MAPLE CREMES

Maple Cremes are a homemade candy that I make every December.

They are balls of flavored confectioner's sugar and butter, 

dipped into chocolate and topped with a pecan.

I actually have no idea why they are a tradition.

We are southern so...
maple is not a traditional flavor for us....
Ag nerd fact:  More than 50% of the maple syrup produced in the United States is sourced in Vermont.  Maple is a northern flavor...not a southern thing.

Maybe it's the pecan on top that cemented this as a tradition?
More Ag nerd facts:  80% of the world pecan market are grown in the southern United States 
North Carolina is in the top 10 states that produce pecans but the volume is much lower than GA, TX and NM. 
Nevertheless...pecans have persisted in NC and often grow
in yards, churches or parking lots.
My grandmother, her sisters and friends 

essentially farmed multiple pecan trees in yards and around town.

In the fall, they would coordinate the status of these trees-
tracking when the pecans were ripe,

painstakingly picking up the fallen pecans

and then hand shelling them over a course of weeks.

There were often stacks of ziploc bags 
filled with pecans laying around our house.

They would be given as gifts,

sold at the church bazaar, 

or used to make treats.

Quick aside...how do you say PECAN?
Almost no one I know says this word with exactly the same inflection or tone.

I enjoy all the ways that people say this word.

All of them give me a giggle.

Are you a peh-KAHN or a PEE-can 
or do you say something different?

I say PEE-KAHN.  

Both syllables have force and emphasis in my personal dialect.

Anywho....back to the point.

Maple Cremes are one of the things that I associate with Christmas.

I'm not quite sure where the original recipe came from

or if they're truly a southern tradition.

My Aunt Opal made them and everyone was crazy over them.

When I became adultish...I started making during the holiday season.

It was a way that I grounded myself as a college student 
who was ending an old life and starting a new one. 

There's a rhythm to making them that is simple and direct

but has just enough fiddlely bits that puts you into a zone.

Most people love them.

True Confession:
I actually don't like to eat them.

They hurt me...too sweet.
I'm not a sugar-lover
in spite of the name of this blog.
I do like to make them though.

Ingredients
32oz (2lbs.) of 10X powerdered sugar
2 sticks of butter, melted
2 TBSP maple flavor
2TBSP Water
1 box unsweetened baking chocolate
1 block paraffin wax
Pecan halves to garnish


Creation Steps
In a double boiler, 
heat chocolate and paraffin wax over medium heat 
until liquid.  
Do not burn, do not rush.
Stir occasionally.

Low tech double boiler=metal mixing bowl in a pan of boiling water.

In a large bowl, mix sugar, butter, flavoring and water.

Lay out a big sheet of parchment paper or wax paper.
With your hands, 
create 1" balls out of the sugar mix 
and lay out like soldiers on the wax paper.

We do this as an assembly line.  
Couple of people (usually kids) rolling the sugar into balls.
Couple of people (usually adults)
dipping the sugar balls into chocolate and topping with a nut.

You have to dip the ball into the chocolate
without dropping it into the chocolate.
Let it drip a little, then place onto the wax paper.
As you're pulling the toothpick or stick out of the dipped ball
use the pecan to hold the item onto the wax paper.
Allow to cool.

Words of Warning
There are a couple of potential snafus.  
1.  Sometimes the sugar mix is too dry.  If it won't stick together and hold a shape, then add a little bit of water (1 TBSP at a time) until it shapes up.
2.  If the chocolate gets too hot, it will be watery.  You can just take it off the heat for a couple of minutes to let it cool.
3.  If the chocolate gets too cool, it will get clumpy and weigh the balls down.  put it back on the double boiler water.
4.  If you drop a ball into the chocolate, just scoop it out with a spoon and give it to one of your co-chefs to eat.  DO NOT attempt to re-spear it with the toothpick or you run the risk of contaminating the chocolate with the sugar.
5.  If you don't like pecans, use a different nut.  My kids don't like pecans so this year we used salted almonds for some of them.  

These make great gifts.
Box up about 6-8 and give to people.
I do NOT recommend giving more than that....
they are seriously sweet.

Merry Christmas!

WALKING SOFTLY WITH MYSELF aka EXTREME SELF CARE

Art by me, frame by my husband.  I've never sold one of these-they're pretty heavy.

I have talked about my daily support efforts in Denial of Service.

They are:

Sleep 8 hours

Pray

Eat Good Food

Move this Body

Generally, if I'm doing these four things, 

I can feel confident that I'm taking care of myself, 

that I'm on track and not going to get burn out.  

I can also be pretty sure that JOY, 

the most essential quality in my life, 

will show up as a by-product

of my practice. 

I am a naturally optimistic and upbeat person.

I take the chaos of life, get knocked down and get back up smiling.

I annoy the world with my can-do, let's do this thing attitude.

There is no problem that can keep me down or out for long

and I am here to tell you...

I have no idea why this is.

Don't hate me...I didn't do anything to acquire this gift

and I don't feel somehow superior because I have it.

It's just something I was born with.

A constant feeling of LIGHT.

Art by me, sometimes for sale at Etsy.

Not lately though.

Lately...I have been calmly and resolutely suiting up every day

well rested, physically fit, nutritionally sound, 

connected to my Creator and .....

pretty dead inside.

There have been too many hits coming my way.

Too many people that I care about self-destructing.

Too many reasons to give energy to situations 

that don't restore or refresh my soul.

Ups and downs are a normal part of life

but this is a decimation of my self.

I am buried in the mud

and if the light is shining right in my face

I just can't see it.

Worse...things just aren't rolling off of me the way they normally would.

Negative thoughts are around every corner

and it's really difficult for me to avoid taking things personally.

This is real and this is where I am living currently.

I'll be here as long as I'm here.

I'm making space for the sadness-

welcoming the emotions to the table because 

they are all beloved guests.

It's nice when they visit.

I learn so much from each of them.

I don't need them to rush away

or be shoved in a closet.

The light will come back.

It is a certainty.

Come on in, set a spell.

In the meantime,

I want to talk about Extreme Self Care.

It is a habit that is fairly new for me-but like most habits,

I get better at it the more I practice.

Extreme self-care looks a little bit like being selfish

and occasionally may seem rude or even weak.

It looks like stepping away from a conversation 

where I would normally be a bridge or a mediator.

It means reminding myself that most things 

ARE NOT MY JOB 

and 

CANNOT BE FIXED.

It means allowing my emotional equilibrium to factor 

into my time management matrix.

It means setting a time where I will handle business that drains me

and not thinking about that business until exactly that set time.

Sometimes it looks like not answering my phone

or responding to messages until that time.

Sometimes it looks like going to work

at a place where I'm beloved and respected

and focusing on that business as an escape.

In Extreme Self Care mode, I don't have any room 

for negotiation with the normal items on my self care list.

Sleep 8 hours might turn into 10 on the weekends.

Moving my body might turn into a 

loooooong walk by myself listening to a podcast.

Eating well is one of the first things I drop when I'm struggling

so when I'm practicing Extreme Self Care I monitor my food intake.

There is occasionally a graph required

with calorie count and nutritional intake.

In Extreme Self Care, praying starts in the morning, 

continues through the day, 

and ends as I drift off to sleep.

Sometimes the prayer is THANK YOU

but in this season is is also often

WHAT THE FUCK?

or 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

and

I HEAR YOU, I DON'T LIKE IT.

Those prayers are all hallmarks of Extreme Self Care seasons.

GOD is bigger than anything my human can imagine 

and can handle my ridiculous tantrums.

In the summer, I make gardens and necklaces.  In the winter, I make pompoms and paintings.

It means saying 'NO' when it's not something that 

my soul immediately screams 'YES' to.

Even if it's something I would normally be down for....

gardening, church volunteer opportunities, lunch with a bestie-

in the Extreme Self Care season, 

all bets are off.

It means going for the comfort-

in foods, in clothes, in people.

It means listening to music

loud and on repeat.

It means creating-even in small little ways

if I can't find the spark for something big.

It means taking lots of Vitamin D,

having an extra cup of coffee,

long baths with Epsom salts,

and essential oils in large quantities.

It means that any non-essential projects or efforts 

will be laid down temporarily.

I treat myself as though I am sick.

With a contagious disease.

And I take myself out of the game.

Until I feel like I am restored.

Extreme self care is first aid for the soul.

If you need it now

or you might need it later,

I hope that you give it to yourself.

I can say with 100% certainty 

that you are worth it,

you are beloved,

and the world will not fall apart if you take

time to care for yourself.

A NEW NORMAL

Crisis is a terrible time.

In crisis, there is no foundation, 

you can't get your bearings, 

your life is turned upside down.

Every nerve ending is raw and on fire.

Often your heart or your body or both are in chaos.

The supports or crutches that you've used no longer 

allow you to numb or distract.

In crisis, you forget how

 to perform the most basic functions.

Breathing, eating, speaking-all might be too much.

Crisis takes us out of Normal.

What is Normal?

Normal is the place where we know everything that will happen.

A place where we know the rules and have already lived some version of the consequences.

Normal is whatever we are used to experiencing.

Normal is the place where we feel comfortable.
Normal is not necessarily healthy, loving, or safe.

Are these Normal places?

Where drinking daily means you don't have to feel anything.
Where your relationship with your spouse bears an uncanny resemblance to North and South Korea.

Where smoking in spite of your lung disease relieves your anxiety.

Where you say the same prayers, like the same statuses, 

vote the same way to prove you belong.
Where you show up at every event wearing a mask-so no one sees the real you.
Where judgement and labels make everything easier to navigate.

Where your relationship is defined by a birth or marriage certificate-

not by any shared experience.

Where you deserve a cupcake (or a few) to make up for the hurt you felt.

Where someone else's discomfort is diminished by your silence.

Art by me...Change is messy.

Humans are incredibly adaptable.

We can get used to anything.

Other animals have to remain in specific habitats or eating the 

bark of  a certain tree-
but humans have populated most of the globe.

We can persevere-through hatred, war, climate destruction, 

and lack of dental care.

Our evolutionary superpower is that

we can tolerate the intolerable.

We can turn that Wasteland into a Normal.

We can love the things and people and circumstances that are killing us.

And pine for it when it changes.

What happens when you can't ever go back to Normal?

When rock bottom is the place that you can't stay anymore,

you're usually evicted by factors
 that you can't control or circumstances you would never choose.

Very few people would leave their normal-

no matter how unhealthy, toxic or boring that normal may be.

The road to a new Normal looks like this....

So many people I love are in need of

and hoping to move towards

a new Normal.
It is painful to watch.

How do you formulate a new Normal?
Where is the path?
Why are the steps so hard and debilitating?
Why can't you carry some of the old Normal along with you?
Just to ease the burden a little.
I don't know.
It just doesn't seem to work that way.

I've been on a journey to a new Normal for a few years now....

and if I'd known what that would look like

how messy and torturous the path to something new would be

I am not sure that I would have continued.

I wish that I could package a healthy, thriving Normal on a map

and show these folks that I love how to find it.

But I suspect that part of finding a healthy Normal

means wanting to leave the old one behind.

Not everyone is ready for that trek.

Update for 2020:

The old Normal is gone-

washed away in a sea of face masks and 

state-sanctioned murders, and

statues thrown to the ground.

What will the new Normal be?

We'll see.

SHOW UP (WALKING WITH PAIN)

Quick sketch by my son of the hospital atmosphere

My dad has been hospitalized for almost a month.

He's pretty special to me-but he's also complicated.

He's a grandfather to many but I'm 

(of course) 

focused primarily on my little family.

Nothing is more terrifying to children than seeing a beloved adult

buried in wires, machines and sterilized blankets;

knowing that there are hard choices ahead with no guarantees.

My kids adore him and since they are kids, 

they really want all of this to stop so we can get back

to normal.

In the past month, my kids have

morphed between two exaggerated caricatures of themselves.

One version has each kid with 

big, pleading, anime eyes

and 

the other version casts them as 

cranky, irritated and entitled creatures.

They are scared so they keep trying anything to shake us 

out of this nightmare they woke up inhabiting.

It's not working but they keep trying.

And the questions!

The questions just don't stop.

Is Pop going to die?

Is he going to lose his foot?

Will he be able to walk again?

How long will he be there?

Why is he so tired?

How did he get to this point?

Why didn't someone stop him?

Why are hospitals so awful?

Why do WE have to go to the hospital?

When will you be back from the hospital?

Who will feed us?

And inevitably...will you ever look like that?

Will we have to navigate this pain with you mom? dad?

Catching the view from the (hospital) room

I don't avoid.

It is not my way.

We have a family riddled with denial and addiction and dysfunction.

I can't afford to let them pick randomly from

the examples around them to 

emulate a path towards life.

They might not find their way out.

So I do my job and coach them through it.

Here is what I say:

Your pain will always hurt EXACTLY that much.

It will be there waiting for you-

it is patient and relentless and yours.

Lots of people will sell you quick tickets

to get away from pain but it is a scam.

There is no antidote.

Pain is a companion to this life

because it is the price of participation.

The amount of pain you feel is directly in proportion 

to the amount of life you experience.

It cannot be reduced, reused or given away.

If your dog dies, 

your marriage ends, 

you get fired, 

your parent forgets your name-

the amount of pain you feel has already been prescribed.

You cannot run from it

hide from it,

convert it,

or bargain with it.

Pain is pain.

Showing Up

What mitigates pain?

Pain can't be changed into something else.

There is only one thing that I know

that will mitigate pain.

A chaser or companion 

that makes the pain more bearable.

SHOW UP.

Do not hide.

Open up that heart.

Let it break.

We need to experience that pain to grow.

We need to be present

so that we can learn what the pain does;

what it leaves behind.

Glennon says that pain is a traveling professor, here to teach us.

I say, you have to step into class for your lessons.
Get into the classroom-don't play hookie.

You can't fix most things.

Anything really.

Don't show up with that expectation.

You'll just find a new kind of pain.

Show up 

expecting nothing

and giving what you have to give.

There is something present when we show up

that helps us navigate the pain.

It doesn't diminish the pain or take it away.

It just helps us live with it.

Show up.

So when you look back

you will see

where you showed kindness and compassion

that you got up when you were scared,

that you allowed your heart to get broken,

that allowed your heart to get bigger.

I realize how many things are better

richer, more robust

because of the pain required to walk along with them.

It's going to hurt anyway

SHOW UP

so you remember where the scars came from

and why any of it mattered.

You cannot escape pain.

But you can use it to fuel transformation.

You can temper it's edge with compassion

and it gets infinitely less debilitating without 

a chaser of shame.

SHOW UP.

Even if you haven't ever shown up before.

Especially if it feels awkward and terrible and 

you do it 'wrong'.

Floral arrangement by my daughter for our Nourish group meeting.

HOW TO FAIL AT BRIDGE BUILDING

Natural bridge building?  Or demolition?

I think of myself as a bridge-builder.  

My friends and family are in a spectrum of colors, beliefs, and creeds.  

I try very hard to live out my faith by welcoming all, serving all, loving all.
I am committed to participating actively in a story 

where the over-arching theme is 

LOVE; 

where reconciliation and redemption and connection

 are possible. 

But I think we need to have a talk
about this important work.
Building bridges doesn't happen accidentally.
Especially if that divide is larger than your average person's hop.
Bridge building is work.

One obvious thing:  
I'm using a bridge as a metaphor for connecting humans.  
There's not a bone in my body that can build an actual bridge.  
I am the opposite of an engineer.  
I deal in words and thinking and feeling.  
On my best days, if we're talking about plants and landscape-
I can somehow magically incorporate spatial 
relationships and angles into something others can understand.  
It looks like measuring and consideration but trust me when I say...
most of my foray into design and functionality
is powered exclusively by EMOTIONAL MATH.  
Calculus, complicated densities of materials or the calculation of sine waves
 are all things I put on the mental shelf once I received 
my college degree.  Go Wolfpack! 

So if you're looking for advice on wood, stone, or steel bridge building...
you should use the next link suggestion in google.

What do you think was happening on this bridge?  Random statue of a sad guy in a sombrero?

Even though I think of myself as a bridge builder,

the struggle is REAL during this season.
Maybe during this life?
Not just the holiday season that is coming up
or the family medical crises
or the political and socio-economic upheaval
we are experiencing in America.

Bridges are falling all around.

Building new ones seems impossible some days.

It's like no one has the materials anymore.

It's hard to even build one in a community where you are right now,

among people you thought were your friends.

Many a pleasant conversation

turns into a verbal brawl 

or character assassination

based on a brief, 120 character comment.

All of these are topics that could incite a riot or

 in the least become a rallying cry for dis-owning 

your childhood best friend based on social media posts
 within my own community:

Politics (obviously right?)

National Anthems

Police Presence

Value of Life

Religion

Vaccinations

Gluten

Jeggings

The motto of most communication right now rests 

between 'Take No Prisoners' and 'Build a Wall'.

Mention that you support the NFL players' right to protest, 

and your favorite uncle is likely to flame you out on social media.  

Don't think we should speak disrespectfully of a person 

who holds the office of President? 

 Prepare to be called a red hat republican nazi.  

There is little room for gray in most of our conversations these days.  

We either don't talk about it or

 we talk only to those who hate the same things we hate 
(thanks to Brene Brown for sharing the language around that last idea).

So what do we bridge builders do
in the face of these difficulties?
We keep trying to build bridges! 
However....I find that there are times when I might think
that I'm building a bridge but I'm actually working
VERY HARD
on building something else.
Here are some insights into my personal failures.

Ways to Fail at Bridge Building:

Is this a bridge or a tower?

Build a Tower  

Basically, when you're trying to build a bridge with someone, 
you've got to remember that they are in a different place than you.  
You are not starting from the same place.
You are here.
They are far away.
Where they are is fine.
Where you are is fine.
You both like and enjoy where you are.
Bridges allow flow between those two places.
They don't eliminate one of the two places.

If your goal is to bring the other side
over to the exact spot you're currently starting in.....
you're not building a bridge.  

You're building a tower.  

There's no room for the other person in that scenario.  

There's only room for you, your opinion, your ideas, your facts.  
Towers are lonely places.
They don't expand easily
and they can be pretty rigid.
Things and people go into towers 
and often don't come out.
Bridges are ways to meet someone other than yourself. 
They are connections where people actively move in both directions. 
It is possible,
just possible
that you have something you could learn from
the person who holds a different viewpoint or opinion than you.
Bridge building is about listening,
empathy and compassion.
Not conversion.

So....
when your black friend starts posting about BLACK LIVES MATTER, 
do NOT start defending BLUE LIVES or ALL LIVES 
or how you cannot possibly be racist because you have black friends. 
Do NOT start trying to get someone converted to your opinion. 
You are missing the point.  
Ask questions, listen to the answers, try to understand.  
Step out, knowing that your bridges are meant to show you 
somewhere other than where you are right now.

Can you see what's over there?  

Use the Teleportation Strategy

Every great sci-fi universe has a way for humans arrive at 
a specific point and place without prolonged travel,
without landing on top of a small child or an old lady, and
without looking completely out of place.  
Sounds great right?
You imagine a place, pop in a couple of coordinates
makes some weird noises and TAH-DAH!
You are there!
On the other side!

Neither our science nor our attitudes 
have caught up to that level of connectivity yet.
  If your position is super far away, 
there's little chance you can see what's over there
on the other side.
Anything that you try to send over, gets dropped in the water
or lands on top of an unsuspecting bystander.  
Teleportation as a strategy in the real world
means there will be collateral damage.

How does this relate to bridge-building between humans?
Well, we can't insert our details into the middle of someone else's story
 and expect it to blend into the landscape.  
Anything we try to poke into someone else's story looks fantastical
 and definitely doesn't belong.  
It will not be accepted.
It will not be received well.   
The truth of this increases as the emotional weight 
of a topic increases. 

Here's an example I encounter often.
For many people, the role that Jesus has played
in their lives is the a story of pain, judgement, repression and/or abuse.
The Christians they have encountered
 have cemented that belief
again
and again
and again.

If I show up talking about the beauty of Jesus
how grace-filled my life has become,
how accepted I am in my brokenness
how beloved my soul is to God..
that story is too far-fetched to be accepted,
too counter to the reality that the person has experienced.
It is going to be rejected.
It doesn't fit with the other person's experience.
It cannot be over-ridden that easily.
And it should NOT be.

Bridge or wall?  How can you tell?

Let's say I insist on my facts.
My Jesus IS the only way.
My Jesus is the truth, the light.
Accept him OR ELSE.
I will be accepted...as another person trying
to repress, abuse, and harm in the name of this guy named Jesus.


I can't try and insert my story or opinions
right smack dab in the middle of someone else's story,
beat them down with my story
of hope and redemption.
That is not bridge building-that is a hallucinogenic trip.
And a bad one at that.

So what can you do?
Ask questions.
Can't think of any?
Try these:
Why do you feel that way?
What contributed to the narrative?
How could you feel loved or supported?
What do you need from me?

Acknowledge their experience.
Take yourself out of their story-because you have earned no place there.
Do not try to refute or change their understanding.
Say thank you for sharing something with me.
Bridge building takes time.
It is not a one and done conversation.
You cannot teleport in and then hop back out again.

Bridge building takes stamina...

Start on a Weak Foundation

I have done or witnessed this particular failure more often than any other.
I think it happens the most often because it has the best intentions.
People who naturally want to build bridges are also the most likely to use themselves up in the building.
Bridge building does not work when the builder is weak.
You need a strong foundation in order to extend 
a bridge over troubled water.  
You can't start on shaky ground and hope to reach the other side.  
Bridges that have a weak foundation will fall apart-
if they ever make it over at all.

You start with where you are..and you get a good solid structure.
Getting a good solid foundation takes a lot of work.
It cannot be rushed-
even if you are somehow afraid that the world is burning down 
without your assistance.
You have got to pause, take care of yourself first
BEFORE

You can take one step towards work on a bridge.
You need a community who loves you.
You need extreme self-care practices at the ready.
You need to be safe in your own skin without the bridge.
Everything cannot depend on making this bridge.

What does that mean in real life?  
It means that if you're already unhinged at the annual 
Thanksgiving gathering, already tired and over-whelmed....
then you should not attempt bridge-building when Great-Aunt Betty starts comparing gay marriage to the early days of Sodom and Gomorrah.
You should walk away.
You should maybe write about it later.
Or have another conversation.
If you engage when you are not solidly supported,
there will be no bridge.  
There will just be a shock and awe attack with your 
previously beloved Great-Aunt Betty on one side (with her pecan pie)
and you feeling shame and horror on the other. 
And the bridges that existed before
will now also be shaky-maybe even broken.

Sometimes you need to be above and removed for the bridge to be built-and that is OK!

It means that 

sometimes you have to save bridge building for another day.

Sometimes you have to say 'Bless your heart'

or tag in your friend who is thoughtful and well-rested.

You cannot build a bridge without solid footing.

It even means that some kinds of bridges will
be forbidden to you.
If you've been traumatized by something
sexual abuse, racism, addiction....
you may not be able to work on building bridges there.
You may be so hurt and triggered that there is no way for you
to build that bridge.
Ever.

Do the work on your foundation.
Then see where the bridges are needed
that you are able to work on.
There are enough bridges that need to be built
and you don't have to build them all.

Wherever you are on your journey
I hope you have peace and support through the coming season.
We need more bridges than ever before.
We need to set these bridges to be strong.
So do what it takes to do it right.

This is a bridge too...amiright?