response.

It was truly a beautiful service....

and it informed me in new ways about why it was so hard for me 

before to feel connected in the formal church.

Redemption.

Sacrifice.

Sin.

These words are thrown around a lot in traditional worship services.

They are part of the message of Lent.

I'm not disputing that they can be applicable.

It just strikes me as focusing on the blister you gave yourself

when you were creating that lovely flower bed.

Instead of focusing on the beauty and the glory.

It's like we are told to focus on the pain.

Feel the burn.

Do better.

Because we are inherently awful.

Again...I'm not saying that's not true.

We are pretty awful.

I'm saying that the focus of that message does not resonate with me.

I don't know anyone who CHANGED

because they told themselves how terrible they already are.

Whether it's

 losing 10 lbs 

or earning that new promotion

 or working on that relationship

if we come to that challenge with the perspective

that we are evil, broken or just plain worthless

then we may seem to be different

but we'll still be angry, hurt and broken.

Just hiding out inside-

AWAY FROM THE CONNECTION

which is kind of the opposite of what 

we're trying to do with Lent.

When I think of what changes me-

truly changes me

and sticks-

it always starts from a place of radical acceptance

and open-heartedness.

So here are my alternative words for the traditional perspective this Lenten season

Grace.Preparation.Renewal.